On To the South Island: Wellington to Mt. Sunday-December 13-14, 2014

December 31, 2014 • 2014, Christchurch, kelsnzadventure2014, Mt. Sunday, south island, travel

Several times over the first week of the New Zealand trip, people mentioned how beautiful the South Island was compared to the North Island. "Just wait," they would say, "till you get to the South Island." I was skeptical, because I'd found the North Island wholly enchanting. I suppose some of that was because everything was so gloriously new, and I love newness. I suppose it could be because it was winter at home and not winter here. I got a sunburn in my first few hours off the plane! I visited Hobbiton and saw live volcanoes and some of the newest land and rocks on the planet. What could be better?

December 23, 2014 • 2014, kelsnzadventure2014, North Island, travel, wellington

And now we come to it. Four days of total immersion into the LOTR and Hobbit films. After a long Tuesday of travel that included stopping at Gollum's pool, we arrived in Wellington and checked into the Amora Hotel, near the waterfront. I'm putting all of this part of the trip in one post, so go get a cup of cocoa and put your feet up while you soak it all in. .

December 21, 2014 • 2014, kelsnzadventure2014, movie locations, North Island

In New Zealand time, it's still December 8. In one day, we followed Frodo from his home in Bag End all the way to the entrance to Mordor and Mt. Doom.

December 18, 2014 • 2014, kelsnzadventure2014

On Monday December 8, we started the journey of Sam and Frodo from LOTR and traveled from Hobbiton to the toxic slopes of Mt. Doom. Here's my report of the former.

For the Lord of the Rings films, Hobbiton was built as an extensive set on a picturesque sheep station in Matamata. It was however, just a set made for looking good in the films. Afterward, it was dismantled for the most part. However, then came the fans.

December 13, 2014 • 2014, kelsnzadventure2014, North Island, sunday, travel

Goodness, what a whirlwind. One thing about being on an organized tour is that your time is often not really your own. We did have some free time in Wellington, and that's when I wrote my last post, and tonight we have the evening, but have to get ready for a very early day of travel and activities tomorrow.

December 9, 2014 • friends, kelsnzadventure2014, redcarpettours, travel

Here in the travel world of New Zealand, internet access is doled out 30 minutes at a time. I've been posting photos via my NZ burner sim card, and it has been so much fun to share these adventures with my friends. I love you all! I am journalling and taking notes and writing off line, so it may be that I'll have to catch up retroactively at some point.

November 26, 2014 • 2014, book reviews

Orphan Train by Christina Baker Kline
Young Adult (FYI if you're going to share this with a young person--there is some strong language from Molly. It fits her character, but you may want to discuss it with your friend/student/child in accordance with your values about profanity.)
Story-within-a-story, historical fiction, contemporary
I listened to the Audible audiobook narrated by Jessica Almasy and Suzanne Toren
You might like this book if you are interested in the Orphan Trains that ran from large East Coast cities to the Midwest from the 1850s to the 1920s. You may also be interested if you enjoy stories of overcoming, redemption, the importance of family or are sympathetic to the realities faced by foster children and orphans.

November 16, 2014 • I'm a Mormon, missionary work, social media

There's a song the children sing at church:

I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I know who I am.

I know God's plan.

I'll follow him in Faith.

I believe in the Savior Jesus Christ.

I'll honor his name.

I'll do what is right; I'll follow His Light.

His truth I will proclaim!

I love that it is a series of simple declarations; nothing complicated. It perfectly encapsulates how I feel about my faith.

November 14, 2014 • 2014, catch-up posts, family, tennessee, travel, video production

I had a great week at my sister's house. I meant to post as soon as I got home so I wouldn't get behind YET again, but you know how that goes sometimes. I'm making a stab now at least. I am slow doing a lot of things because I can't do it the way I think I should, but as I get older and ostensibly wiser, I realize that the forward progress is usually the best option of all.

November 4, 2014 • family, tennessee, travel

Even though the last three posts were book reviews, I'm still writing here about everything. Well almost everything. I am trying to catch up on recording books I've read, though. I have a tendency to forget details or even that I've read a book, so it's feeling important to me to make my list more complete. There are so many books that have never made it into this blog and while I'm not going to try and catch up fully, I am going to try and fill in some of the blanks.

November 2, 2014 • 2014, book reviews, happiness, non-fiction

The Happiness Project
Author: Gretchen Rubin
Genres: Non-Fiction, Self-Help, Lifestyle, Happiness Research
I listened to the audiobook read by the author.
You might like this book if you like self-help books, authors on quests, bloggers who write books, or are genuinely interested in the study of happiness and how to have more of it in your life.

November 1, 2014 • 2014, book reviews

Author: Ian Doescher
Genre: Fantasy Reimagined
For: All ages who will take the time to understand Shakespeare-like language.
You might like these books if you loved the original Star Wars trilogy AND love Shakespeare, if you think there is room in this world for The Bard to have a little fun, or if you're just curious.
I listened to the audiobooks, which had a cast of voices playing the different characters.

