Musings on This All Hallow's Eve

The kind of debris from Superstorm Sandy
found in our neighborhood: sticks and leaves. 

Evan is out Halloweening with friends, Eric is at the temple, and I am here, slowly putting things back together after we hooked our house up to the generator for our 40 hours off the grid. Every 20 minutes or so a few kids will stop by trick-or-treating. I must confess I've sampled the Reese's pumpkins and the Candy Apple Milky Way bars. Mmm. That's what weekly points are for.

Our power came back on today around 10:30 am and since I had lunch with a friend and ran some errands, I'm just now getting the last of the cords coiled up and stowed and plugging everything back in where it belongs. Eric had little choice when he went generator-shopping on Friday before the storm so we ended up with a rather large one and were able to power many things. It was lovely to not have to worry about food in the fridges. It's also amazing what a difference just a single lamp can make when it is cold and dark. For all the damage in other areas, once again we fared very well and have nothing but gratitude for the ease of our passage through the storm. Our hearts ache for those who experienced the full force of the storm.

A few things of things of note I want to remember about this time:

• Yesterday we had dinner with friends who invited us to warmth and laughter and cooked food. :o) We were welcomed with such easiness and love. What a pleasure to spend time with them and watch Evan be the big brother and have wonderful conversations about ordinary things. Our house was still cold (the generator can't handle the furnace) and it was seriously a beautiful thing to contrast that cold with the coziness of their home. 
• Today was a visiting teaching appointment with my dear friend but my companion couldn't come so instead of a regular appointment, I picked up Chinese food and went over for a nice, long chat. Ahh. So peaceful. She welcomed me to her home with these inspired words: "This is a stress-free zone." When she said that, I realized how tightly I was wound due to worrying about the storm and everything else. It was so helpful to have the spirit in her home literally stop me in my tracks and get me to welcome the day and enjoy the moment. What a needful lesson!
• Tonight I got to stop by and see my pal who just had twins and Holy Cow are those little twinkies still tiny and adorable! Her house is another place that feels warm and welcoming to me. Her sister and mom were also there to help and she let us grab pizza from the box and homemade cookies and things like that. Such wonderful comfort and normal times makes me happy. I don't like to be fussed over, I'd rather come in and just be one of the crowd and at her house it feels that way. Like I belong. What a powerful feeling. 

All of these things are particularly meaningful to me right now because I'm having a little pity-party for myself. Another brother is moving to Arizona (I'm truly NOT sad about that-I'm excited for his new job and the attendant opportunities and I really am happy they will be near the parents and brothers and sisters.) However, in my pathetic selfishness, I do feel isolated way out here knowing that so many of my family will be all in one state. Granted, its a state the size of the entire Mid-Atlantic region, but all but 3 of the 8 will be within a few hour's drive of each other. None of them have reason or means to come all the way out here for visits. It's a little depressing now that my kids are also all so far away. SO, the short story is that being with people out here that I adore makes a huge difference. HUGE.  It really does. It softens the edges of that big empty space in my head and heart and gives Evan (and me) opportunities to feel like one of a crowd again.

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Hurricane Sandy

After days of watching her inexorable progress north from the tropics on the news, Sandy turned left and inched toward us all day yesterday, finally making landfall last evening. As usual, we've been spared the worst due to our location inland and on high ground. So, no flooding, winds topped out at maybe 50 mph, and we are fine.

Our power is out again, but we do own a generator. It stopped working last night in the worst of the storm, but I'm confident Eric will have it up and running again here soon. While it was working last night, life was nearly normal except for the cold creeping in.

Now the wind is quiet, the rain has slowed to a steady drum and I hear birds singing their morning songs. Quite a change from yesterday. I imagine most of our time today will be spent waiting and watching and trying to be of help to others who are in worse straits than us.

My thoughts go out to those who are truly suffering.

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Sine Nomine

Here is a desultory list of thoughts. I just feel like writing.

• The trees are GORGEOUS right now. I am loving driving around under the golden light of the changing leaves. The equinox has shifted the angle of the sun, so everything has taken on that certain Autumn patina. 
• Related to all that driving, I am so tickled with my little convertible! On any day where the skies are not falling and the temperature is above 50 degrees, I can hardly stand to drive without the top down. It's like the whipping wind blows all the cobwebs right out of my head, and I just feel happy and light zooming to and fro with nothing but air all around me. 
• I'm also pleased with my newly short hair and the discovery of headwraps and hairbands to keep me looking pulled together, even with all that whipping wind. 
• I have been reading a lot. With Evan in driver's ed right now, my days alone have stretched out to nearly 6pm and reading is capturing my fancy at the moment. I have no shortage of other options to fill my solitary daylight hours, but it has been a pleasure to just sit and read. I have no pressing knitting deadlines, so I've gone back to opening books and turning pages instead of always choosing the audio option. Lovely. 
• A friend met on the internet has moved into the area, and I've so enjoyed getting to know her better in person. We went to see Lois Lowry at one of the great independent bookshops of the world, Politics and Prose and it was a special evening for me. It definitely played a part in getting back to the habit of quiet afternoon reading. Thanks Lucia!

