Do What You Can

Today there is nothing specific on my calendar except a meeting tonight with a group of teens to finish some planning for a youth retreat that is happening next week. However, my to do list is very long and I'm running into that strange wall of feeling like I have so many things to get done that I can't think of them all, and worse, I'll never get everything done.  Thus, I'm slowing down instead of moving forward due to my nagging fear about failing to get anything right.

I've made out my list, but some of the things are not specific enough to be helpful,  so even getting the big, desired outcomes shaped into tasks becomes one of the things to do.

It's the process of breaking the elephant into bite-sized pieces and I'm impatient so I want to eat the elephant all at once even know I know I'll get sick. Wait a minute! Who wants to eat an elephant anyway? I get the purpose of that metaphor but sheesh, can I talk about eating a nice big pot of stroganoff or or a giant bowl of strawberries or something? No. Because I would get bored AND sick if I tried to eat that much of anything, be it elephant or otherwise. I have to work within my parameters. I have to see my tasks as even desirable and worthwhile, AND I have multiple projects going on at once, so I can't focus entirely on one pot of stroganoff. I have to rotate around to everything on my plate.

No matter how ungainly the metaphors get, I still have to break the big tasks into little tasks, then the list gets longer and longer and my heart rate goes up. I am going to review two pieces of advice that may help.

The first is to eat a frog every day. Doesn't that sound waaayyy better than an elephant? Ha. It actually comes from a quote attributed to Mark Twain which notes that if you eat a frog every morning, what could possibly be worse that that? So, get your frog out of the way first, then everything else will be easy. Hmm. I get that. I do get stuck on things I dread, and they are usually the mundane, routine kinds of things. Today my frog could be one of several things that I am seeing as complicated, time-consuming or as having a low level of satisfaction. Frogs are smaller than elephants, at least.

The second bit of advice I like is to remember that I can't do everything. I'm not qualified, nor do I have stewardship or control over everything. Some things I have to ignore and move away from thinking about.

Today I have on my mind lots of things over which I actually have no control. I need to rein in that thinking and move on to the things I can do. These may involve some risk-the risk of getting it wrong, the risks of paying the opportunity cost, etc, but at least I will be moving.

That's the key for me. I am ruled by inertia. If I get moving, I'll keep moving. If I get stuck, well, let's just not go there.

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Blessings

My other reason for going to Arizona was to be there for the blessing of my newest nephew and to spend time with my parents and siblings.

It was wonderful. We are seldom all together (the last time all eight of us gathered was in 1994, just before I delivered my daughter.) and it was great to see everyone, to laugh about familiar things and gather around our dear Papa on Father's day. We gave him a version of the photo in the last post and he was so happy.

I had a couple of quiet days with my older brother and his family, then there was the party I wrote about last time, then there was a day at a museum, then an exciting drive through a haboob on the way to Tucson, then dinner,  a gorgeous sunset, and a Sunday of church and a good lunch. It was so much packed into the small amount of time I was there, it seems like a dream. Here are the photos to prove it all really happened. I love being a daughter, a sister and an auntie, and these were moments of joy.

Panning for Gold at the AZ Museum of Natural History

My brother and his darling boy

The last remnants of the haboob. While I was driving,
visibility was reduced to about 30 feet at times. Thrilling!

It would be fun to live in AZ just so I could decorate with
geckos and have it look totally awesome. 

Cute niece at the museum

Aunt T gets on the floor to do the dinosaur puzzle, cuz
she is awesome like that. 

Line-up

Oh, this was almost a smile from this little one. She's just
a doll. 

The boys in front of a scary specimen

There really is nothing like a western sky. 

Setting up to get photos of the sunset

Cousins

Looking at the photos on the DS

Taking a few more

And another

Saguaro with the last of its blossoms

The Wixoms after the baby's blessing

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My Grandma is Ninety!

My paternal Grandma, Joy Bateman Wixom Samson, was born in 1922. When I think about the changes she has witnessed in the world in the time since her birth, I am filled with wonder. She was born on a farm and grew up with few conveniences that were available even in those times. She is the youngest of 10 children and did things like herd sheep and milk cows. Every day. She was a child during the Roaring Twenties, a teen during the Great Depression and a young bride and mother during World War 2.  She took care of a husband sick with the effects of Rheumatic fever for his entire adult life. He had a doctor that thought penicillin was a fad drug and not to be trusted. He eventually died at the very young age of 52 after undergoing a heart transplant in the early years of that procedure. She was by his side the whole time. She then married a wonderful man who became the only grandpas of whom I have real memories. He passed away a few years ago and she is alone now. But not really.

