Well, Now I Know

September 28, 2013 • aging, eyesight

My eye, as sketched by me.

Thanks Dr. Strong. This explains a lot. All my life, I've had to sort of turn on and turn off my eyes. I never failed an eye screening or struggled in school or to read, because I was really good at making the switch from double to single vision. I do remember that sometimes it was easier to just let everything go double and I would think of it as "turning off my eyes" for a while. I think everyone does this sometimes, but I pretty much had to do it all the time: decide to have single vision. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's really true. Because I adjusted easily and never exhibited any symptom or difficulty that would attract the notice of a teacher or doctor or parent, I was never diagnosed with any eye trouble whatsoever. My actual vision was always good, great in fact. Double vision is different than visual acuity. When I finally did get glasses a few years ago for garden-variety presbyopia (old eyes), things continued pretty much as they always had. Double vision doesn't show up in a regular eye exam, so no eye doctor ever mentioned it. It was such an automatic part of my life that it had become utterly sub-conscious and it never occurred to me to bring it up. Honestly.

Earlier this year, however, I started noticing that I couldn't keep the double vision under control. It was becoming the norm instead of the exception. I could still work to see things singly, but it was increasingly difficult and was causing fatigue, headaches, and sometimes, I actually couldn't refocus. I got a little worried.

I first assumed I'd sabotaged myself with too much work and started using timers to monitor time spent reading, using the computer, or doing handwork. I experimented with new light bulbs and lamps; adjusted screen resolution and brightness. No relief at all, and it was troublingly random. It seemed to have nothing to do with general eye fatigue or how much sleep I was getting. Doing the dishes could bring it on. And I was noticing it while driving.

I then assumed my glasses prescription was wrong or had suddenly changed. I went back to the eye doctor just 5 months after my last visit and he updated my prescription a tiny bit (remember, my corrected vision is awesome-don't worry all you potential photography clients out there!), and sent me on my way, but the double vision persisted. Finally I spoke up. He was immediately concerned and told me that double vision is never normal. (Hello? Why did I never know that? I feel like that should be one of the posters in school rooms, right next to the Eleanor Roosevelt one about feeling inferior. Hey Kids-Double Vision is Not Normal, Even if You Can Turn it On and Off and You Always Pass the Vision Screening!). He referred me to a specialist eye care group, and I went yesterday for a two-hour eye exam that left me utterly exhausted.

Vision is important. You know? It's a big deal. During the exam I got so tired and then really emotional as my eyes responded more and more sluggishly and the doctors did more and more tests and I felt like I was failing them and started to think that maybe I really am losing my sight. It was a strange moment. Finally, in that blaze of unfiltered light as seen through fully dilated pupils, I drove home with a diagnosis.

The good news is that there is nothing medically wrong with me. I have no disease or degenerative condition that's going to rob me of sight in the near future. The interesting news is that my memories are correct and I've had this condition my whole life, but my 47 year-old eyes just can't do the extra work of keeping my eyeballs in sync anymore. I have a strange condition that's fairly common but that I've never heard of called

Convergence Insufficiency.

It's a neuromuscular thing that basically means my eyes don't work together properly because of muscle control. It is rarely diagnosed in a regular eye exam. In fact, kids who have it are most commonly treated for learning disabilities from ADHD to Dyslexia to even more profound problems (that they probably don't actually have) which has it's own sad set of consequences. Fortunately for me, I have a very quick mind and am a very good actress. No, really. It's true. I was never a star student, but I refused to give any teacher a moment's pause (I'm both a second child and an oldest daughter and we just don't make other people WORRY about us, you know?) and lived pretty much on that righthand slope of the bell curve in terms of educational outcomes. I honestly do remember being frustrated often enough and feeling like I had to fake it a fair amount. It's so strange to think that it never once occurred to me to tell anyone about this or ask for help (See the previous parenthetical note.). I just soldiered on and flew under the radar. I feel like a lot of kids do that for a lot of reasons. I know my kids did in various ways. They've all come to me now and told me of frustrations or struggles that I had no idea about because everything seemed fine.

