Migraine Day

It turns out that Ev was not "sick" as I so cynically reported yesterday. He was gearing up for a whopper of a migraine that started at 1:15 am this morning. He gets them regularly, but they are kind of random in that we've never been able to find trigger patterns or identify clear auras to let us know one is coming. So, today, except for Sara's ortho appointment, I basically cleared the schedule and stroked my moaning little boy's back all day. He is better now, but he'll feel physically ill and tired for about another 24 hours. Poor tyke. All the literature says he'll outgrow them at puberty. They won't put kids on the usual migraine meds unless they get no relief from OTC drugs. So far, Ev's can be somewhat controlled with a cocktail of Excedrin migraine and ibuprofen or ibuprofen taken with a caffeinated drink. So, he gets to deal with it for another couple of years and then hopefully he'll be done.

I did get to spend my 30 minutes in the garden and I met my goal of digging up 50 dandelions and filling two buckets with weeds and debris. A good half-hour's work.

I am now going to get my book group questions ready, work on my lesson and start some dinner. I'm thinking just a nice pasta salad for a lovely warm day like today. Here is my basic plan for Pantry Pasta Salad:

Makes a lot.
1 box of pasta, cooked al dente, drained, then rinsed in cold water and cooled.
1/2-1 cup of any kind of cooked meat (bacon, leftover chicken, pepperoni, lunchmeat, proscuitto), chopped. OR use 1 can of black or kidney beans, drained, instead of meat.
1/2-1 cup shredded or crumbled cheese of almost any type that you like
1-2 cups chopped fresh veggies in any combination (broccoli, carrots, peppers, cukes, tomatoes, frozen corn or peas, cauliflower, etc)
Enough of your favorite salad dressing to moisten everything and bind it together. I think its usually about a half cup. I have used literally every type in my fridge. Ranch is great, any vinaigrette, even thousand island. It is a great way to use up those bits of dressing that keep you from throwing away the bottle.

Combine everything and pour the dressing over, then chill. Add or leave out ingredients as your pantry dictates. I have been known to add:
craisins
raisins
slivered or chopped almonds
hard boiled or leftover scrambled eggs
onion, especially sweet types like vidalia and walla-walla
green onion
halved grapes
olives
croutons

South of the border rice salad variation:
black beans, monterey jack cheese, chopped green chilies, olives and salsa over rice instead of pasta-serve it warm like rice and beans or cold like a salad over lettuce and chips with a bit of sour cream on top.

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A Rant About Scrapbooking--skip if you're squeamish

Evan was "sick" today, so I let him stay home from church which meant I got a bonus 3 hours. (Ooh, that sounds terrible. I love church, it was just kind of fun to have time I hadn't planned on appear suddenly in my day) I ended up spending it finishing the scrapbook pages I started on Friday at my friend's monthly club. I like the idea of scrapbooking, and do lots of mental scrapbooking, but I don't do it enough to call myself a true Scrapbooker, with a capital S.

Today illustrated why. It took me pretty much 3 hours to get about 10 photos done. The pages my pal had designed were spectacular and I had a lot of fun personalizing her original concepts and even got the chance to journal about the fourth of July 2001 (the last one before 9/11), but 3 hours! I have thousands of photos waiting for me. I hear them weeping that their chance will never come when it takes me 3 hours to get 10 pictures taken care of.


I will keep going to club and continue to be inspired by my friend's prodigious talent and comittment. I will even finish my 48 pages. They will be amazing, I'm sure. In the meantime, however, I will continue my particular brand of scrapbooking that gets the photos into albums, with journaling, for everyone to enjoy but there is nary a brad or ribbon to be found. I find a roll of photos, grab one of my discount blank scrapbooks that I pick up from time to time, glue the photos in, journal about the event and usually, I've done 24 or 36 photos in an hour. My inspiration is this: my mom has one album of her mother's--one of those plain old black ones with black pages and black and white photos taken with a little brownie box camera--one or two per page, labeled with the date, the names and the places. It is about 20 pages. That book is a family treasure and is the very definition of simplicity. I love looking through it and even though it is only 20 or 30 photos on plain black paper, it is riveting to me.

I have gotten into digital scrapbooking and can get photos arranged and enhanced really quickly that way, and I like doing it. I like Heritage Makers books, but the Apple and Epson books are cool, too. The first ones I did were on shutterfly.com and they got me hooked. Mostly, I like having the photos available for my kids to look at. It is a sweet thing to watch them looking through an album and sometimes I question whether I want them exclaiming over my amazing paper-wrangling skills or actually looking at the pictures.

The bottom line is, I love photos-they are my primary way of telling my family's story, so naturally I think that preserving them is important, I've just had to let myself off the hook. I take hundreds of photos a year and I have to give myself a chance to catch up. I take my hat off to you gals (like my friend who hosts the club) who have albums and albums of amazing, detailed, artistic pages. I love your work and I need you in my life for inspiration! If you need a break, or you're more like me, with lots of good intentions and pictures in boxes, call me up, we'll have some chocolate together, glue some pictures in old-fashioned albums (acid and lignin free of course) and know that our grandchildren will love them.

