Unexpected Journaling

I'm a complex combination of packrat and not-a-packrat. I hate clutter and love shelves and organizational systems. If everything has a place to go when it is not in use, then I'm happy, even if there's a lot of it and it is not always in it's place. On the other hand, I've grown ever fonder of the idea of a small house with very little stuff in it. Back to the first hand, I habitually save stuff. Doesn't make much sense, I know.
I'm good at purging stuff that has outlived its usefulness, like clothes and shoes and out of date decor, etc, but memorabilia, specifically anything that has a connection to a certain moment or a relationship, is really difficult for me to give up.
This morning, I had some time and got to work on my routine email purge. I save a lot of it because I have a computer with a huge hard drive and it doesn't really take up that much space. It just looks scary to have a 4 digit number of messages hanging around. As I filtered out the true junk mail and then got down to the personal emails from human beings I actually know, an interesting pattern emerged. It was a kind of journal. Each message brought back a particular memory, surprised me by causing me to realize how short my memory is (I thought that happened in 06, not 05...) and formed a sort of narrative of my life. I think what I am going to do now is, when I sort and file my emails, I'm going to have a folder for "journal" emails that pinpoint a place in time or offer insight into an event or emotion. My story is not big or exciting or made up of dramatic events, it is a million little things. Here is one more way to record some of them.

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Good Feeling

Among the several charity organizations for which I knit and donate, Afghans for Afghans is one of the ones I have very warm feelings for. They are a wonderful group of committed, caring people who have figured out a totally non-partisan, peaceful way to make a difference in the face of war. They have rallied knitters and crocheters all over the US and Canada to make wool blankets, hats, mittens, sweaters and other items for the people of Afghanistan. I know there are lots of needy people right here in the US, and I know that it might seem like a small knitted item from a stranger far away would not make much of a difference, but my heart tells me differently. I just feel good about helping the people of this particular country. They've been at war for so long, and I have been aware of their struggles in a major way ever since I was about 14. The mission of A4A goes along with my attitude toward the current political climate in the US. Frankly I'm tired of it, and my motto is "Shut up and do something." I can't stop the wars, I can't totally understand the reasons behind them, I can't always know what's really true, and I can't stop the media from making everything so scary. But I can send a pair of socks to a lady in San Francisco who will put it on a plane to Afghanistan. And some little kid might have warm feet this winter. Maybe that kid will get a good feeling and pay it forward someday. And on and on. Maybe.
Over the past couple of years, I have tried to knit something for them every year. This year it was socks and hats. Here is a slide show of the kids receiving the socks that were sent over in the spring. In the very last picture, the pair of socks 2nd from the left on the front row is a pair I sent! Now I can put that little face with my socks and think of that boy or girl wearing them. I think she's a girl, but most of them seem to have their heads covered, so I'm not sure. This just makes my day. I share this not in the spirit of self-aggrandizement, but in the spirit of the pride I feel for the good people who do this, the love I've developed for the people of this nation, and the little light of hope that it plants in me to have this tenuous but now tangible thread of connection between me and a child so far away.

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Comfort and Joy

It's Christmas morning and everything is pretty cozy here. After a wonderfully spiritual yet fun-filled Christmas Eve, which is where we really focus on the religious significance of this holiday, Santa made his rounds and everyone seems happy. Our gifts get simpler and simpler each year, as the kids mature and start to understand the difference between needs and wants and also to understand how blessed they already are. There was also more spontaneous giving between the siblings, which was heart-warming to see. A breakfast of Eric's waffles rounded out the traditional part of the day nicely. For us, the tradition of Christmas day is that there are no traditions. Usually it is the deep breath after all the preparations-we tend to stay in jammies, nap, read new books and watch new DVDs until we feel like doing something in the afternoon, like a walk outside, a trip back to my mom's or a movie. My son Jeff, who is serving a mission for our church in Panama, will call this afternoon, and that will be a highlight. We may have some webcam chats with friends and family, and that will also be lovely. I am overwhelmed by the love and generosity that I and my family have been the beneficiaries of this holiday season. I'm so thankful for this time of year when, regardless of beliefs, everyone seems to be looking for the light and opening their hearts just a little more.

Here are some highlights from last night at my Mom's:

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Help to Make the Season Bright

WARNING: This post contains candid scenes from inside my head. I'm not as crazy as House, but...Viewer discretion is advised.



My nemesis is sneaking up and lurking in the corner again--D. E. Pression is hanging around and just will not go away. I feel like I'm being stalked and I've watched enough Law and Order to know that I don't have to be a victim of stalking. Someone tall and handsome and a just little surly will come to my rescue, right?