But I digress. I will say though that if your child is struggling to learn in some way and you're just not sure you have your finger on the problem, look into Convergence Insufficiency. I've seen figures indicating that 15% of children have it and don't know.

So, now I have ahead of me about 3-4 months of fairly intense vision therapy. I'll have 1 or 2 weekly in-office sessions of about an hour's length each, and several minutes of daily home exercises. The doctor says that even though my eyes are aging, the therapy is well-tested and effective. My chances are excellent for a complete cure!

If you were keeping track, there really wasn't any bad news. This is not a big deal. It's been a weird and hard few months, and yes, I'm not really seeing these words (yay for above-average touch-typing and word-shape recognition skills!) but as soon as the office of Berger and Taylor opens at 8am, I am making my first appointment for therapy. The thought of seeing clearly again fills me with hope and makes me realize just how heavily this relatively small thing has been sitting on my shoulders. As I mentioned, I felt so fragile and upset yesterday during the exam and I was frustrated with myself for being such a wimp. Finally, finally... the thought coalesced into consciousness that I have been terrified at the prospect of losing my sight. Terrified, friends. I guess that's understandable, but I don't like to complain so I've pushed the fears pretty far down and repeated aloud that others have struggles far more challenging than a little blurry vision. But I was scared. I really was.

Deep Cleansing Breath.

Now I can move forward. It's always so much better to have a problem to solve than a nameless issue to simply worry about.

September 17, 2013 • 2013, autumn, catch-up posts, june 2013, summer 2103

Today is one of those transitional days between summer and autumn that defines the word delightful. The scene around me is colorful with blue skies, golden sun, and green leaves; comfortable with cool air and breezes; and slightly magical with the noticeable change of the angle of light as the earth tilts toward equinox. I'm sitting out on the deck in the early morning sun to write this, and am glad for my woolly slippers and a cup of steeping tea against the welcome chill.

So, against this backdrop of the waning summer, I present what I learned during its beginning days, the month of June:

Sam hates shopping. A lot. Poor him, because I made him get all new clothes. We got it done though and he is now outfitted with a workable wardrobe that will serve for classes, dates, and the occasional formal occasion. Other than those traumatic moments at Kohls, it was so good to have these beginning days at home with him. He did get a job right away, thanks to a good friend who owns a small local business, but it was part time and left us hours to visit, catch up on movies and try and help him ease back into life without a set schedule and the constant feelings of spirituality that accompany missionary service. I really like my kids.

I like taking Wedding Photos for Friends. I happened to chat with a long-time knitting student in class one day and she mentioned her grandson's upcoming wedding, and that they wanted it to be small and not cost a lot. I mentioned that I would be interested in taking the photos and what do you know? I got to do it. What an awesome day. They got married at the courthouse in Annapolis, MD, which downtown maintains a very beautiful historic sensibility. They got ready and had their reception at a historic tavern right next door and everything was just beautiful. I loved being here with them and being able to document their lovely day.

It's good to be flexible. I spent a fair amount of my time and the church's funds to prepare for 4 hours of activities at a youth retreat called Pioneer Trek. It reenacts the 1856 handcart journey of the Mormon Pioneers from Iowa to Utah. The kids dress up and pull actual reproduction handcarts and have a grand time interspersed with some real challenges. On the day when we were supposed to have our 4 hours of workshops, which included cooking fry bread and buffalo meat over coals; making leather bracelets; washing hair; playing pioneer games; and playing with a pet lamb; the schedule was behind, the weather was fitful, and in the end, we needed to get 140 kids through 3 workshops in about 90 minutes instead of 5 workshops in the originally planned 4 hours. Yeah baby! If you have good plans, you can make things work in any situation, and I was proud of how we (my amazing committee and I) were able to retool on the fly and make a good experience for the youth. You can see from the pictures (all courtesy of my genius friend Lancer Seaman) that the kids had fun doing what we were able to do, and the objectives of the workshops were met. I am glad that I could help and I am grateful for the other women and men who supported me and did their jobs with grace and flexibility as well. I loved being at the Trek site and more specifically amongst these amazing young people. They get on board with this stuff that we leaders plan for them, and the results are always magnified far beyond what we are able to originally envision.