October 27, 2014 • 2014, book reviews

The Beekeeper's Apprentice, or On the Segregation of the Queen
by Laurie R. King
Audible audiobook read by Jenny Sterlin
Adult, Mystery
You might like this book if you are a fan of the Sherlock Holmes oeuvre, like mysteries, or enjoy stories that provide a new take on a familiar theme. Or if you like stories where a female is a strong lead character.

October 21, 2014 • 2014, eduknit, friends, knitting, personal growth, stitches expos, travel

It's Tuesday again. Time is flying right now, actually flying.

I did go to Hartford, Connecticut and teach at Stitches East during the 2nd week of October. This show marked 9 years since I started teaching at these venues and became a national teacher, not just a local one. I got good evals right from the get-go, so they have hired me back all these years and I appreciate it. I have gained some of the most important friends in my life and have been able to move almost seamlessly from considering myself a stay-at-home mom to now, building a flexible career that will allow me to still be the kind of mom and grandma I want to be. As the kids say, I am #hashtagblessed.

October 7, 2014 • 2014, autumn, thinking out loud, writing

Over at Bollman Bridge a few days ago.

So far, it's been a lovely transition to the Autumnal times of the year. Blue skies, changing leaves, mild-to-chilly temperatures and all that jazz.

October 3, 2014 • 2014, adult, book reviews, fiction, georgette heyer, romance

The Quiet Gentleman by Georgette Heyer
Fiction, Romance, Mystery, Adult
You might like this book if you're a fan of Georgette Heyer, the Regency era, or fun romances that are clean and clever instead of steamy.
I listened to the audiobook from Audible, Read by Cornelius Garrett

September 30, 2014 • balance, choosing optimism, friends, thinking out loud

Yesterday, my sister broke her leg. Again. The same leg as she broke just a little while ago. The femur this time. She uses a wheelchair, which means her legs never bear weight, thus her bones are brittle. No amount of calcium supplements will solve that particular problem. She finds out later today if she needs surgery. She's in a lot of pain and she and her family are facing the possibility of having to cancel a long-planned and very special vacation. It makes me cry to think about it.

September 7, 2014 • 2014, daily photos, family, kids, skies, Utah

It's been a great, intense, interesting, joyful, slightly crazy week. I have lots of words spilling out of my brain, but no time to edit them right now. Thus, I'm going to let the photos do the talking.

Sunrise over the Wasatch Front as seen from Lake Shore, Ut.

One of my favorite views.

Knitting puns are always fun. Found this at a local yarn shop.
The graphic is an industry symbol for a very thin yarn.

Maryland Baltimore Mission Meet-up #1. I've been serving as a local missionary
for about a year and a half and have worked closely with some of the full-time
missionaries who come to my area. Meeting up with them after their missions
and cementing friendships in the real world means a lot to me.

Maryland Baltimore Mission Meetup #2 Same caption as above.

The view from well, pretty much everywhere in Provo.
(Except there are no words in the sky.
I did that.)

What a storm looks like when you live at 4900 feet of elevation,
the sun is setting, you can see for 50 miles and there are mountains in the distance.

A group of the older cousins, plus the very newest cousin.
My kids, granddarling, and my nephew and his wife. We were at the nephew's
wedding open house all together. It was lovely.

The bride and groom.

The late evening was spent, all as a family, helping my son
and his wife move to a new house. I like this goofy pic because
my son is hopping down the stairs to bring in another load, while
my daughter-in-law, visible in the upstairs window, gives her sis
a first tour of the new place.

September 3, 2014 • Evan, friends, grandmothering, Jeff and Ashlyn, Johnathan, kids, Sam, travel

And now it's September.

I'm in Provo, Utah, enjoying views of mountains and the sights and sounds of a 9-month old that I love. I'm watching smart, capable men take care of their loved ones and earn money and start another year of school. I'm marveling that those men are my children. My little ones, all grown up.

My Four Cougars

Let's start on August 6. First, I went to Chicago, then to North Carolina, then on to Utah.

Chicago found me pleasantly consumed by the bustle of teaching at Stitches Midwest for 4 days, then by Sunday evening, reunited with family to celebrate the birthdays of my mother in law and her sister. My kids (except Sara in Brazil) all came to Chicago for the party, so I was with all the boys, Ashlyn and the baby Granddarling. That is called Bliss, in case you are wondering.

My mother-in-law broke her foot the day of the party so she was casted up and a bit off her game for the festivities, but I think it was good for her to see everyone. She stayed with us at my sister-in-law's house for her initial recovery so we actually got more time with her than we might have otherwise, so in the end, it was a good twist.