PS. Sara just finished reading Twilight and loved it. She did not put it down for 4 solid days. Thanks to everyone for turning me onto it. I am saving it for August-post Harry Potter but Pre-seminary. Look for me in the hammock.

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A Nice Couple of Days

One of Eric's clients changed a major policy about handling office actions from the Patent and Trademark Office (he's a patent attorney) that left him with very little to do until the issue is resolved, so he took yesterday and today off. The real difference was that he was not working at home. Usually when he "takes a day off," he still puts in a 6-8 hour workday. This was truly unusual and a refreshing change. A few things I noticed:

1. He is a really great guy and we get along very well when we have the chance to just hang out.
2. We don't hang out enough.
3. He was incredibly helpful getting the kids where they needed to be, running errands and being involved in the running of the house. He does not often get the chance to do this. It was awfully nice to have backup.
4. I handle a heck of a lot of stuff without him pretty dang well! The contrast--how much easier my day was with a partner--was astonishing.
5. We will have a lot of fun together when he retires. I have heard wives worry that their husband will drive them nuts, but I really don't think that will happen to us. We are both pretty independent, but when things overlap, we always have plenty to talk about.
6. I was so happy to see him relaxed and without a million things on his plate. Those of you who only know him as a Bishop or Bishopric member, I wish you could know him better.
7. I am grateful for how hard he works. He is not a live-to-work kind of guy. He is definitely a work-to-live kind of guy, so it is not as if he is unconnected from home life, he is just really, really busy working as a lawyer and being the Bishop.

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100 Things About Me

Thanks to Corinne for this fun idea.

