Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Think Like a Man

You should know that this is not a man-bash. I love men. Some of my favorite people in the world are men. No, if anything, I am in awe of the male psyche and the almost universal ability of the guys of this world to think about only one thing at a time.

Picture the scene: Once upon a time, a hardworking wife (we'll call her Nellie) spent all day doing laundry, with all of it put away except the last load. She then had to go out in the evening, leaving 5 neatly sorted and folded piles of laundry on her bed. Nellie got home late and found that her normally wonderful, caring, intelligent husband (we'll call him Derek) had gone to bed. WITHOUT MOVING THE PILES OF LAUNDRY. No, he slipped right under the covers like some sort of magician and was sleeping soundly. Obviously, the un-put-away laundry and the advent of its falling off the bed into an obliterated mess had not crossed his mind. Obviously, he was blissfully un-worried about the whole situation. He had gotten into bed and...he went to sleep. Simple as that. And Derek lived happily ever after...

Nellie of course, was compelled to put the laundry away and then was left to decide whether to fume silently at Derek, wake him up by screaming realistically that the house was on fire, or just go downstairs and read till 2 am because she would never get to sleep now.

Friends, I know this sounds like a fairy tale (for Derek), but it is a true story and it happens all the time to men all over the world and I want to know the mystical secret that makes this kind of blissful oblivion possible. I want to think like a man. When I decide to go to bed, I want to actually go to bed instead of spending 30 minutes to an hour putting away other people's stuff THEN going to bed. Maybe someday, I could even go to sleep UNDER the laundry. We all need aspirations. When I'm rehashing something I've said, done, or written for the 400th time, I want to stop and be able to operate under the assumption that I'm right and others are misinformed. Even better would be that ultimate man-skill: to not even think about what other people are thinking about me.

It must be possible, and I am on a quest to find out if I can, for once, not ask how everyone liked dinner and instead just be happy that I liked it. Or, if I say something unintentionally dumb, I want to let other people be responsible for their responses instead of me. Or to see if I can call the vet after completely forgetting the dog's appointment without anxiety that someone I don't know and that I PAY for a service might be mad at me for making a normal human mistake.

Sisters, friends, women of the world! Embark with me on this voyage of discovery to get in touch with your inner testosterone and leave all the angst and mental bother of being a woman behind!

THINK LIKE A MAN!


And, in case you've forgotten this one or you just need a good laugh, watch this. Then go build yourself a NOTHING BOX!

13 comments:

  1. SO FUNNY, Nellie--oops, I mean, Kellie! If I had a nickel for every time I've gone to bed to be greeted by a hamper of clean clothes precariously perched on my side of the bed with Michael sleeping deeply under the covers on his side. Grr....

    To think like a man--what an idea! Sometimes we have this conversation in these parts, "I didn't ask myself what I could do to make your life harder, Mendy. I didn't do it on purpose." And I respond, "But you didn't ask yourself what you could do to make my life easier!"--which, of course, describes most of my actions each day (making others' lives easier for them). Ahhh.

    Thank goodness they also have wonderful characteristics, even if these men of ours think like men!

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  2. Towanda!!!! We can do it. I'm not sure if it's genetic or just part of being a woman,but I have that same internal battle every night. I LITERALY go over in my head EVERY SINGLE interaction I had and what I said or did wrong and who I would need to fix things with the next day. And like Derek I know someone, let's call him Trim, who can also slip into oblivion at the drop of a hat. If only. Thanks for the post!

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  3. HA!

    That is pretty awesome. I'd have to say "Snake" is pretty much like "Derek" but "Sami" is not quite as patient as "Nellie." There might have been some screaming, or at least some stacking of laundry on top of his head.

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  4. Ha! That clip was great! I want a nothing box!:) That laundry story made me laugh so hard!! I'm right there with "Sami" I think I would have piled a few stacks on "Hadrian's" head!:)

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  5. Oh, thank you.

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  6. Oh yes yes yes. What is it with laundry and the bed?? Not to mention the "going to bed" part. It takes me a half hour minimum to go to bed, whereas my sweet hubby simply gets in bed and goes to sleep. A mystery I still can't figure out!

    I hope it was a good book...

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  7. I would leave a comment, but I am off to build my nothing box. Thanks for the blue print. Love ya.

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  8. I know a guy named Trent who frequently does this very same thing. My sister and I actually vent these actions by emailing each other when these things happen, the title is always "HOW COME...." The contents very, but always the same idea... how does their mind work and why can't I do that?!?! SO good to know that there are so many men like Trent in the world... makes me happy to know actually.

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  9. Woah Nellie, you are truly awesome! I cracked up through your whole post-- especially the 'going to bed' routine. I have to walk through every room (of our teeny home, so it's a short walk, of course) to make sure that things are in order before I could even think of climbing under the sheets (or laundry!)

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  10. ha! you can tell nellie this has happened at our house, too. it astounds me that someone could just LEAVE the laundry there, sleep under it, without a care in the world! actually, you can tell nellie i understand all the feelings expressed in this post. what WOULD it be like to think like a man?

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  11. The trouble is if us women consistantly thought like men, the world would fall apart

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  12. Thank you, thank you for that story! I laughed and laughed. Maybe because I am dealing with an overactive sense of worry and guilt about how my actions affect others, along with the guilt and worry of how my husband is upsetting and affecting others. There are days I wish I could think more like a man, but I think I would be a HORRIBLE mother if I did. . .

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  13. I loved this! You're a nice wife. I wake Chris up and complain about the clothes on the bed and also that he didn't pull the blankets down for me, "Didn't you want me to come to bed?!" I know, so pleasant.
    I have never seen that video before. It was so funny. I tried to show it to Chris, but no kidding, he was in his nothing box and wasn't paying attention. I laughed and loved it. Thanks for cheering me up at midnight!

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Thank you for sharing your insights!