Now, keep up for this part. We drove home from Chicago on a Wednesday (the 13th). On Friday, Eric and Ev drove to North Carolina to a lovely lake called Norman and a perfect Arts and Crafts style home to visit some friends. On Sunday, I loaded up two more friends and drove down to meet my people and these new friends and stay in this glorious house by a lake. On Monday morning, Eric drove back to Maryland so he could get on a plane that afternoon to fly to EUROPE for work in The Netherlands and a quick visit with my brother in Germany. On Wednesday, Evan, Measu and Carolyn and I drove back to Maryland.

Are you with me? It's now the 20th. But here are some photos of the lovely lake called Norman. In NorCar.

This is not Lake Norman. It's actually a town square in The Netherlands.
The tiny people you see in the middle are Eric, my brother and his family.
Eric texted me from a restaurant there knowing that I keep a link to a webcam
to this town and sure enough, we could see them!

THIS is Lake Norman. Tranquility, thy name is Norman.

This is not Lake Norman. These are Giraffes at a local safari park. They were
awesome.

Evan thought so too.

We loved Lake Norman.

Then on that Friday, Gwen came from California to grace our home with her humor, friendship and wonderful personality. I love it when she stays with us. She's pretty much been adopted. You can read all about that week here.

We're up to the 27th. Time flies when you're having fun, right?

On the 28th I got up at 0-dark-30 and went (by the generosity of Eric) to an airport in Virginia to fly to Utah. Later that morning, Evan got in a plane in Maryland and got to SLC about 2 hours after me. We loaded up our stuff in a tiny rental car with a great sound system and the logical name of Sonic.

That same day, since we flew backwards in time and had the whole day still before us, we saw Ashlyn and baby A for lunch at Stan's Drive In. We checked Ev into his dorm, did some unpacking and made the list for the BIG Target run. Along the way we met up with Johnathan and Kristen, and they came to Target and helped us get the big shopping done. Yay for double-teaming a big list of dorm essentials. Sam came when he was done with his day helping at new student orientation and in a stunning hour of decisions, many texts, frantic driving and good luck, we got pizza for dinner AND Evan got a job for the semester. I know. I live a magical life.

It's not quite the end of August yet, but the days have been packed, so I'll let you rest before I catch you up to now. Plus, the darling A is up from her nap and it's time for me to play.

August 10, 2014 • Barbara Kingsolver, book reviews, climate change

Flight Behavior by Barbara Kingsolver
Fiction, adult
You might like this book if you're a fan of Kingsolver's work, you are interested in stories involving climate change, or stories where women seek to change their lives.

I listened to the audiobook read by the author. Her voice was slow and soothing and her pronunciation was lovely. I saw her at the National Cathedral when she was touring to support this book, and the woman Kingsolver enchanted me. I was moved by her presentation. I appreciated what she said about the creative process and how to make beautiful things.

I give this book 3 stars on goodreads on the strength of Kingsolver's beautiful language and ability to transport me to where the story takes place, but in the end, this story frustrated me.

Unfortunately for me, this book felt a bit like JK Rowling's A Casual Vacancy. The author used her considerable skill and influence to basically just chew us all out about a pet cause. Now, as a writer, she gets to do that, but I don't really enjoy an entire book of being chided about the state of climate change. Especially when it is couched inside kind of a tired old story: the restless homemaker (Dellarobia), smarter and more interesting than everyone around her, but underappreciated and living a life far from her dreams, gets turned on to the larger world by an exotic guy with an accent, then leaves everything behind for bigger and better things.

It's a tempting storyline, because most of us live regular lives and wonder if we are missing out, big time. I've wondered myself. And I love the idea of bigger and better things. I also like the idea of being good stewards over the earth we've been given to care for. But there are better ways to get this message across to me. There are ways to spin a story, even one with moral imperative, that don't involve self-pity, guilt-tripping and regret for the relentless, sometimes boring work of simple family life.

In the course of the story, the author seems to seek to portray the working and farming folks of America as wholly dull, uninformed and unenlightened, and I didn't like that. There was one moment where she was maybe going to acknowledge that Cub's practical knowledge of how to live the life in which he was settled was admirable and allow him to show some quiet intelligence about the problems he would daily encounter, but sigh, no, in the end, Cub was still a lumbering dullard. I wish Cub would have been given just a little more heroic shading for being the guy who shows up and gets the job done. I know, I know. He wasn't Dellarobia's match and could never satisfy her mind, but there are other storylines that could have ended up edifying the entire family instead of tearing it apart.

And so, I've proved that I have my own pet cause. We all do. It's okay. This is my second Kingsolver disappointment but I still adored Animal, Vegetable, Miracle, so I'll keep on working through her catalogue to find the gems that sparkle for me. I know that AVM has some of the same themes and the same moral imperative, so what's the diff? Maybe it's because that book was just Ms. Kingsolver's own experience. It felt authentic to me.