I have no conclusion or unifying idea to share, I just needed to get some thoughts down in words. It's a good, fresh time in my life and I want to record all the stages of getting from here to the next part, whatever that may be. 

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Book Review: Sense and Sensibility, Graphic Novel version

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
Adapted by Nancy Butler and Sonny Liew
Genre: Adult Romance
You might like this book if you love Jane and want a whole new way to experience her work-in words AND pictures!

I picked this up out of utter curiosity at the library one day, and it was a delightful way to experience one of my favorite author's work. I liked how the illustrations enhanced the dialogue and really did make the story come alive.

This classic is the story of two sisters, one expert at self-control and fortitude, one lost in her passions and emotions. The path they take to find love is circuitous and filled with satire on the English system of inheritances, the place of women and the power men had over their lives. In the end though, it is about character and uprightness and how those really do matter more than money or titles or anything. It's lovely.

Even if you've read the text-only version and seen all the movies, give this a try.

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Book Review: Liar & Spy by Rebecca Stead

Liar & Spy by Rebecca Stead
Genre: Fiction, Middle Grades
You might like this book if you liked When You Reach Me, or you like stories that have a kind of moody unrest about them and are slightly mysterious and atmospheric.

I loved Rebecca Stead's second novel, When You Reach Me, so I got this from the library as soon as I heard about it. I got to see her speak at the National Book Festival a couple of years ago and enjoyed that as well. She really has a gift for language that is perfect for her intended audience, but does not insult the intelligence of children by being too simplistic or patronizing.

This book is the story of a boy in Brooklyn who has to move out of his house to an apartment and is worried about his parents. His dad has lost his job and his mom has to work crazy hours as a nurse to make up for it.

There's a boy his age in the new apartment building, which is good because his best friend at school has deserted to the cool kids. This boy is a bit unusual though, and eventually becomes harder and harder to figure out.

In the end, I was completely surprised by how the author twisted the plot and wrapped things up. It was a great ending and VERY satisfying for me. Check this title out if you want a richly rewarding yet not too taxing read for an autumn afternoon.

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Weight Watchers Update

Yesterday I went to my third Weight Watcher's meeting. It was on a different day, so there was a different leader. I will be back to this meeting. M was stupendously motivating, smart and fun. Her approach resonated with me more than the other gal, nice as she was. So, that was neat to find out--the leader matters. In spite of it being that time of the month and me being at a conference last weekend with plate after plate of gorgeous catered food, I still lost a little weight. I'm going to keep my progress on the down-low till I feel like it's becoming visible, but today, when I realized that my efforts, imperfect as they were, were paying off and I'd officially lost a bit more, I was surprised to find myself emotional. I actually cried a couple of joyful little tears. Strange, what our weight and body image mean to us. This body is merely the box I live in, but it's nice to live in a decent, well-cared for box I suppose.

I'm realizing that on some days I actually don't eat enough because of my anxiety. It's the same proces that stops me from breathing sometimes too. I'm just thinking too hard about stuff and I don't realize I'm hungry. So, it's been helpful to have a flexible target and a checklist of the things I should concentrate on first. Once I have those things taken care of, it's pretty simple to count points. I really like the program. If it turns out that I can stay on this path and be successful, I think WW would be a great place to take on some part-time work someday, so that is helping to motivate me as well. It's just another form of teaching, and I know I'm good at that.

I'm starting to recognize a particular feeling of being in control and strong when it comes to food and exercise, and it's a really good feeling.

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Book Review: The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling

Yes, I am one of those. Without reading any of the reviews, I went and bought The Casual Vacancy on the first day it was out, from the giant stack at my local warehouse store. I love Rowling's writing in the Potter series. I was excited to see what she could do in another genre.

Here is what happened:

I was able to articulate that what I loved most about the Potter books is that she made a magical world seem completely reasonable and plausible. As my friend Janis pointed out, she wrote about Potter's England as realism, not fantasy.

I was also able to articulate that when writing about real life, as she does in this new offering, Ms. Rowling is equally capable at painting pictures with words that are completely transporting. I could see the prettiness of Pagford so perfectly, I'd nearly be able to get around if I were to find myself in that imaginary town.

I could also see the ugliness of the underside of life in Pagford with equal clarity. She pulls no punches to tell her story and, one can assume, attempt to wake the reader up to the plight of the carelessly discarded and ignored people in this crazy world. Though I don't mind sadness and realism in my reading, this was REALLY real (Lots of profanity, pain, abuse, mental illness, sex and drugs). And, as you might gather,  there is no magic to save anyone. Just screwed up, mean, abusive, sad, misguided, fearful, dishonest and selfish people on every page. Heavy stuff.

In the first third of the book it was nearly unbearable and I almost gave up, but I learned to just skip some parts. It was that bad for me. Yes, you can call me naive and weak-stomached. It's really more that I'm deeply affected by sadness and it will seep into my mind and keep me up at night. I know life actually is as depraved as she reports (this book sort of felt more like a documentary than a novel) for a lot of people. And I know we should see the worth of every soul we meet. That is important, but the way she presented it in this novel was neither motivating nor edifying for me. The depressing bit is the taste that got left in my mouth.

