A Good Ending

Wednesday night was the Eagle Court of Honor for my son Sam and his good friend Matthew.  It's the second time my pal Cathy and I have hosted a court of honor for our sons, and once again, it was a good thing.  

As usually happens with these kinds of milestones and the events that commemorate them, it was a shared moment. Thanks to good scout leaders, good friends and a few miracles, these boys accomplished a lot and now have the award to prove it.  The evening was pulled together with an absolute ton of help and I'm so grateful. It felt like a family gathering because of the people that were there. 

One doesn't necessarily think of a Scouting event as either spiritual or emotional, but this one turned out to have both of those elements. In our church, Scouting is blended with the young men's youth program, so all the things that make a good Boy Scout are applied by being active in church. The programs are perfectly harmonious. So, it is not an unusual thing to have a discussion of the rigors of the trail applied to the journey we all take through life, with Christ compared to the great guide and rescuer, the Holy Ghost compared to the great hiking buddy and the rewards of the hike compared to the rewards of a life well-lived. At our court of honor, these things were taught with tenderness, good humor and a sense of caring that really, really touched my heart. 

I have to admit I was stressed about the evening-lots of things got left to the last minute in spite of having the date picked for weeks, I always feel ambivalent about scouting events because I'm such a lame scouting mom, and it came at a crazy busy time. In the end, of course, because we never have to do these things alone, it all worked out. The help we received to pull it off was no less than heroic, seriously.  I did have to spend an afternoon branded the Unbalanced Crazy Yelling Mom because I had the unmitigated gall to express a few expectations about how things should be (ask Sam about proofreading the printed program the next time you see him), but I guess I can deal with that now that it's over and it went so well. 

One thing I don't want to forget about this particular Court of Honor was the bond that was expressed between Sam and Matthew. As I was assembling photos for little slideshows of their Eagle projects, it made me happy that Sam was there all the way for Matthew's project and vice versa. They've had the chance to experience scouts and the young men's program together from the beginning,  and it was special to see how much it meant to them. 

I also don't want to forget, though I probably will, just how good it feels to be helped and supported and not have to do all the hard things yourself. I get so caught up in feeling like I've failed if I'm not the one to provide everything. I hunker down and worry and get all defensive when people step up to rescue me. This night was so filled with love and a feeling of community--for our boys, for all the scouts, for our church congregation, etc., that my heart was really softened and I remembered to be grateful for the saving. There are so many people to thank, and I hope to do it very soon. 

Sam gets his award. We forgot to detach all the doodads from the
case, so in the next photo, I'm fumbling around with that.

The mom actually pins the Eagle award on her son. 

A previous scout leader made time to travel far to be here with
the boys. 

Matthew honors another favorite leader with a Mentor pin. 

One of Sam's most beloved leaders called all the Scouts who'd ever
been on the trail with him to gather round the campfire so he could
talk to them personally. It was a beautiful moment. His love for all
the boys was so evident, and they reflected it back in turn. 

We feel very, very blessed indeed to have Matthew and his
family in our lives. 

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Merry Christmas

It's the end of a really lovely Christmas weekend. A few of the new movies have been watched, the kitchen is nearly reclaimed from the firestorm of cooking and today has been a nice, quiet day of recovery and enjoying.  My sister and her family are here, so we have all the activity and fun of three small boys in the house. Sam and Johnathan are home and the house is full to bursting (in a good way of course) of suitcases, air mattresses, gifts, food, kids and lots of other stuff, but it's evidence of togetherness, so it's all part of this year's story.

We were able to preserve pretty much all of the important traditions, including the nativity play (oh the silliness), the before-the-gift-opening portrait on the stairs, the ebelskiver breakfast, etc. It's been fun over the years to add new traditions, a favorite of which is lighting the "fireplace" (an awesome dvd of a fireplace that my pal Holly gave us a couple of years ago).  Now it wouldn't be a proper Christmas morning without our "fire" crackling away merrily in the background. Ha ha.

