A Celebration of Overcoming

My sister Randi is one of my heroes. I've known her since she was born, and almost from that moment I have watched her overcome challenge after challenge that I can't even imagine having to face, mostly having to do with her health. Sometimes I really can't help but wonder why it is that she has had so many mountains to climb while I stroll along in a comparative flower-strewn meadow. But it does no good to wonder. Life is what it is. I have my own path to navigate and she has hers. She would not want me to call attention to her triumphs, but the fact is, they are many.

She gets around in a wheelchair because her legs retired from service when she was a teenager. We still don't really know why (truly-all the doctors on her case at Johns Hopkins University Hospital never did come up with a diagnosis), but it's some sort of neuro-muscular condition that is not treatable. She also has Rheumatoid Arthritis. And some other things.

But, more importantly, she has a life. In her mind, it's just an ordinary life, but with apologies to her sensibilities, I have to say that she can never be called ordinary. It's that degree of difficulty thing. Like divers in the Olympics. Ordinary for her means amazing in my mind. Just imagine for a moment something simple like, let's say, making a box of macaroni and cheese. Except while sitting down. Permanently and with no option to get up. See? Amazing. And yet so normal.

So, from this life of hers, here are a few relevant highlights: She has always been an awesome auntie to all the kids in our family. See? They adore her, even when they're big.

She went to college. First community college, then all the way out to Arizona to live alone and get a teaching degree from Arizona State. Then she got married. Then she had a baby. You might think it's just fine to to sit all through a pregnancy, but it's actually really hard. But then she decided it wasn't that hard and had another baby. Except that time it was TWO. Yes, a woman in a wheelchair with a three-year old, by no planning or intervention, was given TWINS to raise. Look how great they are!

So there you go. Three little boys. Moving around the country with her husband's job. Not really living close to family. More health problems. Callings in church. Job changes. So yes, on the one hand, her life is ordinary in lots of ways. These are things that we all cope with. But for her, literally getting out of bed every day is pretty much a win. She's in pain a lot of the time. She has no use of her legs and her arms don't have 100% of their strength and they don't get stronger with use. Now add in the fact that every member of her little family also has some sort of health issue ranging from ADD to Type 1 Diabetes, and the amazing should start to kick in a bit.

So, to be able to gather with her a couple of weekends ago for a simple family occasion, the birthday party and baptism of those very twins, was just wonderful. It's made me feel such deep gratitude to see the friends she's made and the talents she's magnified. She has created a happy place for herself in her little hometown and I loved watching her move comfortably and confidently among the people who love her and her crazy-fun little troop of small people.

Because I view the world through the lens of my camera, of course there were photos. It was important to me that this moment be captured. This is the last of the baptisms for her children. It's a milestone. Her oldest is almost 12. Things will change lots in the next few years. I really wanted to make a portrait of their family for right now. I'm really happy with what we were able to do in the several, approximately 42 second-long windows of opportunity for photos afforded by the moods and mischief of 3 young boys. We told their story and I'm glad.

So, Hurrah for my sister. One of the best people I know. God bless her and her family.

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Winter Thursday

I woke up late today, but we still managed to get Evan to seminary and I have managed to resist the urge to climb back into bed. It's not very cold out and it's sunny, and I have a date with a friend later today, and those facts have helped me to keep moving and stay productive.

So, here is what I've done since 5:40 am (Yes, that's late. We are all supposed to be up by 5):

• Drove Ev to seminary
• Got the Christmas decorations put away
• Put out the garbage
• Put in a load of laundry plus folded another one
• Cleaned up the kitchen
• Decluttered in my office area
• Wrote two blog posts for my knit blog to be published while I'm out of town this weekend
• Listened to the Book of Mormon audiobook (the actual Book of Mormon, no affiliation to the musical, haha)
• Wrote a letter to my son in California
• Actually mailed said letter (the greater triumph, really)
• Answered some emails
• Fed the animals
• And last but not least, folded the second load of laundry, wrote this blog post and got ready to go run some errands. 

I really want a nap, but if I just keep moving, I'll be fine, right?

