Snow Week and True Confessions of an Armchair Psychiatrist

The kids are finally back to school after what seems like another vacation. My older two had half-days all last week, then the youngest missed last Friday to spend the weekend in Kentucky with family. Monday was a scheduled day off, then we've just had two snow days. After a delay of two hours, everyone is gone and now the house is quiet for the first time in a while. It always feels a little strange and I have to take a minute to figure out what to do next because no one needs to be reminded to do their chores or is telling me the cats need food.

Today I have to wait for a repairman till noon, so I'll be cleaning and doing laundry then I'm off to the grocery to get ready for my annual weekend away in PA. And the cats do need food, so I have some guidance there as to what to do, otherwise I'm on my own. It is too icy to run outside, so I'm forced to resort to some sort of exercise video (which means my workout will likely be the walk around the grocery store with a little bit of core strengthening thrown in from trying not to slip and fall in my driveway), then I'm off to the cabin.

Though I've tried a little bit, I'm still not really reading other blogs, which makes me even more appreciative that anyone still reads or comments on mine. I know there's etiquette here and I haven't been keeping up my end of the bargain. I've been trying to help a friend who is suffering for the past 6 weeks or so, and I've felt like I just didn't have room in my brain to know what anyone else was thinking or even doing. Things have changed though. My friend is still suffering, but I'm not what she wants as help right now, so I'm off the job other than to keep loving her and being here if she changes her mind. I'm okay, and have been okay, it has just taken up a lot of the spare energy I might have used on other things. Now that I'm letting her let me go, I have a little margin again.

I have this copied into an old journal. It applies somewhat here:

"Friendship that flows from the heart cannot be frozen by adversity, as the water that flows from the spring cannot congeal in winter."
- James Fenimore Cooper

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Intimations of Mortality

I had a nice conversation today with one of my most enduring friends. We've known each other since our very early teens and have managed to stay in touch on and off now for almost 30 years. She lives in California and I'm working on trying to see her when I'm there next month for work. We had the opportunity to talk about her brother-in-law, who was also an important friend from my teen years, who has been fighting cancer for a long time and has gone in and out of remissions for several years. Now it is back with a vengeance, they have abandoned western medicine for alternative options and he is very, very sick. They are very optimistic about the treatment they've found, but it will be a hard road. She said I wouldn't recognize him because he is so wasted by the disease and the treatments. This is a man just 4 years older than me.

We also talked about a mutual friend, who was younger than us by a couple of years, but with whom we both spent a lot of time. We were close enough that we had sleepovers together and borrowed each other's clothes, etc. This friend died last July from a rare and violent form of cancer that ravaged her body in a matter of months. My pal didn't know about this yet but when I told the news, it hit her hard, and for the first time, me as well. This time, I had someone our age, who was connected with her in a similar way to spark memories and share thoughts with. Thus my response to her death evolved rapidly from a detached sort of sadness about the death of a woman I once knew who lived far away to reminiscences about someone I loved and with whom I shared my hopes and dreams during my formative years.

Uff. That's it. No platitudes or advice. Just a deepened awareness. Make of it what you will.

That's me on the right holding the girl up. Rachel, who passed away, is on the left.

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An Auntie Again

My youngest sister had her second baby yesterday! She came three weeks early, before my mom could even get out to Arizona to help, but she's fine and beautiful to boot. She looks like her brother, with cute cheeks and dark hair. This brings the grand total of nieces and nephews to 18. We are especially happy to have another girl because of my folks' 23 grandchildren, only 6, now 7 are girls. It's a bit boyish when we all get together, so this new infusion of femininity will be welcomed by all. They range now in age from my oldest at 21 (almost 22) down to Newborn, with number 24 on the way in June. Pretty amazing. I'm so happy for my sis to have an uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery as she has Type 1 Diabetes and has to be super careful when she's pregnant. She's been blessed though, and this little one is just fine. I know her name, but I've no idea how it's spelled. It is Aubrey Susanne or something that will sound like that, if not look like it. Anyway, congrats to my darling sis!

I love being an Auntie, with the only downside being that I am far from all my siblings, thus all my nieces and nephews. I make up for it by trying to be friends with as many little ones here as I can, and the hugs I get go a long way toward filling up that void. Hopefully though, we'll be in Arizona for Christmas and I'll be able to play with lots of little relatives.

This is almost all of us in the summer of 2007. If you're trying to count, there are several missing: My son Jeff, plus one of my brothers, his wife and two children are missing. Oh and one brother wasn't married yet, so his wife and her kids aren't in this one either. Time flies I tell you! The new mama of today's post is sitting down on the rock on the right side.