1. I am actually very shy, but I have worked hard to overcome it and most people are surprised to find out how hard it is for me to connect with people.
2. I was born in Salt Lake City, Utah in August sometime in the mid-sixties.
3. I moved to Maryland when I was 4. I have no conscious childhood memories of living in Utah and proudly consider myself a Merliner. (That's Marylander in a Merlin accent)
4. When I went to school at BYU, Utah felt like home and now I love to go back there as often as I can.
5. People in Maryland thought I talked funny when I was growing up and would ask me to say words out loud.
6. People in Utah thought I talked funny when I went there for college. They would ask me to say words out loud.
7. I love the history of this area and the knowledge I that I grew up with as second nature about the settling of America.
8. I love the green trees and rolling hills of the east coast.
9. I love the beach, with special fondness for wild beaches like Assateague Island or parts of the Outer Banks, and rocky beaches like Maine and the Oregon coast.
10. My hair color is the only thing about my appearance that I genuinely like so I am reluctant to color it. I hope I will go gray gracefully.
11. I hate humidity, in spite of #3.
12. I love my hair to be long. I somehow feel more like myself when it is long.
13. I used to sew all my own clothes and all my children's clothes. I have made jeans. With rivets and little coin pockets. I think that is one of the definitions of insanity in some medical textbook somewhere.
14. I stopped sewing for my kids when my daughter refused (at the age of 3) to wear a hand-smocked dress that took me about 100 hours to make.
15. I love getting older. I would never want to be 16 again. Not even to have that body.
16. My favorite magazine is National Geographic. It is my window to the world.
17. I love maps.
18. I have an innate sense of direction (maybe from looking at all those maps) and very seldom get lost, or if I do, I can figure out how to get found pretty easily.
19. I have been an Apple computer user since 1984. We didn't own a PC until about 4 years ago, and now it barely gets used. The current crop of Apple commercials is some of the best television I've seen in years.
20. I do not feel 40 and am often surprised at the face I see in the mirror.
21. I am curious about everything and love research. If I went back to school, one of the many majors I would consider is Library Science.
22. I have a creepily good memory for many things.
23. I have considered myself a photographer since I was 13 and my dad bought a really nice Minolta SLR camera. I used it more than he did.
24. I love music more than almost anything else I do, but it is the thing I have the least natural talent for. I play the piano and fiddle and sing, but none of them well enough to perform.
25. We have owned 4 Hondas in our 20 years of marriage. We owned a Toyota minivan only because the Odyssey had not yet been released in 1991 when we needed to buy one. We own a Ford truck only because the Honda Pilot had not been released in 2000 when we needed a bigger car.
26. I learned to knit when I was 10. I never dreamed how it would impact my life.
27. Designing a sweater on the fly without any notes is one of my favorite things to do.
28. Writing a pattern for said sweater is one of my least favorite things to do. I do occasionally overcome this weakness though, and I am a published designer with about 15 patterns in my catalogue.
28. I am a runner and have completed 1 full marathon and 3 half-marathons.
29. I won a gold medal at the state track championships my senior year as a last minute substitute for our first-string relay team. I never felt like I deserved the medal and tried to give it to the injured girl but she wouldn't take it.
30. I am also a cyclist and have completed 4 hundred-mile rides.
31. In spite of all this physical activity, I haven't been able to lose the weight I gained with my third child 15 years ago. This is the year, though.
32. The reason for #31 is that I love to cook. And eat. Especially chocolate.
33. I cry at the drop of a hat-commercials, blogs, poems, you name it.
34. I love computers and gadgets and technology but did not like carrying a PDA. I prefer a calendar and a freshly-sharpened pencil.
35. I am, however, lusting after the iPhone--it looks so cool!
36. I was a slob as a teenager, but am a puttering clutter-hater as an adult. I am one of those annoying people who will put your glass in the dishwasher before you are finished with it because it was sitting out on the counter.
37. Whenever I think I want to buy new stuff, I look through my old stuff for an equal number of similar items to give away to the Salvation Army (except books). I find this very satisfying and it helps me enjoy the new things so much more. The added bonus is that many times I realize I like my old stuff enough to keep and therefore don't need the new stuff.
38. I am running out of places to put books.
39. I have been a U2 fan since I first saw them on Mtv in 1981. I did not get to see them in concert until 2002, however.
40. I love shopping at thrift stores. Will this still be allowed once Eric makes partner at his law firm?
41. I love my Dyson vacuum, probably because it is British.
42. I love blogging more than I ever thought I would. Item #1 speaks to this. To those of you I know personally, it will still sometimes be hard for me to say hello to you or sit by you in church even though I feel so close to you in other ways. Please forgive me when this happens.
43. Libraries, bookstores, office supply stores and yarn shops are my favorite places to buy things.
44. My literary tastes are a study in contrasts. I enjoy a rousing Naval history novel like Master and Commander or Horatio Hornblower as much as I enjoy Pride and Prejudice or Anne of Green Gables. When M&C came out in theaters, my friend and I were the ONLY women in the audience. And it had Russell Crowe!
45. I love the show Mythbusters. I have the same curiosity as those guys and would LOVE to be able to have the resources to explore things like they do.
46. I am an original Star Wars fan. It came out when I was 11. I can hardly remember life before it.
47. If I had to get a job today, I would want to work for a bank that offers micro-loans to small business start-ups in developing nations. I am very interested in the micro-economic movement and the idea of promoting self-reliance instead of dependence.
48. I read Sports Illustrated from cover to cover every week so I will be able to talk to my sons in their native tongue.
49. I believe that the power to change any society is held in the hands of its women.
50. My desire to be completely out of debt in 8 years (When our youngest graduates high school) has totally overcome any desire I ever had to live in a big, fancy house. I am completely satisfied with my wee home because it will pave the way for future dreams to come true. I truly love our cozy little place.
51. I have 6921 items on my iPod (including audio books, talks and podcasts). This is our entire music colletion starting from the time we got married. I try to listen to everthing at least once a year and weed out the stuff I don't like, but I love music so much that I always end up with more.
52. Over 800 songs on my iPod are folk and traditional music from all over the world, but mainly Celtic.
53. 956 songs are classical music.
54. My favorite cereal is Cocoa Puffs. See #31.
55. I have the ability to be happy in just about any situation. I tend to like the place I'm in and the people I'm with and don't often wish that I was somewhere else or with someone else doing something else.
56. I really enjoy helping people.
57. I do not believe in over-programming kids. One special activity is enough, but even that is not necessary. The work of childhood is play.
58. I do believe that teenagers should be busy. A teenager with time on his hands is asking for trouble.
59. I believe Legos are the best toy. Ever.
60. I did well in high school, but did not work hard.
61. I wish I did not need to sleep because even though I like to stay up late, I also like the early morning.
62. I believe it is okay for children to be bored once in a while and have to figure it out without my help.
63. I believe that providing responsibilities, opportunities for work and chances for problem-solving is the way to instill self-esteem in a person, not endless praise.
64. I believe it is healthy to fail at things and try again. This also applies to kids. I think it is okay for them to fail occasionally in connection with their decisions. I would rather my child get a poor grade because of poor effort and maybe learn a lesson rather than me bail them out just to get a good grade.
65. I hate to fail and have to try again. But I really do think its healthy.
66. I like Levi's 501 Button-Fly Shrink-to-fit blue jeans. I am breaking in a new pair now. I will wear them for 5 years.
67. I like to drive a manual transmission.
68. I love motorcycles and would buy one except for the fact that I am aware of the statistics and feel it would be irresponsible as a mother of 5.
69. #68 says a lot about my personality. I have a huge wild, happy-go-lucky streak and love to take risks and be impulsive, but I am hyper-responsible and repress my impulses continually. Driving with the windows down and the radio up loud is a habit that indulges my wild streak.
70. I like roller coasters but hate the ride up, especially on the new really tall super-coasters. I've been on Superman at Six Flags and the ride up almost did me in but as soon as we got going I was fine.
71. I read the endings of books and it does not mitigate my enjoyment of the book at all.
72. I wear mostly clogs and birkenstocks due to my extrmemly wide, short feet. I love pretty shoes but am getting old enough to allow comfort to trump vanity. Crocs and Keen are my two new favorite shoes. They are not pretty but they sure feel good.
71. I knit my own socks and currently have about 6 pair in rotation.
72. My favorite time-waster computer games are mine sweeper, tetris and text twist.
73. I love to play around with Google Earth and Google Maps.
74. I read dictionaries and encyclopedias.
75. I am terrible at strategic games like chess and Risk.
76. I am good at Trivial Pursuit, Scrabble and Pictionary.
77. I want to drive the Pacific Coastal Highway (101) in a convertible someday. Or on a Motorcycle.
78. I have visited or driven through 46 states. I am only missing Alaska, the Dakotas and Minnesota. I have never been to Guam, Puerto Rico, American Samoa or the US Virgin islands either. I think there are a couple other protectorates but I can't remember what they are.
79. My original plan for college was to become a physical or occupational therapist.
80. My most-read and re-read books as a kid were the Laura Ingalls Wilder books (Little House on the Prairie) and EB White's children's books (Trumpet of the Swan was my favorite of those).
81. I love Greek Mythology.
82. I use my crock pot 3-4 times a week.
83. I love to make homemade bread but don't do it often because I like to use the sponge method and it takes about 24 hours.
84. Warm bread with butter and honey is one of the most delicious things I've ever eaten.
85. I tried Pate de Fois Gras once and did not love it. It was okay.
86. I tried Caviar once and did not love it. It was okay.
87. I like chocolate chip cookies chewy and warm, almost not done and right out of the oven.
88. I love really cold milk.
89. I am an iNFp (Healer Idealist) in the Brigg-Myers Personality test. I get the same result every time I take the test and the descriptions I find of this personality type are amazingly accurate overviews of my own personality. Maybe it's like horoscopes and I just see myself, but it is still exceedingly interesting to me. Especially the fact that two of my siblings have the same profile.
90. I love to share. Nothing makes me happier than when someone can use something I have. When I was a kid, I would literally give stuff away before my parents could stop me. It would be easier for me to let a stranger borrow my car than to strike up a conversation with them.
91. I know how to spin my own yarn. Spinning is relaxing and meditative-I could do it for hours.
92. I love dogwood trees. Right now the wild trees in the woods look like flocks of butterflies floating among the burgeoning undergrowth.
93. I sunburn almost immediately upon stepping outside.
94. I actually like my freckles.
95. I can reliably make a decent pie-crust.
96. I love to have my bed made and even if the rest of my house is a disaster, the bed is made.
97. I have been unable to convince my children of the value of making their beds.
98. I can't wait to get the mail every day. You just never know what will come!
99. I admire my parents tremendously.
100. I used to feel badly about myself because of my many interests and what I perceived as a lack of focus. Now I value my ability to turn from one thing to another with ease, to be adaptable and curious and to enjoy just about every minute of life because it is all so interesting to me.