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A Sleepless Night

Tonight I had my chance. At about 9 pm I was done for the day. I was falling asleep as I sat on a couch visiting a friend. I came home and got into pajamas and turned off everything, gave a couple last consults on a homework question and let my body relax under the covers. My eyes closed and I felt heaviness settle over my body, but sleep would not come. Always around the holidays I let my schedule track with the young people in my life and stay up late and I can handle it for a while but tonight I really was ready for a full night's sleep.

Yet here I am. Blogging at 3 am (sighing in dejected, limp frustration). My alarm is set to go off in 2 hours to get Evan's lunch and see him off to seminary. At this point, I'm now afraid I'll miss the alarm, so I probably won't try sleep at all. And tomorrow is a FULL day of stuff I have to do. (sighing again)

I'm trying to figure out what's on my mind that won't let my head turn off, so I decided I'll try to write it all out of my system.

• I'm thinking a lot about my missionary son again. He had an unusual week, but it will all work out, I'm sure of it. 
• I have LOTS of normal things to do in the next few days. Some are overdue, some are on time, and for some I'm ahead of the game, but they all need to get out the door, and include: 
• making reservations for my February travel
• finding a hotel for our trip to see my sister
• putting in 2 photo orders
• proofing 2 shoots
• getting discs/uploads to dropbox done for three clients
• putting away the Christmas decoration boxes (the decor is all dismantled, I just have to get everything stored)
• making sure to set the dvr for Downton Abbey, which starts on Sunday (What? That's keeping me awake??? Shhsh. I'm just trying to capture the whole parade of thoughts...)
• Reading my book club books
• Getting back on track with Weight Watchers (I took a break from tracking over the holidays, but it's okay because I MISSED it and can't wait to get started again)
• Getting my from-home kids settled and back to their routines

Hmm, my brain was a little full and the update is that after writing all that stuff down, I was able to go to sleep immediately, I did hear my alarm, got up to see Evan off for the day, then went back to sleep till after 10 am. Not ideal, but I did sleep at last. So, now I have half a day to get a full day's work done but it is all laid out before me and I can get a move on. I'm off to a good start, dressed, with a load of laundry in the washer and my bed made. 

Welcome, 2013! Let's make it a good year. 

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Joy rises in me, like a summer’s morn...

 My title is the second-to-last line of a poem called A Christmas Carol by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. It is about the birth of Christ through the lens of Mary's experience. The mother in the story of Christmas. I had a Mother's day on this Christmas 2012 and wanted to write a few things down to remember.

• Not all my children were home, but I knew that everyone was happy and where they wanted to be. That mattered a lot to me. 
• Through the magic of technology, I was able to talk to and interact with all my kids. That was truly wonderful. 
• Those of us who were here in MD spent time together that felt authentic and meaningful as we went out for dinner on Christmas Eve and helped each other with cooking, cleaning, wrapping and all other preparations. I really felt a sense of unity and sweetness, which I treasure. My kids always jump in and work together nicely when I ask them to, and it warms my heart. 
• I feel so blessed that my kids are good friends. Both to each other and to others. I love watching them with the people outside our family that they love. It makes me happy that our house was for them a launchpad to the larger world, a world that brings them joy. That's part of my job as a mom, to help them want to engage, to feel the world is a good place, and to not fear to leave home. 

• I got to consider the meaning of gifts at Christmas as I came to terms with the fact that my kids in California had no gifts to open from me on The Big Morning. My box was mailed on Dec. 7 but was not there. It was hard to think about them having no tokens of my affection to pass through their hands on such a day as Christmas, but they were quick to reassure me that it was okay. I had some seriously sad moments about it, and was grateful to those who understood and really tried to comfort me. They were all so kind to me in my irrational sadness. Naturally, the gifts arrived just after Christmas and all was well, but I'm glad for the chance to think about all these things we wrap up and send and worry about and what they really mean. (I realized they really do mean love, but there are some other things mixed in that could stand to be evaluated.)