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The Eyes Have It

Being a woman of contradictions such as I am, the fact that I had so much fun today makes some sense, but still, to look at me on a typical day one would not think so.

What am I talking about? Well, today I got to go to the Fila Academy where my pal Scarlett is a student and be her eye-makeup model.

Can I just say that she is amazing? A true artist. The best part was watching this girl work. Scarlett first did "Smokey Eyes" on me in a selection of green tones, and that turned out great,
but then I quickly stripped that off and got ready for a day-to-evening bridal look. I'm still wearing that one, including "flares" which are little wisps of artificial eyelashes that are applied with an adhesive to fill in one's natural lashes without the need for mascara. They don't have the heavy look of traditional false eyelashes (which I wore for the Smokey-eyes look), but they add thickness, length and definition. These are a bit long and dramatic for me, but the idea is sound, especially since they will last a week and you don't need mascara-pretty cool actually.


So why the surprise that this was so much fun? Because I am a beauty expert like Scarlett's worst nightmare. I use $1.49 Suave hair products. I wash my face with Cetaphil lotion and use sunscreen as a moisturizer. 4 days out of 7 I wear no make-up and barely do my hair. Yes, to me, L'Oreal is an upscale brand. Even though I've bought lots of Mary Kay and admittedly a trip to Sephora is really dangerous for me because I love trying new stuff that smells good and feels nice, I always end up back in my old habits and go no further than CVS or Target for my beauty needs. Even when I do wear make-up, it is paired with the same outfit I've worn since 7th grade-jeans and a sweater or t-shirt. Thus the contradiction. I love the idea of looking totally groomed and put together, of wearing black dress boots under my jeans for that great casual-chic feel, but I never quite care enough to make it happen during the normal course of my life. I do it for church and work, but the rest of the time, I tend to go au naturel. I like being able to put my hair up and out of my way rather than spend 60 minutes (yep, that's what it takes, even when it's short) blowdrying it and straigtening it. Maybe if I had an entourage and could sit and listen to an audiobook for the two hours it would take to put me together each morning, I would get into it. As Cindy Crawford the famous supermodel once said, "Even I don't look like Cindy Crawford when I wake up in the morning."


For now, today was a an awesome fantasy under the tutelage of a truly talented woman. I felt pampered, I felt pretty, and I appreciate the difference that make-up makes. It was totally fun to see the classroom setting and see how passionate the instructor and the students were about helping people look and feel beautiful.

Thanks Scarlett for the glimpse into the other side of me!

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What is it about Wuthering Heights?

I love this book. I carried a copy of it around with me in high school and just picked it up and read it at random times. I wasn't a dark, gothic, melancholy sort of kid, but this story with its intense language has always touched that that bit of me. I love movie versions of it, including the latest one on Masterpiece (I know it's not the best ever, but I'm easy to please-I love seeing the characters come to life and the settings, plus this is one was filmed in Yorkshire). It is so tragic that it is cathartic I suppose, and there is something about Heathcliff's misery. He is the iconic untamed man, possessing that deep sadness that begs to be healed. Something. I don't know. I remember once Evan was watching a version of it with me (my kids are pretty used to me watching costume dramas and will usually sit down and watch with me) and people started dying right and left and he finally looked up at me and said, "Mom is anything good going to happen in this movie?" I said, "Nope." He excused himself, shaking his head at my foolishness. Oh well. I always watch to the very end, weeping for the lost opportunities and imagining Cathy and Heathcliff together at last, wandering the moors. I'm putting the back of my hand to my forhead and sighing as I type this, really.

Oh, Heathcliff!

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Stuck back in Monday on a Very Important Tuesday

Today, Tuesday, has been a Monday morning in every possible way. What that actually means is that I am apparently in some sort of walking around coma because I'm breathing and eating and talking, but seem incapable of any higher function. I overslept about a half hour and was saved only by the fact that there was an hour delay of the schools. My alarm was set and functional, but I have no memory of even hitting the snooze button. See what happens when I get enough sleep?? I didn't know about the delay when my eyes opened, so I was thrust directly into a state of panic over how late it was. That made me irritable and jumpy for the rest of the morning, which is not a good way to send your high-schoolers out the door for exams, so add to the panic and irritability a healthy dose of guilt. I found a truly ugly email in my box from a friend I've been trying to help. That brought me low but I had to try to shove that aside and finish getting everyone ready to get out the door. I had no running clothes dry (forgot to start the dryer last night-see what I mean about the coma?) so I had to skip my run. Then there was no milk for the cold-cereal eaters, and naturally, hubby was at the store last night to pick up a prescription. He got ice cream, but I didn't even think to tell him to get milk (COMA!). Ev was not interested in a breakfast of cookies and cream ice cream with Fruity Pebbles on top. Oh, and I was so thrown by everything else, that I forgot to go to my photography group! Just clean forgot. coma!