I got lovely gifts from pals, fun and thoughtful gifts from my family, and was totally surprised by Eric's gift of a new laptop.  He laundered the purchase through one of my son's checking accounts and I was totally clueless. It was completely unanticipated and much appreciated.

Most of all, I'm glad to be able to celebrate in such a grand and glorious way. I find myself grateful for all the parts of my life and especially grateful that I have so many wonderful people with whom I can share everything that happens.

Merry Christmas from all of us to all of you.

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It Does a Mom's Heart Good

A couple of months ago, when I knew I was having some younger children coming to stay with me, I bought some washable tub crayons, just for fun.  My own kids love them and the crayons have taken up permanent residence in the shower, yielding some fun results.  My kids will have graffiti conversations with each other, games of tic tac toe, etc.  The other night, Evan won a wrestling match with a pin in the first minute. The next morning, this is what I found in the shower:

I love this one because if you look closely,  the figure standing up is identifiable as Evan by the green eyes. 

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The Reason for the Not Reading

Today I got my kids out the door at 6 am, checked my email and saw a book on my desk that I really need to return to a friend. I put it in my bag so I would make sure to give it back to her today while running errands. But I really wanted to read it, or at least see if I would like it, then maybe I could keep it another week. So, I went back upstairs, turned the electric blanket back on and started reading. Now, at 9:40, I'm on page 190, I'm still in my jammies, and, while sadly my long to-do list for the day hasn't gone anywhere, I don't want to stop reading now with only 80 PAGES TO GO! So now I'm doing what makes the most sense of course, I'm avoiding any sort of decisive action by blogging. It's a very good method for me.

This is why I sometimes go weeks or months without reading a whole book any more. It's because I LOVE it so much and I can't seem to do it in small bites and when I do go all in, I can't seem to do anything else. Sigh.

It's only 80 pages, right? Good thing I left that electric blanket turned on.

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The Lunar Eclipse and Winter Solstice

Last night, I stayed up till 3 am to watch the Lunar Eclipse. It was of special interest to me that it happened the same night as the Winter Solstice. I love the skies and everything that has been imagined, written, studied and discovered in relation to the phenomena observed there. I fall into the category of people that see amazing things above and have spiritual feelings well up in me. I think about things bigger than me and in the moment of contemplating the stars, the clouds, a rainbow, the moon or anything else, I'm lifted up, out of my normal concerns. I lose track of time and get glimpses of eternity--the past, the present and the future all become a bit easier to understand, or at least to imagine.

I am equally as interested in the science and the lore of the skies, especially on a night like this. I love all the statistics and numbers (this is the first time these two events have converged in 327 years) and understanding exactly what is happening. For me, knowing and studying those things has no effect on the majesty and magic of a full moon changing so dramatically over the course of a couple of hours and then returning to its usual, constant state. Can you imagine what people long ago, without the knowledge and technology that we now have, might have thought while watching the heavens on a night like tonight?

I thought about how lucky I was to have had my daughter mention it to me (I was unaware-don't watch the news much anymore) and that I have a really good lens on my camera. I was also grateful to have my family be excited about it and have two of my kids out there with me in the freezing cold night. I thought about how small the earth can seem when a friend in Denmark reminded me that so many of us were staring up in wonder at the same moon. Mostly I thought, "Wow. This is so beautiful. It makes me feel alive, excited, engaged, curious and amazed." I really like feeling those things, so this was a good night. Breathtaking in fact.
Here are my photos.

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Some Recent Reading

The Anglo Files

by Sarah Lyall

Part Memoir, Part Documentary

You might like this book if: You are interested in British culture or you enjoy books that examine other cultures in relation to American ideals.

