Aligning

I am enjoying my One Word. It seems to be a good approach for my brain. It has prompted me to delete lots of saved (but as yet unread) emails, links and articles about all kinds of things I might someday want to learn about but apparently don't have time for now. I am, without fear of missing out or regret, saying no to new and improved methods for living life. I have made huge progress on my out-of-control inbox because I'm focusing on what has value to me and what does not. I have been an unsubscribing ninja!

Decluttering, which is always on my mind, has become easier and more directed. Sticking to a routine has felt slightly less claustrophobic.

I know it's only been a few days, but I feel a peaceful space growing in my mind. If the input, opportunities and obligations I experience daily are like a teeming jungle with a constant cacophony of choices competing for my attention from every side, then the mental nudge to Align is like a deserted beach at sunrise. It's quiet and spare, with the calming rhythm of the tide repeating softly. It slows me down and stops me from getting whiplash trying to look at everything at once and never miss out on something (that might be) awesome.

One big thing happening is my complete rethinking of my journey as a photographer. I'm starting from scratch. I'm taking only jobs I really want which means I'm saying no to other jobs. I'm practicing photography again, rather than just producing photographs for clients. It is incredibly scary, but whenever I am more mindful about what I do with my camera, it lands me on that lovely beach in my mind, and the feeling is right.

I think most importantly of all, I'm feeling more gratitude and less longing. I'm lingering in each moment instead of wishing it away. That's a big deal for me. I generally live either in the past  or the future, and neither is actually touchable. Right now is the only tangible thing, and it's good to consciously feel the present sliding though my fingers, sparkling, then let the tide carry it away.

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Another New Yearsy Kind of Post In the Middle of January

 I've been drawn to this quote today: 

If we're free from the burden of trying to be completely original, we can stop trying to make something out of nothing, and we can embrace influence instead of running away from it.

It's from a small, quirky little book called Steal Like an Artist: 10 Things Nobody Told You About Being Creative  by Austin Kleon. I love this book, by the way.

And every time I see those words I feel better somehow. And these: 

The whole idea of creating a life as collaboration that will always involve failure rather than a gut-wrenching, teeth-clenching competition between me and a whole universe full of perfect people feels much better. It reminds me to be humble, and value the good things others do rather than always feeling like I either win or lose based on one tiny glimpse into their life. Instead, I can be enriched, then choose either to be positively influenced by their work or else let it go and realize I actually don't have the same taste or strengths or color sense or parenting style or experiences or resources or whatever.

It also somehow reminds me of this loveliness from the scriptures: 

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

Being me is all I'm ever going to be. I can never be anyone else. But I can learn from anyone else if I'm open to it.  And I can become strong. Which leads me to this:

Oh My Word

So, I didn't realize this was a thing. I got the idea from an online class I took that had 30 people in it. Then I heard about it in from a blogger I'm following. Then I found out that people make jewelry and there are whole websites and books and Pinterest boards about this one word idea. So, right off the bat I'm not in any way original in this, but if feels right, so I'm embracing what I see as a positive influence.

Ta da, I have chosen a word of the year.

Instead of resolutions (nope. not me) or goals (i want everything, and now, so those are also problematic), I picked a word. A word to be a lens through which to view choices that I'll face this year. I am too easily influenced by anything that comes before my eyes, and I want to be reminded to be true to myself. To align myself with what I truly, madly, deeply believe. And if I AM influenced by someone else, it will be mindful, an act of alignment, rather than just being swept away by comparisons.

It feels good, and now that I have some of that jewelry, I have a talisman to slide my fingers over while I slow down, think,  and and try to do better at this one thing.

I like the idea of embracing influence. Instead of running away.

The key to everything, right? Probably not, but already,
 itis sticking in my mind in a most satisfying way. 

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Cold

The cold has narrowed my focus to simply finding heat however I can. Last week's lovely snow melted before the arctic air dipped down too far, leaving nothing behind but hard, icy edges. I feel stiff and slow-moving, dressed as I have been in multiple layers and aching under the perpetual hunch in my shoulders. I need to melt, in more ways than one, and feel warm again.