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Okay, deep breath. This is not what I was going to blog about today. On to the full import of the day! It is indeed Tuesday and I am, on this Inauguration Day, full of hope for the future and respect for the office of the President. Hooray for the USA for another peaceful transfer of power! The future you wanted is here, America. Let's all roll up our sleeves and get to work.

As pleased as I am that the American people have broken through the race barrier to becoming president, Obama's no savior, and he's not a magician. However, he is ambitious, he is a hard worker, and he is an expert career politician, thus I think he'll be able to play the Washington game well enough to get things done. As NPR reported, one of his attributes when coming up through the Chicago political system was his ability to "go along" so that he would be where he wanted to be to get done what he wanted to get done. He has certainly accomplished that same thing on a large scale. His accomplishments speak for themselves-there is no doubt he has a pattern of success. So may it continue. For my part, while I am not swept away expecting miraculous or sudden change, I am ready to take responsibility for my citizenship, come to a consensus with the majority and try to stay informed and keep aware of the issues.

I will say a bit about George Bush, so please afford me some respect for my views, so we can start fresh to try and work together. Ironically, Mr. Bush did not play the Washington game, so it would seem that the change the voters want might be the reassurance of a man who will go along rather than the uncertainty of a man who doesn't care about being popular. Sadly, that unwillingness to go along was interpreted as not caring about the American people. That is an affront to the office of the President as well as deeply disrespectful of the man. Mr. Bush deserves gratitude and respect for just taking on the responsibility. It is possible to focus on the fact that he actually wanted to serve the American People. It is significant to me that he does not consider his presidency a failure even though he leaves with very low "poll numbers." That would indicate he had goals other than mere popularity, and maybe he accomplished things that might not have gotten a lot of news coverage. If any of us think we really know what he faced or what decisions we would make if standing in his shoes, we are fooling ourselves.

On this dawning of a new presidential era, I neither expect the government to change my life or save me from the circumstances I find myself in, nor do I blame the government for how things are, so it is pretty easy for me to roll with the changes. As a casual student of history, this day to me, while exciting, historic and truly memorable, is not so revolutionary as it seems. It is a normal adjustment, a pendulum swing. We've been down lower as a nation, and we've also seen better days.

Having said all that, my most pressing point is this: Barack Obama is taking on a position so difficult that my finite mind can barely comprehend what will be on his shoulders. Neither ambition nor popularity will carry the day. Character will, and I as a citizen of the United States of America make a choice to put my faith in his. He has my deep gratitude and my respect for being willing to lead this nation and I will be hoping, praying and working for his success.

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A Couple New Photos

Here are some results of the first part of my current photo group assignment. We were to photograph a situation and I chose Evan and pal playing on the Wii. I wanted to show their friendship and the fact that for them, playing video games is very interactive rather than passive. I really like working within the parameters that are set for us-it is a good way to manipulate variables that one might usually shy away from experimenting with.

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Brrrrr!

We are getting some seriously cold weather here and it always makes me appreciate our mostly mild winters. While I like 4 seasons and all that, this kind of windy wintry weather always takes me a bit by surprise. Fortunately, I have a lot of sweaters.

So, what's going on with the fam?

Well, Sam is having a great season in wrestling. He had another win tonight-and the best kind of win-a PIN! The meet was against Reservoir (an in-county rival), and while they lost the meet, I thought Sam did great. I may be slightly biased, though.

Sara and Sam have midterms coming up next week, so they have no homework right now, just "studying." So far, they must be resting up for all the studying I guess they are going to do over the weekend. Either that or they've written all their notes on the insides of their eyelids. I can't complain though, because they are both having a pretty good quarter. Test times often call for a "good breakfast" in the morning which is a stretch for me, because I'm an avowed cold cereal mom. Thus, my kids get excited when I buy them Eggos and Hot Pockets during tests. Seriously, that is what cold cereal does for you-it creates low expectations in your children. I feel sad for those moms who make breakfast all the time and then all of a sudden they have highschoolers who have to be out the door before the sun rises but who still expect a hot breakfast. Start them on cold cereal now before it is too late! Just kidding. I think those moms are amazing and wonderful and maybe a bit crazy, but then so am I so it's all good.