NYTimes reporter Sarah Lyall married an Englishman and moved to London in the mid-nineties. Since then, she's faithfully written down her close-range observations of her adopted country. The result is this book. I first heard about it when a friend and I made a pilgrimage to Politics and Prose in D.C. and we found copies for lovely low prices. As a regular partaker of any kind of British-accented entertainment I can get my hands on, I was in. I immediately got a kick out of the cover, which shows Queen Elizabeth as, what else, a tea bag. Ha!

It was a quick read and even though it is about a whole other country, I didn't even need my dictionary. Lyall's look at Britain comes through decidedly American eyes, with the tone of a sort of conspiratorial, whispered conversation with her fellow Americans where she says, repeatedly, "I love the British, but yes, they really are like that." This bothered me at first and I wondered at her emphasis on the mockable and ridiculous, but in the end, I think she makes it pretty clear that to British folks, we Americans are just as odd and stereotypical (and mockable and ridiculous). We each have a distinct culture and way about us, and it's okay. The parts I didn't like run more toward personal taste and interest, and had mostly to do with swearing, drinking and sex. The parts I did like were laugh-out-loud funny, including whole chapters about Cricket, food and weather, and of course finding out about the British love of hedgehogs. Another highlight for me was her revelation that "there are so many badger-support groups that it was deemed necessary to create an umbrella organization, the National Federation of Badger Groups, now known as the Badger Trust, to coordinate all the disparate badger-related activity." For some odd reason, I just like knowing that.

Overall, I think the author feels genuine affection for the UK and its people, but in the end I'm not sure she communicates it fully. While for the most part I enjoyed the book, I feel like she stopped short in each of her chapters, leaving the focus on the odd and inscrutable behavior (or what she deems so to an American reader) and forgetting to remind the reader of the best parts of British culture. Maybe, as the title implies, she just assumes that we're all Anglophiles and she doesn't need to explain that part.

Various Classic Christmas Stories:

• A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens-This one totally deserves its classic status. If you only know the various movies, read the book. The masterful language, the skilled imagining of the darkly magical journey of Scrooge, the sharp criticism of social injustice, and the glorious lesson of redemption and rebirth make this worth a read every single year.
• The Gift of the Magi by O. Henry-What a lovely, romantic, powerful tale. It never grows old for me. It is dated firmly in the turn of the century in terms of images and setting, but that is the time when modern language and usage was really evolving and it was refreshing for me to see how current and sharp the writing really is. This will get anyone thinking about generosity, selflessness and what it means to really cherish the people we love.
• Two by Henry van Dyke:
• The Mansion-I had never read The Mansion but it was mentioned by a leader of my church so I was curious. It is a story about a man who considers himself the very best of men, virtuous, above reproach and generous, as long as the cause is deemed worthy. He has a dream experience that teaches him otherwise and I found it quite powerful and touching. Like all the others here, it is definitely rooted in the Christian religious tradition, but the message is important for anyone. Once again, in spite of the age of the story, I found it absolutely universal in its message.
• The Other Wise Man-This one is pretty well-known and has been made into a TV movie called The Fourth Wise Man. It is the story of another Magi who missed the rendezvous with the the famous 3 after the star was sighted. As he searches for the baby Jesus, he has to make decisions along the way about what really matters-finding the King he wants to worship or helping the people in need that he encounters in his travels. I think the story of the birth of Jesus is universal enough that this is accessible to anyone, and the message is similar to all the other stories that are associated with the Christmas season, which is that charitable and loving action is more important than professing belief. What matters in the end is how we treat each other-that is how anyone can tell what we believe and value.

I hope you're finding some time in your schedule to read or listen to some good stories. I listened to all the Christmas stories as audiobooks while I wrapped gifts or cleaned or whatever, and it was a delightful way to bring in the spirit of the season. It's been weeks since I've been able to focus long enough to get all the way through a book, so I'm feeling rather triumphant right now.