And here are a few more pics of Evan's experience on the trek. You can't actually fake smiles like this and having a good time when it comes to teens, so this really was a phenomenal experience for these kids. my chance to play even a small role was most appreciated. (These photos are also from the multi-talented Lancer Seaman.)

And June is remembered. Onto to the rest of the day. Then July awaits.

September 14, 2013 • 2013, june 2013, retro posting, summer 2103

As promised, here is the first installment in my retroactive recount of the last three months of Absolute Crazy:

The Odyssey Known as Summer 2013 got started on a wonderful high note June 4th when Sam got home from his mission to Anaheim, California. He was a hardworking and humble missionary, and I know that he did a lot of good among the fine folks in SoCal. He loved those good people with all his heart, and he loved the other missionaries with whom he served. It had been 2 years since we last saw him, so it was a pretty amazing homecoming. It is a very particular, intense joy that I feel at these times when I've welcomed my boys home from giving everything they have to a cause that is so important to them.

Adding to my joy was the presence of both Jeff and Ashlyn, who came on their dime all the way from Utah to be there for Sam's moment. We also were able to bring my nephew Josh out as well. He and Sam are close in age and are good friends. It was so good to have them all home and have a full house again.

On the day he was coming in, there were the 5 of us at the house plus Eric at work all trying to meet up at Reagan National Airport right in the middle of rush hour. His flight was showing a slightly early arrival, and though we'd left when I wanted to, traffic was even worse than I anticipated. I started to really worry that we would miss Sam's first moments off the plane and was berating myself for not leaving 30 minutes earlier.

Of course that was a useful exercise.

Not.

I settled down and pretended that if our first reunion was at the luggage carousel, that would be okay.

We pressed on with clenched teeth through the heavy city traffic (In Space Balls, Ludicrous Speed is going really fast. Instead, we were at the other end of Ludicrous and going so slow it was painful in the face of what was at stake). When the GPS got us lost at one point, I started to fail in my charade that it was all going to be okay. I really, really, really, REALLY wanted to greet him at the gate. I'm a pretty relaxed mom and pride myself on my independent kids, but this was TWO YEARS for pete's sake. Give me my mommy moment!! As brave and chipper as I was trying to be on the surface, my heart was breaking at the thought of Sam walking out of security and not seeing me there.

But it wasn't looking good.

Eventually, we got parked and did not just run, we sprinted through the airport with everything we had and reached the security gate maybe 90 seconds before we first caught sight of Sam coming around the corner with anther missionary. Talk about the nick of time! I was so relieved. Of course it was a joyful moment with our dear friend Laurrel and her kids there as well. I still well up with happy tears as I think of it.

One unexpected sweetness of that day that I especially want to remember is this: Throughout all of this anxiousness of getting to the airport, my daughter-in-law was a true heroine. (Can I just say that I wish so much that there was a better name for my son's wife? She is just so much more special than the very technical name Daughter-in-law would indicate. Just saying.) During the Horrible Drive, she kept up a constant commentary to convince me that we had plenty of time (she did not let on that his flight was even earlier than I thought), and that I should park and we should all go in together, and in general took over leading the group so I could concentrate and was the key to us staying focused on our goal and RUNNING through that dang airport. My love for her grew in a very special way in those moments. A way that only comes through shared experiences like that. She perfectly complemented my weakness in a key moment and I felt grateful anew that she is part of our family.

Here are some photos (all courtesy of the heroic Ashlyn):