Grandma with her 4 children:
my aunts and my dad

She is a witness of the history of nearly an entire century, and the matriarch of a large and diverse family.

So, we thought we should have a party. And we did. A roomful of her family and friends came from all over the country to be by her side and be so grateful for her life.

It was a hard time for me to be gone, but there is never a really convenient time for worthwhile things, right?  I wanted to put my family first and so I flew to the west.  It was a historic gathering in scope and purpose, so it truly was worthwhile. So many members of our family have not all been in one place for a long time. In my own family of origin, 7 of 8 siblings were there. Naturally, I was taking photos, and it was a joyful thing to see these people to whom I'm connected through this grandma.

3 Generations

Me and Grandma Joy

3 of my 4 brothers and all of my sisters. 

Family relationships can be complicated and fraught with both joy and sorrow, but for this night, we focused on the former in all ways as we came together to honor this woman we love so much.

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Breathing Room

By the time I got on the plane early Thursday morning, I was going on about 4 hours of sleep and carried with me to the airport a nagging feeling that I hadn't done quite enough to get ready for the coming weeks. Fortunately, whenever I get through security and get to the gate, I can usually feel the stress of preparing to travel settle down in my heart and lungs and I can relax during the flight. I decided on an aisle seat so I could get up and stretch my legs and have a little freedom. Just six or seven rows down, an empty aisle seat revealed itself, right next to a cute little boy and his older traveling companion. I introduced myself to the boy, then settled down to knit. I'd gotten a good start on my triangle shawl while waiting at the gate, and I looked forward to making a lot or progress during the flight. I was on my way to Phoenix for a special weekend with family.

My young seat-mate turned out to be bright, engaging and an ongoing source of enjoyment during the flight. I did get tons of knitting done, interspersed with pleasant conversation, and my arrival in the Valley of the Sun found me ready to enjoy the coming weekend.

I landed, got my rental car, then got in touch with my older brother and had some lunch with him and got a tour of his business, which happens to be just a few blocks from the Phoenix airport. He's the owner of a specialized company that tests parts for manufacturers all over the country and it was totally cool to see what he does and hear him explain it to me.

The rest of the day passed in companionable catching up with my sister-in-law and nephew, then a good dinner out that evening. I felt myself ease up more and more as I realized it was the right thing to do--taking this trip, even though the timing was tricky to say the least.

Now I'm back on a plane bound for home a mere 72-ish hours after arriving, and it has been a wonderful trip. My heart is full and overflowing. I even got an email from my young friend from the first flight. My knitting is almost done, I will land at 1 am, then at about 9 am I leave for a week of girls' camp in Pennsylvania, starting right out of the chute tomorrow afternoon with a 10-mile overnight backpacking trip.

The events that brought me out here to this beloved desert place each deserve their own posts, but that will be next week, after I get done with camp, get the photos figured out and have some time to fix all the lovely moments firmly in my memory. Right now I want to stay settled, listen to some music and make sure that I use this bit of breathing room to get my mind ready for all that's in store for me and my family in the coming days.

 

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Star Wars!

Sara was away with friends on a low-key senior trip this week and Evan and I had the place to ourselves. Most of the time he was studying for his finals but they ended Friday (yay! summer is here!) and we got to watch Star Wars movies together. Oh the joy! I have loved the Star Wars movies ever since the first one came out and was such a game-changer for movies in general. I remember babysitting my other siblings when my parents went to see it in 1977 and staying up SO late so I could hear whether or not WE would be able to go see it. Oh I hoped we would. They were a bit worried about the part on Tatooine when the remains of Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru are visible as tortured, burned skeletons, but after a while, they relented and we all went to see it at the drive-in theater down in Elkridge.

While we watched, I made Evan laugh by still being able to quote, pretty near exactly, many of the choicest lines from the first film to be released (Episode IV, A New Hope) and give insight into which scenes were added in the special edition of 1997.  It was some good times with my boy.

It really is true what they say. A thoughtful and complete education really does help a mom to enrich the lives of her children. I may not have a degree, but at least I am aware of the basic fact that Sand People always ride single file, to hide their numbers. Duh! How people get along without understanding that, I'll never know.

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Of Almond Croissants, Mysterious Letters and a Walk Under Blue Skies

Corinne and I went up to Baltimore on Monday (just because) and the skies were so blue it seemed impossible. We wended our way to Fell's Point and ended up parking, with no prior knowledge or planning,  RIGHT in front of the Robert Long House, the oldest residence in Baltimore City, dating back to 1765 . Seriously. It had a plaque and everything. The Preservation Society maintains it and I would like to go back and see it sometime. This is something that actually kind of thrilled both of us in our history-buff, curious-about-everything ways. It would not thrill everyone I know, and that's fine, but I'm so glad we were together to wonder about it and be interested. It also made me happy that she was as tickled as me about the old cobblestone streets and wonderfully ancient vibe of Fell's Point.