This one felt like an old Harlequin Romance wrapped up in a science textbook and it just didn't work for me.

August 1, 2014 • busy, empty nest, Evan, garden

Is it really August? I'm not ready yet.

I worked a lot in July, and apparently was so busy that I forgot to notice the time passing. The nice thing was that most of it was self-employed tasks that I could do whenever I wanted.

July 28, 2014 • 2014, balance, social media

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I use social media. I've made some changes on Facebook, and so far, I'm pleased with the results.

This isn't a judgement of how you use social media, and I'm not trying to send any hidden messages about individuals and their status with me. This is just what I've been doing and I share it with the sole hope that it might be useful.

July 27, 2014 • 2014, audible, book reviews

Global Mom, by Melissa Dalton-Bradford
Genre: Memoir
Audible Audiobook Narrated by the author
You might like this books if you like books on mothering, travel, life in other countries, or memoirs involving family life.

I listened to the audiobook read by the author.

This was a nice listen to a compelling story that, even though my life is has different challenges from the author's, was relatable to me. It was obvious that she loves words like I do. I don't always get my writing right, but I sure have fun with it, and I felt this author's absolute love of literature and language.

As for her "exciting" life abroad? Every family goes through changes, challenges and heartbreaks, and Mrs. Bradford handles her ups and downs in a down-to-earth yet mindful way. Beyond the layer of what a tourist sees in a foreign land, there is a population of humans living lives that are pretty much like most other human lives. If we haven't lived abroad, I think we tend to infuse life overseas with a movie-like dose of fantasy. The movies don't talk about the confusing grocery shopping, or the exhausted headache that comes at the end of a day of trying to speak a foreign language (I spent one summer in another land, so I know a little). I was glad about her appreciation of the local cultures where she found herself living. I loved that she learned the languages and honored the cultures. I could relate to her passionate mothering and her support of her husband's career. I liked that she found things to do for herself and made a life with personal meaning as she went along, rather than waiting for life to happen in some way. I was sad for her that she experienced depression, loneliness and other hard things. I love that she actively engaged in her surroundings and circumstances. If I'm to be influenced by this book, I would say that I get to do all those things too, and it might be easier for me since I live in the country of my birth. I don't have to copy her life or wish for her life. I can make living in Suburban Washington DC as interesting as I want it to be.

It's brave to write a book, especially one that isn't made up, but instead is basically the opening up of your journal, your memories and your whole self. I put my personal stuff out there all the time on my blog, so I admire this author's willingness to share what she has experienced. I'm disinclined to criticize a memoir as much as I might fiction, because this is simply what is. Yes, she's lived a life that could induce comparison to my more ordinary-seeming life, but the fact is that she did the same everyday stuff that I do. A dirty diaper is a dirty diaper. Same with a struggling teenager or a car that needs repairs. Being in a foreign country doesn't make all that glamorous. In this book, she really just tells about how she made it all work as best she could. Like me.

Part of the story is centered around a deep and painful loss, after which she still had to keep breathing and moving and working. I hope that if I ever got the chance to meet this author, that she would feel that I'm on her side. We should all be on each other's side, regardless of what might seem to separate us.

July 15, 2014 • 2014, byu, Evan, friends, garden, onward

Can't you just about taste them? Yesterday morning, just as the heat of the day was really rising, but before it was unbearable, my friend and I slowly made our way down her stunning rows of berry bushes, picking and talking, and then she gave all that she gathered to me. Together we picked about 6 quarts of this goodness! I cannot wait to eat some with my very own homemade yogurt. Later, I will put some in the freezer, and others will become a summery dessert or muffins or something.

I will smile again as I enjoy the unique almost-sweetness of blueberries and think of this friend. For years, with few easy chances to see each other and about 30 miles between our homes, the warm embers of friendship have quietly glowed, waiting, perhaps, for this very moment. Always there has been joy at our brief, infrequent reunions, always a sincere hug and a few moments spent catching up. As we've put effort into spending time together recently, we've reconnected more deeply and found timely support and company for the kinds of days we are both having. That matters, to have friends who understand.

After berry picking in the sun, I went home to find Evan catching up on the World Cup. He managed to not know who won on Sunday until he had a chance to watch the game. I love that when he wants to, he can shut off the constant stream of information that bombards him. It's hard to be young in this information-saturated world, and I liked that he decided to keep the Sabbath in the way that mattered to him and then enjoy the game on his own terms. In case you're wondering, he was happy for Germany, and proudly wore his German Fußball jersey the rest of the day, but he admires Lionel Messi and wished that talented Argentinian could have had a happier day.