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The Reason Why We Keep Records

I was looking on the hard drive of the computer that we had from about 1999 till 2004 to find a talk for my brother. In the process I found a whole bunch of poetry that I thought I'd lost. I had a fertile poetic period in 2002-3 and wrote about 40 poems. Here are two for your perusal. I was serving as a stake missionary at first and then was called to teach seminary in late 2002 and the necessity arose of studying the gospel for about 2 hours each day. Writing about my gospel study really helps me ponder things instead of just inhaling information then exhaling it as a lesson after one quick circluation around my brain. Poetry is just one of the ways I process what I learn.

Diamonds

As God’s most precious jewel,
We must be like diamonds.
But I wonder at the simile.
Natural diamonds are born of chance.
They can only sit and wait, purified to be sure,
But a bit random.

I do not feel that
God scattered us in haphazard caverns;
To reach our shining potential
Only if found by luck
Then finished at the whim of some earthly stonecutter’s
Crude knife.

I wonder if perhaps
We are more like diamonds from the scientist’s measured hand.
More common in the world’s view;
Perhaps not even beautiful.
Created, instead for a purpose,
In a crucible of God’s own design.

I do not believe that
We are random treasures of chance
Destined to reflect mere vanity.
With a two-edged blade of infinite hone,
We are being faceted for clarity of a different sort:
We will reflect eternity

Kellie Nuss 2002




John 16:33

An injunction offered
At the junction of
Circumstance and will
A simple plea to Be
In the very moment we
Would abandon hope to fear
He offers Good Cheer
Will we take the opportunity
Or claim we are not free?

Kellie Nuss
May 2003

(here's the text of John 16:33: These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.)

