More Milestones

The pomp and circumstance has begun. My third child is about to graduate high school. The past weeks have brought his 18th birthday, his completion of the Eagle rank in Boy Scouting, and now, all the end of the year events for seniors. Our family sort of shuns pomp and circumstance, so these things have never been our favorites, and Sam especially would rather not have to have any of the walking and costumes and all that. But, it is the way our society recognizes achievement, and it creates memories, so there you go. Sam's amazing year of wrestling brought him one more honor at the Senior Awards Ceremony, and all the seniors were there in their gowns, sweltering in the un-air-conditioned auditorium (there's the memory part). It was a nice moment for him to receive such a recognition and I'm glad I got to see it. They kept changing the lights, and we actually had no idea which award he was receiving, so when the moment came, I was unprepared and my camera settings were all wrong, but I had to go with it. Thus I have, shall we say, "creative" shots of his award from the Marine Corps. He sums up the moment and the relative value of the award by reporting that his certificate in its folder made for a mighty fan to keep him cool (much better than the flimsy program). I still haven't talked him into a senior photo shoot, but I think I'll corral him on Sunday while he is still in his suit after church. We might get his announcements out by the time he starts college. Anyway, I could gush on about this boy for several more paragraphs, but he'd be annoyed, so I won't. Let's just leave it at the fact that he's awesome, I'm so proud of him and feel so lucky to be his mom.

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Talismans

Today I'm feeling just a little anxious and restless so I've dressed myself in talismans.

I have so much going on right now.

All good of course, just all at once.

One of those convergences.

I'm also worrying along with friends with hard things going on.

It's good to cry and feel what they're feeling.

I like that connection.

I just need to make sure my own nets are mended so I can help them catch all the sadness and love and fear.

And put it in its proper place.

It will all be okay.

I know because today I carry with me the ones who love me and the times when I've been strong.

I look at my wrist and see silver hearts and know I'm loved by my dear friend.

I feel strong and graceful in my dress that looks like one my grandmother wears in an old photo.

I can think of my husband's grandma when I wear her jewelry.

Don't worry, I know that strength doesn't really come from the bits and bobs.

But feeling the weight of the the thing on my skin connects me to the feeling in the fingers

that touched it before it came to me.

I think of lives well-lived that I can learn from.

And I remember when I got through hard things.

And that my friends love me enough to help me catch the sadness.

I'm so glad we're never really alone.

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Catching Up

Yesterday and today have been spent madly crossing things off my list. The good news is that I'm actually doing things before I cross them off the list, so things are, in fact, getting done. I have been tempted to just cross a few things off and pretend they never existed, but I'm being disciplined, against my better judgment. I'm catching up a bit from a weekend of mostly fun and no work, but it was worth it to spend the time with The Couple.

I am still almost continuously working on a very overdue knitting deadline, but I'm in the home stretch. My hands are really struggling, so I have to alternate the knitting with other things, and it works out because I have the attention span of a goldfish and I get tons done when I have to switch back and forth. So, I knit for a half hour, then go do some laundry, then knit, then go plant a couple of plants or weed for a half hour, then knit, then unload the dishwasher, etc. It sounds more like the workings of a hamster on cocaine, I know, but it actually does keep me quite productive, and I keep my hands from going numb: win-win. I do plan on going to see a doctor about the numbness, so if you know a good hand specialist, I'm interested in his or her name.

Okay, back to the list.

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They're Here!

The Lovely Couple arrived early Wednesday morning after a redeye from LA. I think they're still a bit jet-lagged. After they napped a bit, they ran errands and we visited and went to get some groceries. Yesterday was hanging out, watching the weather, then engagement photos and dinner from Cheeburger Cheeburger. Today we went to the Amish Market for all sorts of yummyness, then tonight they'll be at the rehearsal dinner for the friend's wedding that brought them out here in the first place.

It's been delightful having them here. She has just joined right in on all the commotion and activity here-I'm very impressed with her poise among a posse of strangers. She and Jeff are very fun to watch together, and I'm thrilled for them both.

I'm really happy with the photos we took for their announcements. I've always wanted to shoot around Carroll Baldwin Hall, an old stone building near my house. It has grand arched windows and beautiful stonework, but it is also sort of rough around the edges, making for some wonderful backgrounds. We just had a blast. Here is a slideshow of some favorite images.

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They're Coming!