• My daughter asked if we could do a service project together as a family, which request meant so much to me. We were too late to sign up for anything big, but we did put some effort into a couple of small, simple things, and those little moments do stand out and sparkle in my memory. I can hardly express fully why it was so touching to me that she wanted to do that, but it's wrapped up in the fact that she's becoming such a wonderful young woman and this was a sign of what she values. 

In summary, it's been a time of cozy closeness and filled up my senses in a really satisfying way. I love hearing my young ones laughing together as they make cookies and clean up the kitchen and just chat in the family room. It's perfect to me. Since they've been home, we haven't "done" anything. No museum visits, no outings, no super-planned days. Just us. Together at home.

I can't even think of anything better.

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What Can I Tell You?

Three weeks since a post. I am feeling at a dead end as far as what to write on this here blog. I'm in the doldrums between the tropics on the great circumnavigation that is my life. I'm moving, but only very slowly, mostly just keeping from going backward. I'm trying to figure out where the wind will come from. (Now I really want to watch Master and Commander). One friend has structured her blog around the things she wants her children to know before she dies, but doesn't want to wait till she's on her deathbed to tell them. I like that. I like the idea of writing my inner landscape rather than my outward activities. When I thought in those terms on this day, here is what I came up with:

About the tragedy in Connecticut on December 14, 2012:
(On Friday, December 14, 2012, a disturbed individual went into an elementary school in Sandy Point, CT and gunned down some 26 individuals, most of them children. Before this action, also shot his mother.)

It's a sort of left-handed blessing that we in this country are still horrified and shocked by destruction on this level. It means our society really isn't as sideways as we might think. We still share a common and concrete idea of what is right and what is wrong. In other places on the earth, this kind of thing happens and no one notices.

So, I'm somehow grateful this is affecting us deeply, as it should.  However, don't let this shake your faith in humanity or in the system in which we live. People are so diverse and so complicated. This kind of thing has been happening since the beginning of human history. It is difficult to put words around how it makes us feel collectively, and that is appropriate. It's right that our hearts should be breaking and our minds reeling at the reminder that evil exists in the world, but it's not right that we should shake our fists at the heavens or the universe and complain that this should never happen. That wish is neither logical nor possible. Institutional controls over guns or different rules about mental illness wouldn't have entirely prevented it. He would have built a bomb or slit his wrists or used a sledge hammer or something else and the tragedy would have been just as profound, if even just for him and his family.

We signed up for freedom in this life. We knew before we were born that things like this would happen. Actually, if they didn't happen, we'd be the worse for it because we'd lose all the opportunities we have for growth, for deep thinking, for faith, and for meaningful action. We have the choice before us right now to  be positively or negatively affected by this most recent stimulus. Will we change? Will we value our relationships more closely and notice those on the fringes of life and look into their eyes and pray for opportunities to help them? Will we learn more about mental illness and atypical ways of processing and not marginalize those individuals but draw them in if possible (or forgive them for the chaos they bring if not possible)? Will we be able to accept that in a free society, there must be opposition? Will we be willing to sacrifice time and personal desires to strengthen families?  Or will we be horrified for a while, let fearfulness creep into our souls, wish to retreat from society, pull our kids out of school, then eventually go back to whatever it was we were doing before?

What are you stuck on in your horror and grief? If you're worried about the children, don't. They are going to be okay. They will lose none of the blessings that would have been theirs in this life. I honestly believe that. If you're worried about the families left behind, do something. Put more love out into the world. Send them a card. Donate to a fund to help with expenses or to honor the heroes of the day. Love your own family as you should. If you're worried this could happen to you, well, you're right. It could. But instead of being consumed by the fear of that fact,  you can be ready for anything by strengthening your spiritual side, by learning to love better, by learning who God is and what He is really like.

It's all up to us. If we want to truly grieve with the families of Connecticut, including that of the killer, we must look inside ourselves and wonder what we can do differently in our individual lives to learn from this. Looking to the government or society won't effect any lasting response. Only we can change our attitudes, our level of faith, our willingness to work and participate in God's plan for us, and our daily choices. If we don't change in some way, even if it is a small, invisible-to-anyone-else way, this particular opportunity for growth is wasted and all that's left is anger, hate and discord.

Then, evil wins. Don't let it.

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