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Housework--for Joni

I spent about 45 minutes the other day writing a post about all my housework and then deleted it because I thought it was just a little too real. Then I read Joni's wonderful record of her every-day work as a woman during one ordinary week and realized she had written almost the same post as me, with the difference that she had the confidence to share it. Thanks Joni, for reminding me of what constitutes the real work of eternity. Keeping lives in order, whether it be our own precious life or the lives of a family, is not ordinary in any way.

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Move Along

Today's kid conversation of the day, for all us 22-year-olds of various ages:

Me: "Johnathan, can I have your iTunes password so I can authorize my computer to play one of your songs?"

17-year-old son: "What? Which song?"

Me: "Move Along by the All-American Rejects."

17-year old son: "We can't have the same music!"

Me: "Sure we can, what about U2??"

17-year old son: "Yeah, that's true, plus I still remember the day you picked me up from school and you had the windows down and something by Nirvana cranked on the radio. The other kids were impressed. You are among the coolest of moms, I must admit."

The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been. ~Madeleine L'Engle

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Unexpected Pleasures

I admit it. I have become additcted to Dancing with the Stars. It is unexpected because I have fastidiously avoided these shows because I knew my personality would cause me to get totally sucked in. Well, I did. Like I needed another tv show to distract me. I can't even knit while I watch this one because I have to actually watch! It is a pleasure though, because those pros are so talented and the stars are working so hard. I am favoring Apolo and Julianne. They have a wonderful rapport and are so fun to watch. I really like Joey Fatone, too-he gets the whole dancing thing. Then there is Heather Mills, who is amazing because she dances with a prosthetic. Wow.

Anyway, I had a feeling about Julianne-didn't know anything about her-and yep, I was right. She is a Mormon! Go Julianne! She is not a product of BYU's dance program. She left home early and studied in London. I just knew she had that special little sparkle though. She is only 18-what a talent. I hope she can stay sane.

The other unexpected pleasure came as I was looking for info about her. In surfing around, I found her myspace and the above music was playing. It captivated me. The name is Kalai. If you like acoustic guitar, strong melody, hints of other musical traditions, and a beautiful voice, you might like him.

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Getting to Know Me

From Mendy

For hours and hours I could...
Walk on the beach
Drive by myself with the radio up loud

I feel best about myself...
When I'm teaching
When the house is running smoothly

I absolutely cannot stand...
Unloading the dishwasher (I love loading it though-how weird is that?)
Getting rid of books

I am afraid of...
Driving serious mountain passes for the first time
Not having a single good picture from a photo shoot, especially weddings

I love to splurge by...
Buying Dansko clogs
Going to Borders and buying new books and music

I save by...
Shopping sales and thrift stores
Using Peapod to buy groceries (stick to the list better-less impulse shopping)
Cutting my kids' hair

I am trying to work on...
Not buying so many Dansko clogs
Getting more sleep

In high school...
I was first chair Violist for 2 years as well as second chair in the State Orchestra 1 year
I traveled to Costa Rica as an exchange student for a summer

In college...
I was so curious about so many things that I never really declared a major
I loved singing with the BYU University Chorale (I didn't even try out for Concert Choir)
I felt at home in Utah even though I hadn't lived there since I was 4. It still feels like coming home when I go there-must be something in those generations of Utah genes on both sides.

I feel I'm a good mom when...
I get field trip permission forms turned in on time
My kids get excited about a beautiful sunset or a gorgeous moon

I regret...
Not perservering and graduating from college
Not keeping in better touch with old friends

I could never have too many...
Days at the beach
Second chances
Friends

What about you?

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The Power of Good

So, you just never know how God will send the chance for healing. I was back out in the yard today and noticed that my neighbor's cherry tree had gotten catastrophically blown down onto their roof. I have had a few issues with this neighbor over my compost pile, and while things have never been ugly, and they've never been unkind to us nor we to them, it has just caused me to feel self-conscious and sort of weirdly, pridefully inferior to them, or allow myself to think they think poorly of me...you know? I struggle with that. It is one of my main mortal weaknesses. I have to fight hard to keep from automatically assuming that people I meet find me annoying and odd and unlikeable. Satan is such a meanie.

Anyway, because of my own insecurities, there's been just a slight pall of awkwardness over us for the last couple of years. Silly stuff. So today, Greg was out working on his poor tree and I perfunctorily offered to help him clean up and he politely refused and I went about my work, thinking that I hoped he was noticing the beautiful compost I was harvesting out of my pile. Then, the magic moment happened: He asked to borrow a rope! It doesn't sound like such a big deal but for me, all the weird feelings I've ever had about them just melted away and all I wanted was to be able to help them out. I felt like such an idiot for being stuck for so long. My theme song could be "Stuck in a Moment" by U2. Anyway, at the magic moment, my pride just disappeared, I got the rope, he used it, I called over a couple times to make sure he was okay when I heard him get frustrated, he thanked me, we shook hands and had a perfectly normal conversation about all the trees we've both lost in the last few years because of tornadoes, hurricanes and now this wind. The last moment was the best--we noticed a little wee tree growing up a foot or two from where the roots of this one came out of the ground, and we discovered that it is a shoot from the roots of our Bradford pear tree that came down a few years ago in the hurricane. His wife had come out by then and she said, "Well, I hope it survives the shock-we'll try to take good care of it." In the mere turn of a single instant, I feel like they're my neighbors now, not just the people who live behind us.