Today I'm most grateful for sheep, geese and beans. 

(Those stand for wool sweaters, anything filled with down, and all the precious beanbags my friends have given me for warming in the microwave.)

Oh, and the moments when I opened the just-done dishwasher and then later, the oven to retrieve the crumb cake. Mmm. Those were good moments. 

But the Polar Vortex of 2014 has spun back north and I'm glad. 

Evan and I marveled about how tonight, when the air temperature rose to the mid-twenties, it felt mild. Skin and blood grow thick and thin so easily in the changeable winters of this place. 

By the weekend it will be merely chilly and wet, which will feel familiar, though I'm not sure I'll actually feel warmer. At least the poor heat pump will be able to get the house above 59 degrees so I'll have a chance. 

I would feel warmer if my heart weren't just a little broken. A recent death in my family has that extra tinge of tragedy-she was so young, this cousin. Only 25. The age of my children. And gone. It really is like a candle blown out--light, then a wisp of smoke, then, dark.

But I like much better the quote my dear, dear friend shared: 

"Death is not extinguishing the light. It is putting out the lamp because the dawn has come."

(Rabindranath Tagore)

Yes. I like thinking of her falling to sleep here, then waking up to a warming dawn there, feeling perhaps as if the last 25 years have been the dream and now she can move on to the work of eternity.

I have not ever lived in her near orbit, but I have a few sweet memories that I will treasure. And my heart will ache for her closest family. Their loss is keenest and I feel that as sharp as ice in my mother's heart.

The winter here is just a couple of weeks old, so more cold is coming. Next time I'll be ready and keep moving rather than sitting still and letting the chill settle in so deeply.

Something that will help is remembering what matters: it is always a good time to mend a friendship or tell someone you love them. Death will do that if you let it: wake you up to regret and worry and wishes and if you use those three as fuel, they will move you, like an engine, closer to the people that are living.

So I will do something, and the cold will give way.

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An Attempt at a Wrapup of 2013

This  New Year's time is not feeling like a true fresh start. It feels wintry and cold and like it's time to just keep trudging on till spring, right? Consequently, I'm not feeling so much into reviews or resolutions. But I'll try.

2013 was the year of travel, of reunions and hellos as well as goodbyes.

I was together with both parents and all my siblings for the first time in 19 years.

1994

2013

Eric and I were together with all of our children for the first time in 5 years.

2008

2013

Who knows when either of those convergences will happen next? Maybe never for the former, and the latter? Not for at least 3 years.

Those minutes of togetherness were really meaningful to me. I was reminded that a family is a powerful community, capable of overcoming big, big challenges. Being together is good and right and amazing, but the real magic of a family is the way those shared experiences give the people I love the strength to live apart and do important things, all built on the foundation of what happens when we are together.

That living apart bit sure is bittersweet, but it is the way the world is designed. (It helps if I keep repeating that to myself.)

It was the year of becoming a Grandmother, with a joy of such sweet intensity, I hardly have the words to describe it.

It was the year of missionaries. I worked with the ones serving here and grew to love them so deeply. They've become friends, some of them.

I welcomed Sam home from serving in California.

Then sent Sara off to serve...wherever the Lord needs her (Right now that's in New Mexico).

I took more trips in 2013 than I ever have in one year I think:

1. Tennessee in January 
2. AZ/CA in February 
3. Atlanta in April
4. Utah in May
5. AZ/CA/AZ in July
6. PA in July
7. Chicago in August
8. Utah Roadtrip in August
9. Seattle in October
10. Dallas/Hartford in November
11. Utah in December
12. California in December 

Whew. I hope I've got some free flights coming soon. When your family is all far away, travel becomes a way of life, you know?