Tomorrow I will see my son and meet his lovely bride-to-be for the first time, unless you count skype. I'm walking the line between going crazy getting the house ready and not wanting to be stressed and only trying to impress. Let's face it though, I want her to be comfortable and not run away screaming, so I am a little stressed. We don't have a fancy, decorated house. We have a small, cottage-y sort of house with lots of books and pictures and yarn and food and pets and too much stuff and every single craft my kids have ever made on display.  It's a bit like the Weasley's house in Harry Potter, but without the gnomes. It needs paint and some serious updating. Our spare room is an unfinished basement with fabulous foil insulation panels for walls.  But, there are roses and petunias and iris blooming, and there are places to put your feet up and relax and there is often music playing and something good to eat on the counter, so I guess it will do.

There is nothing like looking at your home through the eyes of a guest to put things in sharp relief though, and it is a struggle to keep perspective.  I have to remember that she is coming to see us, not the house, and we are so excited to meet her-it's like she's part of the family already. We love her even now. Hopefully our cozy little house will make her feel welcome and that she belongs. This is the house that helped to make Jeff who he is, so I hope she will feel that as well.  My heart will always warm to when my visiting friend from far away said that our unfinished basement room felt like a home while they were visiting. That's better than a compliment on the decor any day of the week.

Self-consciousness is a terrible thing, because when I'm not thinking about what someone else might think, or what sort of house I ought to be living in, I really like my house. Mrs. Weasley is one of my favorite characters in HP. The Burrow was the place where Harry felt the sensation of being home. My house does feel like a home and that always was the goal. It's enough. 

But I am going to go have a little late-night vacuuming session. Just for good measure.

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Opening Up

I got so mad at my daughter today of all days. She was still in bed when it was time to go.

After my lovely breakfast, complete with singing and gifts.

I lost my temper completely. It made my heart shrivel up and get hard and cold.

Do you know what I mean? I could actually feel my heart get smaller.

I got to church and felt alone in the crowd. I was annoyed at everything and everyone.

I hate it when I feel that way. This is more than just my church community.

They're my family.

I found a scripture in the Bible about the wrath of fools.

It is heavier than a rock. As heavy as a hard heart. I know that now.

I wrote my girl a note during the service and felt a tiny little softness start.

Then the lessons helped me think about prayer and healing.

I came home and was given the gift of time to rest and think.

I caught up on blogs and wrote thank you notes.

I sent my sisters a mother's day email.

I felt my connections with the world start to reweave themselves.

I listened to my family work together to make dinner.

I got to hear the faraway voice of my son in Chile.

 My dad came over and helped with the dinner.

My friend who is like family came for dinner and we laughed and laughed.

I asked the family for one last gift, something rare and precious. They said yes.

There wasn't a single rolling eye. I was amazed.

You can see it here.

My heart is beating again.

 

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Unplanned Adorableness

We noticed after school the other day that my boys were dressed alike. It was completely unplanned.
Of course I had to get some pictures. 

 In other news, I'm still sick and really tired of being so. It started last week with the virus-fever aches, sore throat, etc., then went to a sinus infection/laryngitis exacerbated by the worst allergies I've ever had in 40 years of living in MD. I feel well enough to do one thing each day, then I turn into a pumpkin and fall asleep on the couch when I should be doing many other things.  The good news is that I can make sounds with my voice and have graduated from frog to what my friend astutely observed is a 1-900 number voice.  Yes, very sexy. So, now you can call me and I won't even charge you any money for making you laugh.  Another advantage is that I can sing bass. No really. I had to today and this same friend was laughing out loud while we tried to sing a camp song together at a planning meeting and I was a full octave below everyone else. It's totally okay because it was pretty funny.  Hopefully on Monday I'll either be feeling better or I'll have enough energy for my one thing to be getting my lovely plants in the ground. I do love my garden.  Here's my clematis vine flower that reminds me of a stargazer lily:

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Another Milestone

Today I'm thinking about how old I am, which is 43. I don't really feel any particular age-it occurs to me that years are very arbitrary and perhaps rather a crude tether for our earthly lives and that we are simultaneously young and old at the same time sometimes.  I think that must be why during some phases, time seems to go so slowly and during others, especially when it comes to my life as a mother, time passes so, so quickly.  Yes, that is such a cliche, especially coming from an older mom. All the young moms read that and think, "She can't possibly remember the relentless, eternal endlessness of kids not sleeping at night, or doing laundry all the time or never having a minute to yourself."  I remember. I really, really do.  But then I blinked, and here I am.