We ate delectable Almond Crossants in the al fresco dining area of the Fell's Point location of Bonaparte Bread and the weather was just so beautiful. It was breezy but not too cold and oh, was that pastry wonderful. We talked and laughed and for me, the world felt a little better balanced, because it's been rather a long while since we've spent time together and I always notice that.

There was time for a walk and the wharf on which Bonapart is located also includes the awesome old building that houses the Inn at Henderson's Wharf. It has grand arched windows and shutters and stunning old brickwork and is right on the water. It would be SUCH a fun location for a photo shoot. One side of the building has giant letters situated between all the windows, but from our angle we could not decipher if they spelled out words or what. I've searched and searched and all I can find are photos of a different side of the building, so I'm now on a mission to find out what those letters say.  The building used to be a tobacco warehouse, so I suspect it might have something to do with that.

It was a marvelous little morning out, and I count myself a seriously lucky girl when I think about all the friends I'm blessed to have. Moments like this are like the fresh fruit in the salad of life-bursting with color and sweetness, yet good for you at the same time.

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Book Review: I Capture the Castle

by Dodie Smith (She wrote 101 Dalmations! I didn't know that.)
I listened to the Audio book, which is abridged, sadly.
YA Fiction
You might like this book if you like well-written, clever fiction with interesting female characters or if you enjoy coming-of-age stories.

I feel certain I read this when I was a kid because I feel certain there was a copy of it on the bookshelves in the living room of my house. However, I have no memory of it and so I put this abridged version on for a marathon knitting session the other day. It was delightful.

Fun story, interesting characters, beautiful writing, clever language-this one has the whole package. If you need something to help you remember what it is like to be young and romantic and smarter than most of the rest of the world but yet also unsure about everything, read this book.

It's about a quirky family that have fallen on hard times yet live in a fascinating English castle. It seems like it's between the great wars, so maybe in the 30's?  There are two sisters, the pretty one and the smart one, as it so often happens, but there is more to both of them than that. There are two interesting American men, naturally. There is a gorgeous and warm-hearted stepmother. There is an eccentric and somewhat mysterious father. And a handsome local boy, and a brother.

They all play their parts in a lovely little story of trying to figure things out and I just loved it. It was a perfect little novel for a quiet afternoon.

Now I have to read the book and see what I missed in the abridged version. Also, there is a film version that looks promising-Romola Garai and Bill Nighy and other greats, but it is rated R?! Maybe that's what was abridged out in the audio version. I'm very curious. If you've seen the film, do tell.

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Awesome Times

As it always does, even when I'm busy having existential crises, my life goes on and it is usually pretty fabulous, which makes the existential crises kinda funny when I think about them rationally. Ha! So, here is the REAL story of my life:

Evan of the State Champion Economics Challenge Team: 

This year, Ev's Government teacher got the kids involved in this program and they ended up winning the State Championship (so I'm thinking I went to all that effort to blur those photos for nothing after seeing the school website) and doing really well at the national level. Last week they had a luncheon honoring all the participants in the different enrichment programs offered by this organization and it was quite fun. Especially the actual check for real dollars that was the prize! Go kids!

A Lot of Fun Times with Family

That's a sleeping twin. We thought he was
outside playing with his brothers, then we took
a second look at this pile of blankets and
realized he had come in and fallen asleep
at about 6:30 pm. He slept until 7 the next
morning. 

This picture amazes me with its hilarity.
It was pouring at graduation so this is all we have in the photo department.
My tall nephew is completely hidden by the umbrella and my sister is freezing
in the rain so she looks like a vampire or something. Oh my!

It was wonderful to have my family here with me to celebrate Sara's graduation. My nephews, both little and big,  are so enjoyable to have nearby. We chased fireflies one night and they fell asleep most hilariously and were just the apples of our eyes for a week. With my grown-up nephew, we laughed a lot together and I learned a bit about what would be a lame tweet (what you ate at the Amish market: lame.) He is just a great young man and I'm glad he came out here. 

Everyone traveled a long way and it meant so much to Sara to have them here. I'm grateful for their willingness to support her in such a personal way. 

There have been many more good times, and those posts are coming. 