I know God looks down on me sometimes and just shakes his head. Sheesh.

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In the Garden

I was able to spend a few hours yesterday (before the rain came) working in the garden. I got lots of debris cleaned up, the boys mowed the yard, and I got started moving lilies, lamb's ear and hosta. I have lots and lots of those three plants, and they multiply and replenish my yard constantly. If anyone wants daylilies, lamb's ear or hosta, please let me know. I also planted a trumpet vine so that we can attract some hummingbirds. I got a new clematis that I picture growing up the side and over the roof of the addition, oh so romantically cottage-like. I want to get new hydrangea bushes for all around the foundation of the addition. I pruned the butterfly bush and the front hydrangeas, and started spreading this year's crop of compost on all my beds. I will ease myself back into veggie gardening by having a little tomato garden and some marigolds. I am planning my containers and trying to keep them simple. I love petunias, ranunculus and a few other annuals for containers, with some daylilies growing in the center for a little height. I have lots of creeping jenny and vinca vines that have stayed with me from previous containers, so I'll transplant some of those. My lilac looks like it will be beautiful this year, and the irises have lots of buds. My primroses are just coming on, as is the bleeding heart. I think they're pretty late due to the cold spring. The peonies are up and look pretty good. I would like more of those, too. It looks like I still have some holly hocks that survived the addition, but sadly, my mature wisteria did not, and I don't really have a place to put another one. I will have to get rid of more hardy heliotrope again this year and keep the creeping sedum under control. The hardy nasturtiums are coming up like crazy, and I think I'll transplant some of those to other locations, too. I definitely need to put in new bulbs this fall. I often forget, but this year I'll try to remember. The sweetheart rose needs major pruning and I need to make a new teepee for the Zepherin de Drouhin rose. The other old roses still hang on, as do my pink ones on the hill. My greatest ambition for my later life continues to be to have developed the patience and discipline to maintain a real rose garden. Rose gardening doesn't really suit my way of life or my way of doing things, but I love the idea of a rose garden and it makes a lofty goal to work toward. I actually do like how my garden reflects my personality. It is loose, but organized in my own way (it may not make sense to you, but I know where everything is!). It looks beautiful in a way that pleases me-a little wild, but full of color and surprises and lively combinations. It does not follow any of the "rules" of garden design or anything like that. As in most things in my life, I take the "if you shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land in the stars" approach. I fly by the seat of my pants, read lots of books, try, fail, and try again. I don't ask for a lot of advice, because I like to learn by doing, and I often get a little stubborn that way. Every year there are days when I walk out my door and the effect of my little flower beds absolutely takes my breath away and I have to just sit down and stare for a minute. Other days, its all I can do to put my gloves on and fill yet another bucket up with pulled weeds. My garden does pretty well if I can just be consistent. If I spend even 30 minutes working in it every single day from now till November, it will be spectacular for me all summer long. That doesn't seem like much, but like so many other things in life with big rewards, so many things seem to get in the way. All I can do is take it one day at a time. There are so very many lessons to be learned in the garden. How lovely to have another season to try and get a few of them into my head.

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Baby, its cold outside!

The wind is just chilly enough today to warrant a real coat. I went out with just a vest and regretted it-I'm ready to go jump under my covers to warm up. Maybe that is where I'll prepare my seminary lesson. Hmmm. I think it unnerves the kids to find me hanging out in my bed, though, even though it's my favorite spot to work, read, knit, whatever. They need to see me up and around. So, I'll put on a sweater and sit at the table to greet them when they come home. It continues to be so important to them that I'm around. Even more so the older they have become. They like me to be home "at the crossroads" as much as I can, just as President Benson counseled so many years ago. They don't really like it when I teach at night or on Saturdays. They are supportive and don't complain, but they always, always say "Oh good" when I tell them that I don't have a class that evening. They always ask, too. It helps that most of my evening classes are on Wednesdays when they are already occupied, but they have verbally expressed their relief that I am teaching about half as much as I was before Eric was called as Bishop. I can't remember who has said it, because I think several people have, but when it comes to motherhood, there really is no such thing as "quality time." It is all about presence to a kid. Fortunately, as my kids have grown older, more aware and interactive, my attitude about motherhood has matured and developed to the point where I am happy to really focus on them-to give them that gift, then move on to other things more fully as they become more and more independent. I used to be in such a rush to get them out the door so I could do other stuff, but for them, the stability of a well-kept house, dinner on the table and milk in the fridge is the foundation of the refuge that I claim to be trying to build. Homemaking as a craft and vocation has become more enjoyable as they've gotten older because its just plain easier and more fun. Nothing needs to be childproofed, they can put their own laundry away and I don't have to do dishes after dinner but maybe once a week, because they've reached the point of being able to do chores independently. Even Evan can clean the kitchen pretty much on his own. But, just because he's getting more and more independent, I don't want him to end up all alone in the house when he's in high school-I've gotten to the point where I want to be with them as much as I possibly can because their lives outside the house have become so busy.