After that, the two of us began our exploration of the BYU website and got him registered for classes and into a dorm room. He wasn't sure he would go out for school this fall, but instead might go straight out on his mission. In the last few days, he decided to change his own stars and go for Provo. To see him moving forward is a big deal, especially under his own power. He feels good about the plan, and has even received what he feels is a strong spiritual confirmation of his decision. As a parent, I would want nothing else for him but feeling certain about his decisions. It makes such a difference when, instead of feeling blind, you feel guided. A life of faith can do that for a kid (or an adult).

So today, I have blueberries to eat, flights and hotel rooms to arrange, and all of that. On top of a full day of work, both professional and personal. It's all good. Moving forward.

July 10, 2014 • 2014, book reviews, fiction, John Green, YA

The Fault In Our Stars by John Green
Young Adult Fiction
I listened to the audiobook narrated by Kate Rudd
You might like this book if you enjoy quirky romances, stories about teens in uncommon situations, or stories that engage the emotions as well as the intellect. You might also be interested if you liked the movie.

Okay, I have to admit that I really only heard about this book when I started hearing about the movie. There, I said it. But now I'm completely won over.

My favorite part about this book was not the story, though the story is lovely and unexpected yet predictable as soon as you understand what and whom it's about but, in spite of that fact, is completely engaging. It's about kids with cancer, but not in a sticky-sweet, rosy glow kind of way. Its about kids with cancer still living real lives and being mad and funny and brave and cowardly and sad and strong and normal, all at the same time.

It was not the characters, though each one was developed really well and I could imagine them walking and talking in the real world. There was grace and romance and care given to portraying how kids in this situation might truly feel, rather than just pasting teen faces on fake adult characters.

No, my favorite thing was the language and the pacing of the writing. Oh my word was this a wonderful book to listen to. I really want to get the book book so I can see the words and the punctuation and get the flow and word choices into my head in another way. I could see and feel the words telling the story while I listened and that hasn't happened for a while.

Yes, I love the way John Green uses his words. The combination of vocabulary, cadence and structure, well, it moves me. I have been struggling to listen to books lately, and I know it matters which books you listen to, but when I got into this one I realized I just need more words in my life. I need to read more, write more and listen more. I listened to this almost in one day because I actually didn't want to stop listening.

I have missed words.

Thank you John Green for your beautiful, sad, happy story that reminded me.

July 6, 2014 • 2014, audible, book reviews, RJ Palacio

Wonder by RJ Palacio
Grades 3-7
I listened to the audiobook narrated by Diana Steele, Nick Podehl, Kate Rudd.
You might like this book if you enjoy stories about underdogs, people who must overcome challenges, or stories about dealing with disabilities.

My in-person, SSBC (Super Secret Book Club) chose this a couple of months ago and I finally just finished it. It's been a busy time for me.
In spite of how long it took me to listen, I loved it. 100%. Beautiful, touching, comfortingly predictable (it's a good story, I only say predictable because I really do want to believe in the core goodness of people), and well-imagined.

August, known as Augie, is a boy who, because of a profound facial deformity, has never been to public school. This story tells about what it was like for him to finally go to middle school and have to live through the daily actions and reactions of those around him. The less-understood things we must face in life tend to bring out either the best or the worst in humanity, and this book covers both scenarios.

I think the author does a great job of creating the world of middle school and especially the thoughts and interactions of the young main characters. It's well-worth your time and probably would be a quick, easy read. It's only an 8-hour audiobook.

Some in my book group were curious about my response because I have a disabled sister. She moves around earth in a wheelchair, and has since she was in her teens. I can't even attempt to say anything from her side of that life, but thinking about things from my side, with memories of watching her all these years, I found the book very touching and I did think of my sis. She is a wonder too. She inspires kindness and inclusion and I admire her greatly, just as you will August and the people closest to him.

July 5, 2014 • aging, choosing optimism, church activities, girls camp, health, weight, young women

Disclaimer: This post will quite possibly read as self-centered and shallow. I know we all have problems, and I'm not writing about big ones here, but they matter to me. Feel free to skip it, but it's what I'm thinking about.

It's inevitable as we age for our appearance to change.

I am mentally aware of this fact. Seeing it unfold before my eyes and become viscerally real is sometimes a challenge.

June 30, 2014 • choosing optimism, family, stress

The situation that prompted my last post (and thank you so much for all the kind words and positive responses) has eased up somewhat. It all had to do with the big Eagle Scout award and the fact that there was no evidence for the kid having completed two required merit badges years ago. I mean like 5 years ago. I am not always so good at those kinds of details and was so helplessly frustrated at this lapse of record-keeping and accuracy in Scouting. It felt like a fail, even though it wasn't really. Regardless, I needed to have a little Go Kellie cheer session in my head.

Fortunately, we actually managed to not panic, to reach out for help from the right places, and through some determined effort combined with some hard work, everything was pieced together. We were up against a wall though, because everything had to be found, recreated, documented and recorded by today since the big 18th birthday is tomorrow and that is the hard deadline. Add to that the fact that the kid left yesterday to go to Utah while I'm away at girls' camp this week. There was much of frenzied emailing and driving to other towns and emergency talking with leaders in a remarkably short amount of time.