Evan's team is getting creamed in indoor soccer. It is a totally different sport than the outdoor version, and they keep playing these world-cup caliber teams with fancy matching uniforms, right down to the shoes and the personalized backpack for each player. Our little guys look like the Bad News Bears of Soccerdome. Bless their hearts. On Saturday, they only lost 7-2 and they considered it the highlight of the season because it was the lowest point spread so far.

Johnathan is doing great in Chile. His letters are long, detailed, thoughtful and spiritual. Maybe I'll put one or two in here so you can get an idea of what his days are like. He is experiencing everything I would want him to: joys and challenges. Bring on the growth and independence!

Jeff reads my blog, (hi Jeff!) so really, I should let him write for himself. But, I'm his mom, and we talk about this stuff, so it's okay. He is doing just what it seems a young man his age should be doing: going to school, dating a lovely girl, working at a job, and arranging his class schedule with Tuesdays and Thursdays off for skiing. Perfect. I want him to have these days. I want him to learn to balance his life and know that being a grown-up can be dang fun.

As for me, marathon training is well underway and today was a chilly 8-miler. It feels good to say I did it, though, when it would have been a perfect day to stay under the covers. I think that is why I keep up this insane sport (Yes Eric, it's a sport). It's one of the few things that I consistently finish. If nothing else gets done in a day, it is a good thing for a flibertygibbet like me to be able to say that I finished my run.

On the Looking-Forward-To-A-Lot list, I have several things making this January continue to just whiz by:

• my little in-person book group here at my house tomorrow
• seeing how Sam does in his big tourney this weekend
• having Eric home Monday and Tuesday
• two four-day school/seminary weeks
• and last but not least, my annual girls weekend up in the hills of Pennsylvania.

Add to that the fact that I'm actually reading and commenting on blogs again, spending some lovely times with my mom and other friends, and managing to keep an eerily tidy house for the last week or so, things are going pretty well.

BTW, I took the stockings down today and put away one nativity. Check back with me on Valentine's day. Sheesh.

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Time Flies

Is it really January 12th? I was doing bills and about fell over when I realized the 15th is Thursday. I think it is bothering me especially because while I got my Christmas tree down promptly for recycling as I usually do, I've gotten stalled on getting my nativity collection put away. And it is almost the 15th of January! I'm in Half-in-Half-out-Christmas-Decoration Limbo! Argh!

I also kept thinking that I had a really long time to get my book group assignment read and now all of a sudden I only have 2 days.

I think a lot of people must have been taken by surprise by the long holiday and not going back to school till the 5th, because it seems like I'm seeing more decorations still up than usual. Maybe I'm just hoping for absolution.

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Book Review: The Abhorsen Trilogy

Sabriel
Lirael
Abhorsen
By Garth Nix

Today it's a three-fer review. This trilogy is made up of three really nice books, but the story is so compact and interwoven, I think of it as all one.

This is a classic heroic tale, with many time-honored elements that make such stories almost irresistible to an imaginative reader. In addition to a strong undercurrent of magic, it has several generations of a family, loyal companions, fierce and terrifying enemies, and best of all, multiple young heroes who all have to figure out who they are and what their purpose is. The story is set in an imaginary Old Kingdom that is just over the wall from a land that is familiar enough to seem like England in the 1930's or so, but it's not. I know I've always hoped that there is some magical land just over a wall a few miles away, where technology gives way to magic, but where the fight between good and evil is just as immediate and important. I love it when an author blurs the line between fantasy and reality just enough to keep a reader like me from getting too old and cynical.

The writing is skillful, rich and detailed. Even though the story has so many familiar elements, it is unique and allows the reader to explore many universal themes within the context of a well-crafted plot. It didn't move at a fast pace for me, but that could be because I alternated reading and listening to the excellent audio book narrated by Tim Curry. That doesn't mean it is boring or ponderous though. It bridges the gap nicely between something like Lord of the Rings and an aftermarket Star Wars novel without ever taking itself too seriously or seeming silly.* I like that balance. It's actually taken me a few weeks to get through all three books because it was my non-directed, non-required reading that I saved for moments when I just wanted to relax. In spite of repeated picking up and putting down, I never lost the thread of the plot. There are interesting characters, but not so many that you have to make a list to keep them straight.

Since it is a young adult series, I read it somewhat from the perspective of what my teenaged kids might get out of it. Of all the elements for them to ponder and dream about, I particularly liked that the main characters were female, but the male characters were not idiots. The men and women, boys and girls actually complemented each other and helped each other. They all had their role and when everyone was true to it, rather than wanting to be something else, they were able to do what they needed to do.

*Know that as a reader of after-market Star Wars novels, I don't think they are silly. I was just drawing a comparison...