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Looking for the Profound

My name is Kellie and I am afflicted with the worst kind of perfectionism. It's just my personality, no big deal, just my very fundamental make-up, so it should only take a lobotomy to solve. Sheesh. But that's the thing. I'm ready to move on from this particular life challenge. A lobotomy is not sounding so bad right now. I'm halfway through my life and I'm getting impatient to see some RESULTS for crying out loud. Or figure out how to just be this way and do what I need to do and stop doing the things I want to stop doing. Sometimes, among the folks I know well, I feel so undisciplined, so lame, frankly.  About important things. One could say it's my choice about whether to feel lame or not, and everyone has their challenges and all that, but seeing others succeed at specific things I feel like I'm failing at (or maybe not failing at, but just dog-padding around at) is hard. It's actually really hard. It makes me want to quit trying as simultaneously out of the other side of my brain comes a mental scream of frustration about wanting to change.

But see,  with the desire to change comes the looming problem of that perfectionism.

Because It Is Not the kind that spurs me on to ambition and greatness, no. I have the kind that paralyzes and weighs me down. I see how I want things to be and then see just as clearly the fact that such a scene will never materialize the way I imagine it and so I stay stuck in the moment, staring, and eventually the vision fades from my view and I go back to my book.

All her life has she looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never her mind on where she was. Hmm? What she was doing. She is reckless. 

Holy Cow. I'm quoting Yoda.

There is no try. There is only Do. 

Or Do NOT. 

That's how I feel sometimes. Guess which one I pick too much of the time?

Fortunately there are other sources of answers.

Today as part of my Sabbath worship, I was focusing on and praying about trying to get better at this perfectionism thing, to be able to move smoothly from thinking about a project to planning it to finishing it, instead of just dreaming about it or worse, jumping in half-cocked and recklessly starting without thinking it through, Skywalker-style. Like poor Luke, those seem to be my two settings. Stuck or Careening. Not the two best buttons to have. Smooth Forward Motion sounds better, but I don't seem to have that one on my dashboard.

Because my Heavenly Father loves me, and because I do occasionally remember that Yoda is a muppet,  some real insight came, as it usually does. It came from the mind and heart of a good friend. That was cool. In a very immediate and specific way, which was even cooler. So often prayers are answered through other people. Along with the insight came some peace. Peace that I'm probably only a maniac in my own mind. That if my maniac does show on the outside, apparently I've been blessed with friends who forgive me and love me anyway.  That it actually might take another 45 years, darn it, but that's okay. That my me-ness has its advantages. That at least I understand all the other folks who feel lame, right? Here is your shoulder to cry on, oh lame-feeling friend. I totally get you.

Come and let's put our arms around each other and cry and laugh and then get on with it. The trying. The never giving up. The remembering that an inner Skywalker is not so bad, in her way.

Oh, and reading this. Maybe every 10 minutes or so until it sinks in.

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Book Review: The Night Circus

By Erin Morgenstern
Fiction, Fantasy
You might like this book if you enjoy stories about magic, romance, and mystery. This book has all three.

I started reading this last fall without knowing too much about it, then put it down for other pursuits. This past month, it was chosen for my book group read and so I picked it up and finished it.

It is the story of a game, the players, their pawns and their game board. The game is an old one, but without a clear outcome other than to overcome. The players are old adversaries, one of which has no heart or soul, and the other of which is only a little better. Their pawns are two orphans who must live this game for their entire lives. The game board is the eponymous circus. The pawns in the game must outdo each other in magical prowess within the confines of the circus.

The prose is spare and elegant, almost whispered, and the visual impact of the author's descriptions is powerful. The world of magic created by Miss Morgenstern is Victorian in age and costume, and reminds me a bit of the atmosphere of Stroud's brilliant Bartimaeus books. 

I liked this book for a lovely, imaginative escape from my very non-magical world. It has some interesting themes, including greed, overcoming one's circumstances, and the power of love. The plot is clever and takes some concentration to follow, but that kept me genuinely intrigued until the very end.

I hope to see more of the author's work in the future.

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Night Walk

The other night I took an evening walk. I started out just as dusk was falling and had my first glimpse of this season's fireflies. My walks often take me through the surprisingly deep woods along the paths near my home and the fireflies were like fairies dancing among the grasses in the clearings. It was so beautiful, and a photo could never really capture it, so I just want to remember the lush green, lit up with sparkles of gold and a 3/4 moon so bright it cast shadows on the path as the light faded to velvety black.

I left the forest and took the paths into the neighborhoods to make use of streetlights and porchlights as darkness really settled in. It was completely engrossing to follow this network, so familiar in the daytime, and look for clues to know how to come out of the woods in the right place. I ended up on the familiar street where my friends live and was able to walk home up the 2 miles of main road. I love that these streets where I live have become so familiar that I can walk them in the dark and feel completely at home. It was a perfect oasis of quiet and focus in a busy, frenetic week.

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