Add to that the preparations for both his trip and my trip and the general heightened stress level of the last few months and HOLY COW. No wonder I had so many words spill out of me on Friday.

But I found these at Trader Joes on Saturday and you know what? I think they actually helped. It was either those or the chocolate-covered marshmallows. I'm not quite sure.

And I got to take pictures like this on Friday for a family I love.

And my garden looks like this.

Yes, I'm up late again, still finishing up preparations for camp and some work stuff and trying to get a box ready for my missionary girl. She's doing great, by the way, and we are so happy for her. But she needs some happy music and Clif bars, so I am sending them down.

I just wanted to let people know things are okay. We had a lesson in church today about ministering angels, and I tell you what, we had some tending to us this weekend. So much help came from just the right places and we all survived.

Now I just have to finish this and I can go to bed.

June 27, 2014 • choosing optimism, empty nest, motherhood, remembering, thinking out loud

Tonight, on the very brink of empty-nesting, standing so near the finish line of this stage of my Tour-de Life, there was one of those situations that makes my whole experience as a mother flash before my eyes with a big red Failure stamped over everything. One of those moments that makes my mind literally shout at my heart, "Normal people just don't FUNCTION this way. They do better. Ughhhhhhhhhhh!"

Believe me, It's tempting to let this moment loom so large as to block out a million other moments in my life.

Luckily, as I get older and I see more and more what absolutely marvelous adults you've become, I'm getting better about that. I'm much more willing to feel the above sentiment, then let it go and see what happens. I can see the situation we faced tonight as evidence that my home is what it's supposed to be. A lab for kids to experiment and learn how to be an adult. And guess what? Being an adult is hard. Sometimes you do miss deadlines and lose documentation and yes, sometimes you do not win the prize. So, tonight one of you has been presented with the opportunity, cleverly provided by your imperfect mother, to dig deep, find your motivation and either be strong and solution-oriented, or crumble and fall apart. In the end, I can't really hold you together. You're too big now.

Here's one thing. I'm just not a Tiger Mother. I know that other parents will think I'm lame, but that is okay because I'm only talking about our family's culture and values, not anyone else's. The thing is that I just never cared that much about you all distinguishing yourselves. Unless you really, really wanted to. I gave you opportunities and stood by, ready to be delegated assignments to help you get wherever you wanted to be, but it never occurred to me that I could MAKE you successful in the ways of the modern western world (which frankly, is so weird sometimes). I cared more about you learning to live an everyday life that included the successful cleaning of toilets and doing of laundry and other jobs that have absolutely no recognition attached. I cared a lot about you learning to serve others and being willing to sacrifice your own comfort to help someone else. Sure, I wanted you to love learning and be curious and have a good work ethic and find the fun in developing your talents but not if it was motivated only by grades or prizes or clapping adults. I know that might not have been the right approach all the time, but it's what I felt good about.

I cared about you developing faith in something bigger than yourself and in understanding that life is not for your entertainment, or for your efforts to be noticed. It's for living quietly, diligently, helpfully, and generally beneath the notice of the world. If you look around, that's how most people live. It mattered to me that you feel good about yourselves, but the path I put you on to that feeling was to give you hard things to do and sometimes let you fail. A lot of times, I was failing right along with you.

Right now, one of you is face to face with the faint possibility of a pretty big "fail" in terms of recognition. I'm helping and watching and waiting, but in the end, the final effort will have to come from within. It won't be your win if I'm dragging your unconscious, limp body across the finish line. You can do it, but it will be hard. The biggest lesson to learn will be that even in the unlikely event that the big prize is forfeit, the effort along the way is not. The work is still valuable. Really. As long as a lesson is learned. No, really. That's what childhood is for. Learning stuff you can use when you have to go make a living and be an adult. It's actually not for earning trophies or being patted on the back.

And here's another thing. I was clearly not the perfect mother, as evidenced by the many challenges and difficulties you've had, some of which might have been prevented by actions on my part, but the thing is it's supposed to be that way. It wasn't ever in the plan that you would have a perfect mother. I was learning right along with you. Who says I have to deliver you to adulthood in mint condition, new-in-box, all wrapped up like a present with a bow on top? Nobody. I'm supposed to prepare you, then let you go find out how to live your own life. That life lies beyond the scope of our nuclear family. I never was supposed to be your everything. Whoever put that idea out there to break the hearts of all the mothers who never could be, I hope that misguided, platitudinous liar has learned their lesson and offered a big, cosmic retraction. It's not possible to be anyone's everything all by myself. I was supposed to be a resource. And maybe even make sure you skinned your knees on a regular basis and had some stress and your heart broken once or twice.