It's very exciting in this time, just two decades from when I started my family, for young mothers to have so many options. When I was starting out, we were fighting the backlash of second-wave feminism as characterized by the proposed ERA. It was either all or nothing. In the world's view, a woman was either trying to be a man or she was a backwards-thinking idiot. I did a year at UMBC while expecting Jeff and actually felt unwelcome on campus-one professor actually asked me to leave class once because Jeff's in-utero hiccups were making my belly shake and it freaked the teacher out. Another professor once used me as an unwitting object lesson to illustrate "the power of cult thinking on a previously bright mind." (sadly, a quote like that does not easily leave the memory.) It was a negative enough experience that I pretty much gave up on school at that point. Today, the pendulum is swinging back toward the center and women are realizing that choice doesn't mean being like or even competing with men, it means that there are actually choices. Don't get me wrong, third wave feminism is just as flawed as the other two waves, but reason is at least in view. It makes me so happy to see women with pure hearts and righteous desires following the spirit and being blessed with all kinds of opportunities to contribute, to be wonderful and be shining lights to the world but still be able to have their first intention be pointed toward their children. I know my amazing career as a professional knitter is a direct blessing for being willing to focus first on the kids and then look for little opportunities here and there. I started teaching just after Evan was born, and it has continued to build since then, but always I was able to be home as much as I felt I needed to. I look at the other knitting teachers I admire at the conferences I go to and they are in their 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's! Many of them did just what I'm doing-raised a family then branched out and ended up with 2 complete careers-each one at the right time and right place, instead of trying to do everything all at once and go crazy. One gal was a stay at home mom till she was 43 and now she's been a pro knitwear designer, teacher and author for almost 30 years! I'm not sure I have the attention span to do anything for 30 years! But I'll have that opportunity if I want to. That puts it in perspective for me.

One of my students is a brilliant woman-a psychiatrist who got her MD at Harvard-with 4 kids. She warns me all the time "not to be hoodwinked by the pernicious lie that women can have it all when their children are in the house." She actually had to be hospitalized in the early eighties because she believed the hype and pursued her career even though all she wanted was to be home with her kids. She really believed that being home was tantamount to wasting one's mind and talent.

Okay, I'll stop now. Holy cow-I did not intend to run on like that. Oh, what mischief can come of a free hour. I hope this doesn't read as judgemental or controversial to anyone. It was total stream of consciousness musing with no agenda whatsoever. It represents only my personal experience and I hope the message comes across that I am filled with love and admiration, with no qualifications, for all my dear sisters who are so busy making their lives into works of art.

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Something for the "Count Your Blessings" file

My sister, who happens to be confined to a wheelchair, recently got a beautiful new minivan that is adapted to her needs and she is driving for the first time in her married life. She can pack up her three kids and get herself in the car independently. I talked to her today and for the first time ever, she was able to sign up in Relief Society to take a meal to someone in need. It made her so happy to be able to serve in such a simple way. She also relishes doing the most normal things, like being able to go to the store when she's out of diapers instead of having to wait for her husband to come home, or picking her kindergartner up at school. So, on those days when I'm feeling a lot like a taxi driver working for free, or all I want to do is stay home, or I'm prying month-old petrified french fries off of places in my car where I thought french fries could never get to, I'll think of my dear sis, treasuring being a "typical" mom of three kids, complete with the mysterious smells in the car and the cheerios stuck to the inside of the car window.

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The True Meaning of Easter

The eternal and cosmic conflict of good versus evil, portrayed in....eggs.
You should have seen the to-the-death lightsaber duel between those arch ovoid enemies-Yodegg and Darth Vegger. Okay, okay I'll stop. The teeny tiny little Darth helmet that came with the egg decorating kit is very cool, though. And you do know that I'm just kidding about the true meaning of Easter, right?

I am thinking of making this photo or some form of it into my avatar. It is very me-I have a geek streak a mile wide, but I never take myself too seriously. I am a geek with self-awareness. And the ability to see the things I hold dear portrayed as eggs.

Sue and I did run yesterday-the snow did not keep us down! Easter was lovely today with a perfect blending of family, fun, and opportunities to ponder the real true meaning of Easter.
Here is the crew just after finding their Easter baskets:

We got a little extra time with the Bishop because meetings were cancelled for the holiday, and that was nice. My folks and my sister came over for Easter dinner. Mom brought the ham, Steph brought the rolls, and everything was just fantastic. I will include the dessert recipe for your enjoyment. Even if you never make the trifle, you really should try the fudge sauce. I could eat it with a spoon. Actually, I do eat it with a spoon. I have to watch myself so there's enough left for the trifle. Now, to the dishes. May the force be with me.