In the end, the plot pulled me in and I did want to find out what happens to everyone, but it was so very, very sad. I think it was meant to be, because I've decided it's really a fable. Or an indictment. She wants to remind the reader in no uncertain terms: There are a lot of people who don't get what they need in this world and we the people with resources and blessed lives  should care more and do all we can to help.  That is true. Did I need a gritty novel to remind me of that? Not really. Not when I use my precious reading time to help me balance out and cope with the very real world in which I live.

As I think about my strongest impressions, I'm left pretty empty because of the haunting message that I gathered from the climax and denouement that revenge and come-uppence happen more often than forgiveness and healing. There was little of either in this story, just a very fable-like list of he-or-she-got-what-she-deserved-because-they-are-bad. Realistic? Probably. Hopeful? Not so much.

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Book Review: Their Eyes Were Watching God

Their Eyes Were Watching God, by Zora Neale Hurston
Genre: Adult Fiction
You might like this book if you are interested in post-civil war African-American culture in the American south.
I love this book. I love the vernacular language, spelled out phonetically so that you have to read it aloud so it makes sense. I love the powerful story of a woman in a difficult time in history trying to come to terms with herself and the expectations placed upon her by both family and friends. It's visceral and happy and sad and thought-provoking. A classic.

This time I listened to actress Ruby Dee read the book aloud and it completely transformed the story for me. It came alive in a way that it never has before for me, in spite of how much I've enjoyed it the couple of other times I've read it.

This is an important book for anyone to read and ponder.

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A Short Course in Miracles

Miracles.

What does that word mean to you? To me it is a need met in a way not even on my mind, even as a remote possibility, the very moment before it happens. By this definition, a miracle happened to me this week and I am overwhelmed with gratitude. It's so strange how it all came about, but yet it also has a kind of logical symmetry to it. It really is kind of a big circle.

Miracles are like that.

Maybe I fill a need for someone else. Perhaps miraculously, at least from their perspective...

Then YEARS later, something unexpected comes to me.

Something no one knew I really, really need. And worry about.

Except of course, my Heavenly Father.

Why do I ever doubt?

It always happens this way. Every time.

As I think about the many little things that are bugging me today, and there are a surprising number for such a young week, I feel ashamed at my lack of faith. My quickness to compare my situation to that of others. My smallness of vision.

Fortunately, as I write this, I can feel my spine soften and my heart come forward and swell from its tiny, shriveled, fearful state. My breaths slow and deepen. Peace descends. Love whispers in my ear.

It's as if I'm suddenly looking at my life from an orbiting spacecraft. Everything is laid out and beautiful and makes an amazing, organic, imperfect landscape; harmonized together as if by design.

Well, duh.

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Embracing the Plan

Today I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. It was a small group of people made up of mostly women (there was only one man), and they were all very nice. It was run by a lovely woman named Debi with blonde hair and pink toenails (yes, you are picturing her correctly) who has successfully been through the program and kept her weight off.  I felt fine as I listened to the challenge to track my eating and the tips for how to pack the most satisfaction into my allotted points (my childhood favorite bologna sandwich on white bread with cheese and mayo apparently won't do it). I didn't feel weird or out of place-it was just a meeting. It was also nothing new or revolutionary. Same concepts as ever: Move more. Eat less. Lose weight. Nope, the physics haven't changed. Clearly however, I'm not able to work that simple formula on my own so I've decided to, as my friend J (who has thus far lost 27 pounds on the WW plan since spring) says,
embrace the program. 

She says the meetings help.

And so does getting enough protein.

And so does believing that they can actually help me do the thing I've been unable to do for 20 years.

That's the kicker. It's too easy for me to say that I know this stuff. Well, as I tell my kids, knowing means doing. Quite obviously, I don't know it as well as I say I do because I've had little of relevant experience to prove that my so-called knowledge is actually viable. I can't claim to know until I do.

So it's time to put my money where my mouth is.

Literally.

I'm going in all the way. I'll probably start using lingo and put up a poster or two of Jennifer Hudson. Bear with me. I need to be converted for this to work. If the act of measuring out exactly 21 grams of chocolate chips and sucking on them one at a time throughout the day is any indication, I might be on my way.  That's a tablespoon and a half worth of chocolate, BTW, and still counts 3 points against my daily 26. My goal is to get down to 14 grams in a day for 2 points. This part matters because chocolate chips are kind of my kryptonite, oh those crazy little brown temptresses.

I'm telling this story because I need outside accountability. It will help me more to know that I am reporting to sympathetic friends and that I can write about both my successes and my failures in such a way that will be useful and part of the learning process. I've been writing about it on my private blog for a while now and referring to my weight on this blog for YEARS and it's all coming dangerously close to whining, so it's time to come over here, be OUT with it and put a positive spin on it.

So there you go. My big news. Thanks for reading. I have to go 'cuz it's time for another chocolate chip.

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