And a resource I was. You lived in a home with books and music and trampolines and walks by rivers and game nights and many, many crayons and even more Legos and pet snakes and hamsters and frogs and cats and dogs. There were music lessons and sports and art classes and traveling and snowball fights. You were allowed to pick the flowers in my garden and splash in puddles and put discovered turtles in buckets on the deck. You had to help weed and clean and mow and vacuum and scrub and let your mother take photos of you. But you also watched Star Wars and SpongeBob and went camping and had a tree house and bikes to ride. I sewed shorts and overalls and made Ankylosaurus and princess costumes for you, tested play dough recipes for you, taught you to drive (I could have listed just that one and got my point across, just saying) and waited up for you at night.

Most importantly, you had love. Always love. You knew this little white house with the red door was the home place. The refuge. The middle. You were hugged and kissed and listened to and fed and clothed and sung to before bed. You were taught to pray and do homework and wash the car. You learned how to skip stones and saw the Grand Canyon. You were yelled at, then apologized to and hugged some more. We swam in waves and drove to lots of places and learned together all the best lines from The Emperor's New Groove. We laughed a lot and still do. Humor is one of our best things. I listened to your music and we turned it up loud and sang together in the car. I did cheer for you when you had successes, and I tried to be there when you didn't.

And you, the collective you, are the best testimonial for whatever my seat-of-the-pants, passionate, impulsive, love-driven parenting "style" might be. You are amazing. You embody everything I value most. You work hard and help people and build relationships. You hate to ask us for money even when you are in college and eating ramen. You are grateful for what you have. You have good friends and love to learn new things. You contribute and add value in your own individual spheres. I love to see your deep-down goodness.

Thank you for this ride of my life. This 27 years of stay-at-home mothering. Thank you for not giving up on me and for giving me your love in return. Thank you for wanting to keep in touch from far way and being willing to skype on Sunday nights and for sending me pictures of the baby all the time. Thanks for occasionally asking my advice and taking me rock climbing for working hard in school and for being independent and self-reliant. Thank you for serving missions and accepting callings at church and watching General Conference.

In the big picture, this particular time period will be a very small fraction of the whole of my life. But luckily, I'll be your mom forever. I like the thought of growing older with you, of our relationship deepening into friendship and a new kind of interdependence. I like learning from you and staying on top of what's new in the world. The intense, lab section of our life together is over (well, almost over, sigh), and in some ways that's a huge relief. No more explosions or the crashing glass of a million test tubes shattering when another experiment goes awry. No more fires from the unfortunate combination of the wrong chemicals. But we have our notes. We have the results and the tested hypotheses, and we can go forward, still learning, putting to use all the work we've done so far.

Sure, if I let myself, I can think of about a million things I shoulda-coulda-woulda taught you, but that time is gone. I did teach you all the things I could think of in all the moments since 1987 on my 27-year average of 3 hours of sleep per night and a diet of uneaten sandwich crusts and leftover mac and cheese. The rest of the stuff you need to learn, you are capable of and working on learning for yourselves. That is the best thing I can think of for you.

You wouldn't be here without me, true, but I wouldn't be me without you. Specifically you. I have no idea if we were "meant" to be together, but I like to think we've made the very best we could of the fact that we are together.

Love,
Mom

June 19, 2014 • 2014, book reviews, fantasy, YA

Daughter of Smoke and Bone
by Laini Taylor
I listened to the Audiobook read by Khristine Hvam
YA Fantasy. You might like this book if you like emotion-filled romances and stories about the search for the self.

This was a great listen. Beautiful language delivered by an excellent narrator kept me engaged in this tale of love, mystery, heartbreak and hope.

It tells the story of the girl Karou. She has blue hair and draws monsters. No big deal. That could describe a lot of 17-year old art students in Prague, right? Except Karou's monsters aren't imaginary, they are real and she knows them personally. Her hair isn't dyed, she wished it blue. Ah, a question arises in the reader's mind. Is she a magical being? Is she? Eventually we learn that she spends her life between worlds, feeling faintly like she's supposed to be somewhere else.

As the story unfolds she learns where the somewhere else is and who the main character is in that part of her life, and we realize it's a love story. Or a lust story, but in modern literature, it is largely forgotten that the two are not interchangeable. I'm referring to the part in which a month of hidden, forbidden nightly sex after two prior meetings is the ostensible foundation for a love so strong it will reach across worlds and time and space and all that jazz. As in so many stories, the "connection" is the thing.