Here I am on the other side of what really does feel like a blink, feeling philosophical about my oldest son's biggest step yet.  It's the one that all the other steps have led to, in a way. It is the step that takes him permanently to his own, new home.  Yes, he is getting married. I'm completely happy about it because it feels right.  Some have already commented that I must be sad to be losing my son. Maybe it is my naivete, but I don't understand those comments.  It is not a loss for me or our family, it is an addition, an abundance, a harvest, a gathering, a glorious new page in our story! It's the goal achieved, isn't it? Didn't we all know from the get-go that our kids don't belong to us-that they are their own? We're the teachers, the caretakers, the ones who show them how to become their own, but we never owned them. Knowing that always made my children feel more precious, not less. I always was odd.

Anyway.

He has found a girl that I don't know yet but in whose eyes I see love and laughter and life. Those are things that my son has, so I'm confident in his confidence in her.  He has chosen to marry young and while still in school, which most people think is crazy, but which are things that I did, so even though I know what they're in for, I'm happy for their crazy bravery because they'll learn that happiness is a choice and there is no such place or time as "easy."  Why not learn together?

So, there you go. A new family. He asked her on a California beach at sunset and they are planning on getting married in August. It feels as miraculous and thrilling to me as the day he was born.

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Milestone

I'm still unable to talk. I can use all my breath and make a sort of croaking sound, but still mostly whispering. The kids are getting a big kick out of the whole thing. They've figured out that they can say things like, "You're dumb, Mom," (get it?) and "The frog has spoken," etc.  It's all good fun. I'm glad that a part of the culture of our family is humor, so I can roll with their teasing for a couple more days. Plus I am feeling better from the sickness part, so it's all good.  I'm back to doing all my normal stuff after completely crashing on Monday and even part of the morning today. I felt much better after finally getting a shower at 12:30 pm.

Which is a good thing because even though I've been asked to not make a huge deal about it, one of my children celebrated her sixteenth birthday today and I needed to be able to do some things. I think she had a really good one. I will have to refer you to previous posts about her because she felt pretty strongly about me not gushing on about her today here in my blog. So I won't.  I'm mostly happy that she's happy. She got flowers and cards cake from friends and ribs and a sundae with a sparkler in it from Famous Dave's and as far as I can tell, that is really all she wanted.  I'm also happy that she's who she is at this milestone age. I feel so privileged to be her mom. She even let me send her off with a hug this morning, which is a rare and precious opportunity for us. So, I'm glad she knows I love her. Even if I am dumb.

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Whispers, Croaks and Baa-aas

I've lost my voice. I've caught a nasty little virus along with two of my kids and my voice was the first thing to go. That would have been sort of okay except that I worked all weekend and I work as a teacher. So, over the course of the weekend I got to shout for hours so that classes could listen to me croak at a low-to-medium volume through my material.  Fortunately, knitters are, by and large, among the nicest people on earth, so everyone was very gracious about it. Plus it was at the MD Sheep and Wool Festival that I was teaching, which is one of my favorite places in the world. I broke my rule for my annual t-shirt. I'm a serious collector, so I couldn't really have a blank spot. (It did feel really weird to spend money on something other than groceries, actually) By the way, these aren't mine, they were on display at the festival. I have way more than this.

But, all things considered, I'm really glad that tonight has finally arrived. It has been an intense couple of weeks with two major teaching gigs in a row along with all the preparation and everything in between. I'm whipped. Tomorrow is a nothing day. I will thrill to my little email from google calendar at 5:19 that says, "You have no events scheduled today."  Hopefully I haven't forgotten anything, which is always a possibility, but I don't think I have.

Now that I'm home trying to rest, my normal speaking voice comes out as a full whisper-no sound at all, and it's always funny when this happens (I get laryngitis fairly regularly) because the kids start whispering back and the house gets very quiet. I can't yell from upstairs that I need someone or something so I have to go to them and they have to come to me. I always find myself wondering why I so quickly go back to yelling for them after my voice is recovered. Maybe this time will be different, but I doubt it. 

So tomorrow I'll rest and drink lots of fluids and check my temperature. The kids are still running at about 99 degrees each, but both of them are begging me to go to school tomorrow. It seems weird, that two teenagers should beg to go to school,  but they have been sick since Saturday and are feeling quite claustrophobic in the house, plus they both have tests and such tomorrow. It's always a hard decision once they get into middle and high school. I on the other hand have also been sick since Saturday but have hardly been home. So, I am looking forward to being in all day, regardless of my temperature. So, don't call me unless you need a good laugh. I won't be able to make myself understood on the phone, but I'll sound hilarious if I make the attempt.

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