Opening Up

I got so mad at my daughter today of all days. She was still in bed when it was time to go.

After my lovely breakfast, complete with singing and gifts.

I lost my temper completely. It made my heart shrivel up and get hard and cold.

Do you know what I mean? I could actually feel my heart get smaller.

I got to church and felt alone in the crowd. I was annoyed at everything and everyone.

I hate it when I feel that way. This is more than just my church community.

They're my family.

I found a scripture in the Bible about the wrath of fools.

It is heavier than a rock. As heavy as a hard heart. I know that now.

I wrote my girl a note during the service and felt a tiny little softness start.

Then the lessons helped me think about prayer and healing.

I came home and was given the gift of time to rest and think.

I caught up on blogs and wrote thank you notes.

I sent my sisters a mother's day email.

I felt my connections with the world start to reweave themselves.

I listened to my family work together to make dinner.

I got to hear the faraway voice of my son in Chile.

 My dad came over and helped with the dinner.

My friend who is like family came for dinner and we laughed and laughed.

I asked the family for one last gift, something rare and precious. They said yes.

There wasn't a single rolling eye. I was amazed.

You can see it here.

My heart is beating again.

 

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Unplanned Adorableness

We noticed after school the other day that my boys were dressed alike. It was completely unplanned.
Of course I had to get some pictures. 

 In other news, I'm still sick and really tired of being so. It started last week with the virus-fever aches, sore throat, etc., then went to a sinus infection/laryngitis exacerbated by the worst allergies I've ever had in 40 years of living in MD. I feel well enough to do one thing each day, then I turn into a pumpkin and fall asleep on the couch when I should be doing many other things.  The good news is that I can make sounds with my voice and have graduated from frog to what my friend astutely observed is a 1-900 number voice.  Yes, very sexy. So, now you can call me and I won't even charge you any money for making you laugh.  Another advantage is that I can sing bass. No really. I had to today and this same friend was laughing out loud while we tried to sing a camp song together at a planning meeting and I was a full octave below everyone else. It's totally okay because it was pretty funny.  Hopefully on Monday I'll either be feeling better or I'll have enough energy for my one thing to be getting my lovely plants in the ground. I do love my garden.  Here's my clematis vine flower that reminds me of a stargazer lily:

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Another Milestone

Today I'm thinking about how old I am, which is 43. I don't really feel any particular age-it occurs to me that years are very arbitrary and perhaps rather a crude tether for our earthly lives and that we are simultaneously young and old at the same time sometimes.  I think that must be why during some phases, time seems to go so slowly and during others, especially when it comes to my life as a mother, time passes so, so quickly.  Yes, that is such a cliche, especially coming from an older mom. All the young moms read that and think, "She can't possibly remember the relentless, eternal endlessness of kids not sleeping at night, or doing laundry all the time or never having a minute to yourself."  I remember. I really, really do.  But then I blinked, and here I am.

Here I am on the other side of what really does feel like a blink, feeling philosophical about my oldest son's biggest step yet.  It's the one that all the other steps have led to, in a way. It is the step that takes him permanently to his own, new home.  Yes, he is getting married. I'm completely happy about it because it feels right.  Some have already commented that I must be sad to be losing my son. Maybe it is my naivete, but I don't understand those comments.  It is not a loss for me or our family, it is an addition, an abundance, a harvest, a gathering, a glorious new page in our story! It's the goal achieved, isn't it? Didn't we all know from the get-go that our kids don't belong to us-that they are their own? We're the teachers, the caretakers, the ones who show them how to become their own, but we never owned them. Knowing that always made my children feel more precious, not less. I always was odd.

Anyway.

He has found a girl that I don't know yet but in whose eyes I see love and laughter and life. Those are things that my son has, so I'm confident in his confidence in her.  He has chosen to marry young and while still in school, which most people think is crazy, but which are things that I did, so even though I know what they're in for, I'm happy for their crazy bravery because they'll learn that happiness is a choice and there is no such place or time as "easy."  Why not learn together?

So, there you go. A new family. He asked her on a California beach at sunset and they are planning on getting married in August. It feels as miraculous and thrilling to me as the day he was born.

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Milestone

I'm still unable to talk. I can use all my breath and make a sort of croaking sound, but still mostly whispering. The kids are getting a big kick out of the whole thing. They've figured out that they can say things like, "You're dumb, Mom," (get it?) and "The frog has spoken," etc.  It's all good fun. I'm glad that a part of the culture of our family is humor, so I can roll with their teasing for a couple more days. Plus I am feeling better from the sickness part, so it's all good.  I'm back to doing all my normal stuff after completely crashing on Monday and even part of the morning today. I felt much better after finally getting a shower at 12:30 pm.

Which is a good thing because even though I've been asked to not make a huge deal about it, one of my children celebrated her sixteenth birthday today and I needed to be able to do some things. I think she had a really good one. I will have to refer you to previous posts about her because she felt pretty strongly about me not gushing on about her today here in my blog. So I won't.  I'm mostly happy that she's happy. She got flowers and cards cake from friends and ribs and a sundae with a sparkler in it from Famous Dave's and as far as I can tell, that is really all she wanted.  I'm also happy that she's who she is at this milestone age. I feel so privileged to be her mom. She even let me send her off with a hug this morning, which is a rare and precious opportunity for us. So, I'm glad she knows I love her. Even if I am dumb.

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Whispers, Croaks and Baa-aas

I've lost my voice. I've caught a nasty little virus along with two of my kids and my voice was the first thing to go. That would have been sort of okay except that I worked all weekend and I work as a teacher. So, over the course of the weekend I got to shout for hours so that classes could listen to me croak at a low-to-medium volume through my material.  Fortunately, knitters are, by and large, among the nicest people on earth, so everyone was very gracious about it. Plus it was at the MD Sheep and Wool Festival that I was teaching, which is one of my favorite places in the world. I broke my rule for my annual t-shirt. I'm a serious collector, so I couldn't really have a blank spot. (It did feel really weird to spend money on something other than groceries, actually) By the way, these aren't mine, they were on display at the festival. I have way more than this.

But, all things considered, I'm really glad that tonight has finally arrived. It has been an intense couple of weeks with two major teaching gigs in a row along with all the preparation and everything in between. I'm whipped. Tomorrow is a nothing day. I will thrill to my little email from google calendar at 5:19 that says, "You have no events scheduled today."  Hopefully I haven't forgotten anything, which is always a possibility, but I don't think I have.

Now that I'm home trying to rest, my normal speaking voice comes out as a full whisper-no sound at all, and it's always funny when this happens (I get laryngitis fairly regularly) because the kids start whispering back and the house gets very quiet. I can't yell from upstairs that I need someone or something so I have to go to them and they have to come to me. I always find myself wondering why I so quickly go back to yelling for them after my voice is recovered. Maybe this time will be different, but I doubt it. 

So tomorrow I'll rest and drink lots of fluids and check my temperature. The kids are still running at about 99 degrees each, but both of them are begging me to go to school tomorrow. It seems weird, that two teenagers should beg to go to school,  but they have been sick since Saturday and are feeling quite claustrophobic in the house, plus they both have tests and such tomorrow. It's always a hard decision once they get into middle and high school. I on the other hand have also been sick since Saturday but have hardly been home. So, I am looking forward to being in all day, regardless of my temperature. So, don't call me unless you need a good laugh. I won't be able to make myself understood on the phone, but I'll sound hilarious if I make the attempt.

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