This body...

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When I turned 50, I felt healthy and generally good. I knew I had some arthritis in a few of my joints, but nothing was causing any real pain--just some stiffness in the morning when I first woke up.  Last year, 51 brought a serious downturn. Ugh. At the end of September, I felt great. I was losing some weight, I'd been successfully doing strength training with my neighbor and seeing some real results, I was able to walk 30,000 steps a day in Europe with two girls at least 10 years younger than me, and I was pretty pleased with myself.

In October, something in my body clicked over. I started having weird lower-back pain on one side, lost flexibility in my hips, and started feeling stiffness in my neck. A normal 3-4 mile run felt harder than it ever has. Getting moving in the morning went from a few stretches to limping while sucking in my breath between my teeth as soon as my body unfurled from sleep and my feet hit the floor. The same strength workout that a month ago had felt challenging yet fun was now causing actual pain in several places.

I went to the doctor. If you want to be dismissed quickly by a doctor, say the words "lower back pain." The orthopedist I went to didn't even let me finish my sentences and tell him all the things I was experiencing. He said it was either an injury and would go away or I needed to strengthen my core and lose weight.

I went to my new primary care doctor and, while she didn't dismiss me and did order x-rays, she said basically the same thing as the ortho guy. The x-rays were inconclusive. Maybe arthritis, but not a lot of evidence of arthritis in the places that hurt—probably just a weak core, too much weight and a lifetime of heavy use of my limbs and back. Ugh. Then, as an afterthought, because of longtime carpal tunnel symptoms, she did ask me to see a neurologist.

Finally, after many months, I was able to get an appointment with the recommended neurologist . I read her reviews and she is beloved for the time she takes with patients. I went today, and though I waited for a really long time, the office staff was really nice, and Dr. G was indeed very caring and thorough. She asked a lot of questions, restated what I told her, had me listen to what she told the scribe and correct if needed,  and made me feel like she really was trying to understand what was going on. The big surprise was that I went in for my hands and left with insight about my back. She tested all my reflexes and when she got to my ankles she tapped, then said, “Ah, you’re having back pain, aren’t you?” I said yes, a little surprised.

So, now, in addition t o being tested for the carpal and cubital tunnel syndrome that I was pretty sure was my main problem, I’m also being tested for Radiculopathy (all I can think of is the spell to get rid of a boggart, if ya know what I mean) which is basically pinched nerves in my back. And I wish there was a spell I could use to laugh it off, because dang it, she was using words like surgery and disc damage and all the other stuff that happens to other 50-something people, but not to ME! Ugh again. Okay, rant over. It’s all good. I can manage the pain without drugs, I can still do all the things I want to do—she confirmed that movement is important and useful, so okay. Deep breath. I won’t abandon my plan to do my major road trip. I just need to do better at listening to my body. And go to the nearest truck stop and get some serious sitting pads and other cool driving swag. (Here’s a funny little thing. My name for the road trip is the Ridiculous Road Trip. No Joke. Apparently I already knew somehow.)

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Anyway, the disc issues are probably in the cervical and/ or lumbar areas of my spine. I have tests scheduled in the coming weeks, then I’ll know more. “Yay! I can finally cross ‘getting an MRI’ off my life list,” said no one, ever.

Okay, let’s take a deep breath here. I’m wordy and emotional, but In spite of my above rant, I’m surprised but not panicked, and mostly just sighing (okay, yes, I’m sighing loudly) at the process of aging. In researching this, it’s probably caused by all the things I’ve built my life around: having babies, carrying babies, running, walking, hiking, lifting heavy objects, bending and stretching to take pictures, sitting at my computer and editing them, etc.. It’s wear and tear, nothing more, nothing less. And yes, I’ve made it to 52 without getting an MRI for anything, so I really can’t complain, and I promise I won’t anymore. I like stuff I own to acquire the patina of a useful life, and this is mine, I suppose. There’s a scripture that talks about wasting and wearing out our lives in the service of God as a good and praiseworthy thing, and thinking of this particular development in that way actually helps. I have tried to use all my resources and do all the things, and if the price for that is an MRI, some pain, a few doctor’s visits, and maybe some surgery, well, lucky me, frankly.

And hey ho, if I get my back figured out, my fingers might not be numb any more, so...bonus!

As one of my major idols, Elizabeth Zimmerman would say, “Onward.”

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