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Listening for Those Trucks

For the most part, the shopping is done. I still have a few things yet to be delivered, wrapped up, and, in some cases, mailed out again. I tried shipping things directly, but some things couldn't be gift-wrapped or the additional cost of gift-wrapping plus sending to separate addresses was just too much. So, I thrill now to the sound of a big truck in my neighborhood. I know their routes, so I can usually tell by what street they're on and what direction they're going whether or not they will come down my street or not. Tomorrow I have all day during school planned to watch Christmas movies and get everything done that I possibly can. It will be very fun and festive, at least in my mind's eye. I'm actually not stressing that my Christmas cards have not been delivered yet, and am bravely facing the fact that said cards will likely arrive at their various destinations after Christmas. My resolve to stay in the joy of the season is sticking and I'm determined to enjoy the process.

In other news, Evan is feeling better and is going to try wrestling at tomorrow's meet. Today the doctor pronounced him free of strep or other bacterial infections, so now we wait for his body to do the work of healing. In addition to listening for delivery trucks, I'm counting down the days till my kids get home and praying for them to do well on their finals.  I'm in the home stretch of actually finishing a book in one read rather than giving up halfway as has happened with the last three or four books I've tried to read. I feel good about that.  I talked to my sister today and it is starting to feel real that we'll have family in the house for the holiday. We got all the sleeping arrangements figured out and I can't wait for them to get here. Another sister may come for a visit after Christmas, which would just be the icing on the cake.

I'm starting to feel that very particular sense of anticipation mixed with busyness mixed with excitement that makes this season feel different from other times of the year. Time and space seem to compress and the familiarity of tradition keeps me centered in the rush of this year's list. I like that feeling. I like it when I catch myself humming to the Christmas carols or just stopping to look at the lights of the tree. I'm not even sure what I'm feeling at those moments-memories? security? satisfaction? Maybe a combination of all of those and more.

So c'mon UPS and Fedex and my own good old postman that I've had for 15 years, bring that goodness to my door so I can wrap it up and share the love.

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Hard Day

I'm at a big wrestling tournament which started very promisingly yesterday evening for Evan. Today however, he's running a fever and showing every sign of getting a nasty virus, so he's getting stomped every time. Days like this are for character building and learning to get up when you're down I suppose. I hope that's what my boy is getting out of the experience. The good things I can find are that he's willing to keep stepping out onto the mat and his teammates and sister are being incredibly supportive and helpful. That's always nice to see.

Update: Later on in the day, in a nail-biter of a scrappy fight, Evan came out and won his last match of the day on points, 7-5. It was the best possible outcome because it showed that he believed in himself enough to keep trying after getting pounded so many times and while feeling at his lowest physically. I was so proud of him. I've seen my other boys go through this same thing and it reminds me of why it is that sports and other challenging activities can be a good thing.

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Discarding the Meaningless

On Sunday evening, our family participated in a tradition that I love because it helps me remember what I want my Christmas season to really be. We watched The First Presidency Christmas Devotional, which is an hour-long program of music and speeches presented by my church. It was lovely this year, full of gentle humor, reminders about what is important and several fun literary references.  If you're curious and want a quiet, music-filled hour of pure Christmas spirit, here is the link to the entire thing. This year, the most memorable phrase for me came from Thomas S. Monson, the President of our church, when he lovingly and kindly admonished us to let the season be a time of, among other things, "Discarding the Meaningless." I have taken that to heart both literally and metaphorically and the effort has already been a good thing.

I love all the parts of Christmas, from the music to the gifts to the decorations. I truly enjoy it. I just really, really want to make sure that I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off to impress people (I include my kids on the list of people I might be trying to impress) or to  checklist that I did something based on what others think. Let's face it, no amount of shopping or sending of cards by some magical date will change who I am or what my pals think of me.  I want to do whatever I do because I'm motivated by love and what I truly believe about the season. But, because I usually care a LOT about what other people think, I do a LOT of running around and I'm always in the process of getting better at letting things go. As the years have gone by, I've gradually been able to simplify some of the things that either society or the voice in my head tell me are necessary, but it is still not easy.  I still compare myself to other people and usually give myself the short end of the stick, and there's the rub. I want to get rid of all the parts of Christmas that feel to me like a contest I can never win. Mostly because I feel my heart shrink a tiny bit from the ones who do "win." I want to NOT feel a little stab of something (is it jealousy? derision? I'm not sure) when others do amazing, beautiful things to celebrate the season that I will never duplicate. I love them a tiny little bit less in that moment because I feel like I lost that contest (the one I made up in my head). It just breaks my heart when I have to recover from feelings like that about people that I love.