Chocolate Toffee Trifle

Ingredients:
1 box chocolate cake mix (recommended: Duncan Hines)
1/2 cup Hershey's Syrup
2 cups fudge sauce, recipe follows, or 1 (16-ounce) jar fudge sauce
3 chocolate covered toffee candy bars, broken into pieces
1 1/2 cups heavy cream whipped and sweetened with 1/3 cup sugar

Hot Fudge Sauce:
1 (4-ounce) bar German chocolate
1/2-ounce unsweetened chocolate
8 tablespoons (1 stick) butter
3 cups powdered sugar
1 2/3 cups evaporated milk
1 1/4 teaspoons vanilla

I like to make the hot fudge sauce ahead of time, refrigerate it till needed, then warm it up gently in the microwave or over a water bath before assembling the trifle. This is also fantastic by itself for ice-cream or straight from the spoon (for emergency use during PMS. )

Hot fudge sauce:
To make the sauce: Melt the German chocolate with the butter in a saucepan over very low heat. Stir in the powdered sugar, alternating with evaporated milk and blending well. Stirring constantly, bring the mixture to a simmer over medium heat. Simmer until the mixture becomes thick and creamy, about 8 minutes. Stir in the vanilla.

Directions:
Prepare the cake according to the package directions for a 9 by 13-inch cake. Cool thoroughly.
Prick the entire top of the cake with a fork. Pour Hershey's syrup over the cake and allow it to soak in. Wrap the cake with plastic and refrigerate for at least 3 hours. Slice the cake into 1-inch thick pieces.

Line the bottom of a large glass bowl with a single layer of cake. Pour 1/4 of the fudge sauce over the cake, top with 1/4 of the candy bar-bits then 1/3 of the whipped cream. Repeat layering 2 more times ending with fudge sauce and candy bits. Refrigerate until ready to serve.

Cook's Note: Assemble the trifle shortly before serving or it will get soggy

Number Of Servings:10 Preparation Time:hour

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A Good Friday

Today started with a brisk (read that COLD) walk at 6:45 am, then a private lesson at 9 then home before the kiddies even woke up. I made today a "screen-free" day which means any entertainment involving a video screen is off limits. I do that about once a month and it is always nice. The toughest part is for Eric to comply, poor guy. But he is doing very well. He did just ask if he could wait until midnight and then watch Law and Order. Hee Hee. From my darling offspring, I got total cooperation and no real complaints. Everyone rose to the occasion beautifully and read, played outside, helped me in the garden and generally acted like the lovely children I know they all keep hidden inside their sometimes moody skins. The house was quiet, peaceful and , wonder of wonders, I did not have to listen to the oddly otherworldly and, not oddly, annoying soundtrack of Zelda for Wii.

Tomorrow, Sue and I are supposed to run a 10-miler at 6:30 am, but I just checked the weather and it's supposed to be snowing and feel like 20 degrees outside. I'm dedicated, but I am not really sure I'm that dedicated. I'll get up and see how the roads are to decide if I want to drive over and meet her.

This is always my very favorite holiday weekend, and today was a very nice beginning.

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Ahhh Seattle

17 years ago, we lived in a suburb of Seattle for 9 months. You would think that would just be a blip in the memories of our marriage, but it was a watershed time for us. It was our first chance as a married couple to bond to each other without any family around, and it was a very peaceful time in my mothering life. Jeff was a happy-go-lucky two-year old and Johnathan was the world's easiest, quietest, sweetest baby. I found one of my kindredest of kindred spirits there, and we've stayed in touch ever since.

Every time I go there, I have a palpable sensation of homecoming. Sara (the kindred spirit) and her home, Mt. Ranier in the background, ferry rides and perfect Puget sound mornings...



... have become a refuge for me and I try to get back there as often as I possibly can. This time, Sara and I had so much fun. We shopped till we dropped, watched conference, watched the sun rise, walked on the beach, ate good food, laughed, cried, bore our testimonies, and oh, I am rejuvenated. This in contrast to last Monday being one of the most difficult nights we've had in our family in quite a while, complete with me feeling like a complete failure as a wife and mother, especially as the wife of the Bishop. Thankfully, emotions are not always reality, and perception does not equal fact, but giant journaling and then getting away from it all sure combined to help me get my perspective back. I know its not often practical to get away from it all, but this opportunity was a tender mercy and I hope that the memory of it will sustain me through the future rough spots that will surely come.

And just to prove that it really is true, even on the beach in Port Townsend, WA: Love, actually, is all around us...



On that note, I will go nurse my jet-lag by watching that very movie. Happy Thursday Morning !

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