It was also a year of being reminded that no matter how old I get or how much better I understand the world, I will probably never stop having times when I feel sadness about people I love that is so deep that it seems to come from an ocean, and feels like waves breaking over me again and again, knocking me to my knees and making it hard to breathe.

Blessedly, I was also reminded that there is always the lightness of healing, the lifting of love, and the ability we all have to bear up under the heaviness when we need to.

I do feel a little bit off balance right now. I am a zero-unread inbox kind of girl and since June when the travel really got intense, my inbox has gotten out of control. As in thousands unread. Mostly junk, but still, that stresses me out. I've gained about 12 pounds while working through some hard things and that definitely stresses me out. (Hang on while I get another slice of chocolate orange...)

But I do have some great things starting up. I'm now a partner in a business! Like for reals! I can't wait to see our plans come to fruition. Check us out here. 

So, maybe a fresh, new numeral 4 at the end of the date does signal a good time to try and put the last year to bed, both good and bad, and mindfully create a fresh start. That sounds so cliche, but it jives perfectly with my most treasured values and beliefs. The point of life is to learn. I like something that was shared in an online workshop I took late this year: Replace the word failure with learning.  So there isn't really success or failure, there's success or learning.

So, in 2013, there were fun times, loving times, some successes and a significant catalog of (insert air quotes here) learning experiences.  But it's okay, because I'm a pretty good student.

Here is how I looked at the end of the year (with some of my people, of course). 

4 Generations: baby to her great-grandparents

 And here is how my 2014 started out, so in all the important ways, all is well. When I count my blessings, the people in my life always stand out from all the other stuff and make me smile. When I think about it, I realize that the best kind of person to have nearby is one who makes you forget yourself and just smile. Without self-consciousness or automatically reviewing that day's successes and failures, ahem, learning (I'll get there). I have some very special friends and family of that exact variety and for that I am grateful. They are the ones I'm going to hang out with this year. 

This young friend asked to come over and spend a day with me. Be still my Heart!

So there you go. Onward. 

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Surprise! A Book Review! Skipping Christmas

Not only have I not been reading a huge amount, but I haven't reviewed a book in months and months. But here I am. Drumroll, please...

Skipping Christmas
John Grisham
Adult Fiction
Format: Audio CD
You might like this book if you want a quick holiday read, enjoy modern fables, stories with quick, positive character arcs, or are a fan of Grisham's writing.

These CDs were a really nice gift to us from a family Sam knew on his mission. We visited them the first weekend we were in California this past holiday season and really enjoyed getting to know them. We told them of our plans to drive all over central and southern California during the course of our trip and the next morning Mr. S dropped this off at our hotel. How considerate is that? An audio book about Christmas to listen to while driving hundreds of miles. I was touched. His recommendation was sincere and we plugged it in.

Grisham, as you may know, is a reliably good  storyteller. I've enjoyed plenty of his legal thrillers and was curious about how he would handle Christmas. He actually did a pretty satisfying job. His story about Luther and Nora Krank accurately describes the craziness of a modern, only-tangentially-religious Christmas celebration.  

Luther and Nora are well-off and comfortable in their lives, but Luther is immediately drawn as the Scrooge/Grinch of the story, and he plays his part well. He is disgusted with the cost of Christmas along with all the hassles of their traditional, gaudy, all-out decorations and celebrations. He decides to skip the holiday entirely this year, which means not participating in anything they normally do, including buying a tree from the boy scouts and throwing their annual party.

The plot moves along quickly and the resolution is instructive, making it a true modern fable.The primary lesson learned is about turning from one kind of self-indulgence to another. The message that Christmas actually can't be measured in dollars and other outward quantifiers came across to me. Luther and Nora get it in the end and all is well, topped off with just the right amount of sweet sentimentality. And of course, as just about every proper Christmas story does, this one highlights The fundamental truth of Christ's teachings. No matter how hard the world tries to separate the celebration from the Savior, it always comes back in the end: Love One Another.

And that makes this a most appropriate, if less traditional, addition to my Christmas literature.

Thank you Sanders Family!

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