And so I will continue to try and discard the meaningless. It doesn't matter what those things are, so I'm not going to list them here, because some things that are "meaningless" for me are incredibly important to others. If a tradition or practice truly brings you joy, then it is a good thing. Even if it causes a little stress. Sometimes even that price is not too high to pay. I just want to be aware of when it does become too costly.

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Good Bread

Update to this post, 12/14/2010: For some reason, the links to the actual recipe and blog post in the third paragraph below are dead. The whole article has disappeared. Drop me a line and I'll email you the recipe if you're curious. 

So, I've been a curious bread-baker for many years, with varying results. I have lots of books and have tried every single "proven" recipe that anyone and everyone has ever shared with me. I still never felt totally confident and sometimes the bread was great and sometimes not.

For the past couple of years I've been thrilled with my two no-knead recipes, found here and here and use them very, very often. I've never had a failure with either of these recipes.  Both make a rustically beautiful round loaf with an open, chewy crumb and a very chewy crust. Delicious for spreading with butter and honey and eating an entire loaf at one sitting, but not always so  perfect for every-day sandwiches. I have a bread machine recipe that I like a lot that I use for the kids' daily lunch bread, but I've been longing for a foolproof loaf-pan recipe that gives me the same confidence that the no-knead methods have given me.

 Yesterday, it dropped right into my lap. Or rather my email box. I'm so excited. Check it out here in a blog post with photos, detailed instructions and a great story and here for the printable recipe. I've made 2 loaves already with different flours and both came out perfectly. The loaf in the photos is made from King Arthur 100% White Whole Wheat. I also tried it with half regular flour/half home-ground wheat flour and that got eaten while it was still hot. Next will be the 100% regular whole wheat test, which I think will be tomorrow afternoon's Sunday Kitchen Therapy.  This bread has a fine, soft crumb and a soft crust and slices to perfection. It does make great toast, as the blog post attests, but I made myself a salami sandwich with mayo and it was heavenly. Likewise the steady stream of bread, butter and honey I've been living on today.

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Good Stories

Last night as I drove home from a teaching gig and some evening shopping, I chanced upon NPR's Hanukkah Lights. This is a feature that offers up to the listener specially commissioned stories by established authors during the Hanukkah season. I felt a physically soothing sensation as the well-crafted stories and remembrances moved through my ears to my brain and then to my heart. I felt connected with the world, more curious about people and place I've never been, and well, as cliche as it sounds, transported. It felt both like dreaming and being more awake at the same time.  These are all the reasons I love words and books and poetry.  I see pictures when I read or hear words and I can go places and see things through the act of reading or listening.  I've been so busy in the past weeks that it has been difficult for me to focus on reading. I'm always thinking of the next place to be, the next obligation I've taken on, the next thing on the list, so much so that every time I do sit down to read I find my mind  wandering back to the world where I live instead of taking that leap to spend some time in another world. 

This unexpected, found moment I had last night in the BJ's parking lot was a good reminder of the power of beautiful words and the fact that I must make time for them in my life. I need to find a book that fits my mindset right now and get back the restoration that reading has always offered me in the past. I think right now reading feels a bit like another obligation. So, maybe it needs to not be a book-group book, or a book I feel I should be reading because of its historical significance or because someone recommended it. Maybe I just need to pick up a book that catches my eye and read. Only for the sake of reading. I haven't done that in a while. 

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