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The Days are Just Packed

Hopefully this won't jinx us, but it is Thursday and I say with cautious optimism that we've almost made it through the first week back to school and regular life after a really long Christmas break.

The weather's been classic Maryland-style wintry (rain with whole newscasts devoted to the possibility of snow that never comes), but not wintry enough for a snow day, but it is just as well so things can return to some sort of normalcy. I fell while running on Monday and have very swollen knees, but I'm going to try to get back to it today. It is cold and windy, but at least it's not cold and wet.

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I made it back from my run and what a run it was! I experienced my first dog attack (very dramatic-a white fluffy thing weighing maybe 8 ounces and standing approximately 6 inches tall at the shoulder viciously bit at my ankles), and there was so much ice on our usual path that we ended up gingerly walking a large part of the route so we didn't have any more falls. Sheesh-it took forever. We did survive and I know, I know, I should have stayed in my nice warm house and done an exercise video or something, but yet I did not, and now I can say I went for my run. It is a bit of a neurotic thing for a runner. Sort of like farmer nose blows. And skinned knees. Point of pride. You know. Well, maybe you don't.

I've had 5 photo shoots over the last couple of weeks and this week I will get the last of the proofing done. Every shoot is still a learning experience, and I love the proofing process, so that will be fun. I'm also doing tons of pro knitting for actual dollars, and that has been a great experience for me. There are moments, when I get a project done to spec, on time, get it packed up and sent out, that I feel like an actual organized person who could maybe make a living out in the real world someday.

Being, as I am, without a degree or any real work experience, I occasionally consider with a little trepidation the reality that I may have to be the breadwinner someday. But maybe my insatiable curiosity and willingness to try anything counts as education in some small way, and my odd hodgepodge of skills will be enough if the time ever comes. When I think about going back to school now, I'm not as excited about it as I once was, but sometimes I think I really should get some credentials. I've been looking into the photography certificate at the local community college. I'm also still interested in digital design and maybe web development, so I'm looking into that, too. Degrees are expensive though, even at the community college, so realistically, those options will have to wait.

The good thing about it is that I do consider myself educated, even though I don't have letters after my name, and I do believe that knowing how to learn is a valuable skill and that should the time come that I have to step up and contribute to my family's welfare in a different way than I contribute now, the way will open and I'll know what to do. For now, that belief will tide me over, and in the meantime I'll keep learning all I can , whether it leads to a degree or not.

Holy cow, can anyone get off on a tangent like me?? Well, thanks for reading anyway.

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Happy New Year 2009!

The new year is here, and I find myself happy, hopeful and looking forward. We spent a fun evening with friends toasting in 2009 and had a great time. I'm fortunate in so many ways, and feel grateful for everything I have. I love new beginnings and this certainly can be thought of as one. I love the excitement of filling in a blank calendar and making plans. It's fun to dream and set goals. As I look back on this year, it was, as usual, pretty ordinary, meaning proceeding in the regular or customary course. I'll gladly accept that description of a year because that means for the most part, everyone was safe, happy and living life. That is all anyone can ask.

I took some time myself to record some dreams and goals, and feel energized by the process. It will be fun to look back next year and see how well I did turning the future into the past.

Happy New Year to all my friends!

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Book Review: The Road

The Road
By Cormac McCarthy

I've wanted to read this for a while, mostly on the recommendation of a trusted book-friend. She had read All the Pretty Horses and found it unforgettable. When I found out this would be a movie with one of my fave actors, Viggo Mortensen, I thought I'd read it now in preparation for maybe going to see the film.

The book is written as a series of short phrases and sentences that give me the impression of an observer trying to process what his eyes are telling him. It is a difficult job and small bites are the best the mind can do. I really liked McCarthy's use of language. He loves words. I can tell because I had to get out my dictionary and I enjoy it when an author challenges me like that.

It takes place in a terrible, burned America where only a few people have survived a destructive event that remains largely mysterious except for the horrific clarity of the aftereffects. The images are haunting and the story is powerful. The plot centers around a father and his son trudging through the ruined land to find the coast where maybe it is warmer, or there is more food, or life will just be better. Theirs is a loving bond, which truly makes the depravity in which they exist bearable. If not for their relationship, I'm not sure I could have stood the pain. Before you dismiss it as depressing, though, let me say that it is not. It is painful, but it is not without humanity, hope and compassion. In fact, I would say that those are the central themes. So, read it with your eyes wide open, but be prepared to shut them in horror occasionally when McCarthy puts the ugliness right out there, too graphic to ignore. The ugliness served to frame the faint beauty perfectly, though, and I'll be thinking about this one for a long time.

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