It's my pet peeve. As the mother of former and current teenagers who are bombarded almost every minute by the current worldview of sex, I'm sensitive. This author is writing for her audience and according to a nearly universally accepted set of mores, and probably based on her experience. In one exposition, the narrator establishes the fact that the culture in which this first rush of love is happening has few constraints when it comes to sex, which I thought was interesting. The point is that I don't blame the author or think she's awful or that the story should be dismissed. It's just my personal red flag in YA fiction. The telling of the initial romance also has all the beautiful elements of first love: sweetness and wonder and a feeling of belonging, and I get that. I just feel sad that the next step after those sweet, worthwhile feelings is to immediately have sex rather than have real experiences together and grow a real love. It's what I thought while listening and maybe you'll want to know that before you let a child you love read it. But it will give you things to talk about with that child, and since we all have to live in the real world, it's not horrible to have some fantasy to help us cope. I will say that there are no graphic descriptions of sex, and I appreciated that. And there is some regret for a loss of innocence. And in another time and place the tale is told of Karou and her love talking and spending time together. I liked that a lot.

If that ideological bit doesn't bother you, and it very well might not, then just lose yourself and enjoy, because it is a truly poetic narrative of Karou's loneliness, longing and discovery of who she really is and how she got to this moment, and that is a theme worth exploring. I was completely caught up in the author's beautifully imagined settings and characters. I found myself skipping back to listen to passages again because of the gorgeous richness of the words as they came together. Nicely done, Ms. Taylor.

There isn't an ending. You should know that. It's the beginning of a series, but luckily, if you're just getting started, you don't have to wait. There are two other books already published so you can dive right in. I am looking forward to experiencing more of Ms. Taylor's colorful world as brought to life by Ms. Hvam.

June 15, 2014 • 2014, daily photos, June, life, May, photjournaling

Here are some recent photos from my phone, compiled here as journaling.

May 9: Trip to the park with Corinne and the twinks.

May 11, Mother's Day, 2014: hangout with Eric, Evan and I at home, Sister Nuss in Brasil and Jeff, Ashlyn, Baby, Johnathan and Sam in Utah.

At eye therapy. I was trying to get a view of what my eyes were actually doing during the exercise because the tech kept telling me I was doing it wrong, yet I could see what I was supposed to be seeing. Eye therapy is hard sometimes.

Sheely's birthday. For many years, I've been taking her out for a manicure and a refreshing frozen treat.

Someday we won't get to do this, so I want to remember every minute.

May 21: I'm inordinately proud of my baby mantises. This was weeks ago, so they are probably full-grown by now.

May 22: My desk. Too cluttered probably, but comfortingly filled with things I like.

May 22: If you look closely, you can see a baby copperhead hanging out under those leaves. I found him on a bike ride. He's reallypretty, and I'm sure much bigger now. At this point he was about 12 inches long and the diameter of the base of my thumb. One fun memory of this is that it sparked an all-day, on and off text convo with my older brother about what kind of snake and lots of other general wildlife awesomeness.

May 26: Cunningham Falls State Park with Julia. We had a lovely drive up there and a really satisfying hike to the falls. Love spending time with her.

May 29: I did write about graduation and my parents' visit, but here it is in the timeline.

May 31: Tiny tick. I was at a friend's house and their son found this on his leg. We could make out that it was a tick even though it was smaller than the head of a pin, but I was curious and wanted more detail. So, this was taken with my phone and we just zoomed in and cropped till we could see more.

June 3: Last year I noticed that some real strawberries (as opposed to the wild ones that are my garden nemeses) were growing in a spot of ground. I let them be and even built them a bed and now I have a strawberry patch. These were the first gatherings and they were delish with some cottage cheese and golden turbinado sugar.

June 5: This is a photo of a photo that arrived in the mail. Sara got to her mission in Brasil on April 15, but snail mail took nearly 6 weeks to bring the report to us that she arrived alive. Ha. Thank goodness for email. Anyway, it's Sister Nuss, missionary, with President and Sister Fernandes, her leaders while she serves there.

June 6: More of the twinks, with Evan this time. I managed to keep them both alive for a whole day while Corinne rode the coasters at Six Flags with Sheely. We have fun times when we are together. It's perfect because for me, a day with babies is entertainment, unlike it used to be 20 years ago and was my job.

I told them to say cheese and they did!

June 7: Evan's completed (except for about 10 screws missing from one of the tables) eagle project at BBES, where he himself went to elementary school. He did a great job and got this sweet mention in the school newsletter.

June 9: I put some stuff up for giveaway on an email list and this shot of a craft lamp makes it look a bit like a bioluminescent sea creature.

June 9: Another giveaway. I guess my dream of rock stardom is dead. We bought this for Jeff many years ago and while I hope it inspired some dreams, no one ever became proficient.

June 12: I found this of Sara at age 4 months or so and took a phone pic to show Ashlyn. Sara had so much hair.

June 14. Yesterday. I started the day with a session in the temple. It was a good beginning.

June 14: Later on yesterday I could be found outside trying to keep the weeds at bay. I made some progress, but mostly enjoyed the beautiful weather and this view looking up from the ground.

So there you go. My life in images. What are you seeing these days?

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