I've been holding the creep off pretty successfully for a few weeks, but he is getting pretty insistent. I absolutely refuse to let him get me, so today was a day of service, present-wrapping, recognizing miracles like just the right person calling at just the right moment, shopping, singing loud to the stereo, cleaning, and making ta-da lists. Being aware and proactive really helps. For me, a little healthy anthropomorphizing helps as well (for those of you who aren't geeks like me, that's the process of picturing of my problem as a person and talking about him derisively).

Here's the ta-da for today:
Evan and I had to go to Target at the unholy hour of 5 pm to get a birthday present for a party that I heard about in passing while at a concert last week, but never heard from the mom about or saw an invitation. Therefore, it was not on my radar and the need for a gift was unknown to me as I was out shopping earlier in the day. Because I'm working so hard to keep my emotions under control, Not only did I not get upset, but I consciously decided to make it a memory instead of a nightmare. I told Evan to strap himself in for an adventure. We counted how many cars back we were from traffic lights, made bets on how many cycles of said lights we'd have to wait through, estimated the distance of our parked car from the store in light-years, fantasized about having the
Millennium Falcon show up to help us get out of the traffic, turned up the rock and roll and sang loud while we air-guitared and drummed, timed how long it took us to get out of the parking lot (18 minutes and 42 seconds), and other stuff like that. We ended up laughing our heads off at times, and believe me, I needed the endorphins. I appreciate his fabulous sense of humor. Miraculously, in spite of the insanity of the parking lot, Target was a dream-no lines, friendly people, etc. Even better was that they had THREE packages of my ridiculously hard-to-find favorite toilet paper (I am a TP snob like Mendy). I was literally climbing the shelves to get the last one. That definitely goes in the count-my-blessings file.

Anyway, I'm keeping ugly old D.E. in time-out in the corner. He'll get tired of waiting and leave eventually, but until then, I am incredibly grateful for all my blessings, chief among them being the people in my life right now. As long as I have something to do for or with someone else, I'll be fine. I have lots to be thankful for and lots to look forward to. The fact that I have delivered not one plate of cookies, sent not a single card, nor sent out thank you notes from my birthday 4 months ago is not a reason to let the villain in and entertain him. Some people are wonderfully talented at the niceties. How I love and admire them. I want to be them when I grow up. For now, I will look up to them and keep trying to just be nice. Like most people, I'm my own worst critic, but there is just no time for that at such a happy time of year. I need to remain positive.

The upshot for me is that I think it really is true that if you smile at the world (even if it is a slightly fake smile), the world will smile back. Usually.


So I will keep smiling. Thanks for always smiling back.

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Training has begun

This past Saturday marked 16 weeks till the next race I'm in. My friend and I are going all out. She's never finished a marathon so we are going go for the whole enchilada: 26.2 miles. Yep, I have lost my mind as a matter of fact. But ironically, running is where I usually find it long enough to keep going in the craziness of life. I often joke that I run because I'm too clutzy to participate in any other sport, but the fact is that I really love it. I know I function better in every way when I make the time to do this, and I'm grateful that after law school was done, that Eric has been willing to support me for the last 8 years of off and on long-distance training and running. I'm also grateful for my friend Ken who lit the fire in my belly when he and a couple of other guys in our ward were training for a marathon in 1999 and I thought to myself-are there no women in the ward who are doing this? Then it became a challenge. I did that first one with no real research, no training partner, and even without decent shoes. I quickly learned about the shoes (they are worth every single penny that you have to spend) and have also learned the value of trusting in someone else's expertise, so I train using proven techniques. I complain at times that it hasn't helped me to lose any of my baby weight, but I have to say that I'm sure it has helped me to stay at a stable weight in spite of genes and eating like a mom for all these years (I can't possibly waste this half-eaten sandwich, and it won't keep, so I'd better just eat it...)
Anyway, just for my own little brain, I've put up a countdown and I'm going to keep track of my training miles. It's not meant to brag or bore, but this is part of my journal now, so, bear with me.

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Another Sick Day

Now Evan has a fever, so maybe the virus has morphed into an infection. Bless his heart. He is taking it like a trooper, though it means we missed the church Christmas party and then will miss church today. The storm never came, which is not a bad thing. Life around these parts, where folks are largely unaccustomed to winter weather, does get annoying when storms come through.
Anyway, I now find myself with a long day at home instead of a fairly busy day of choir practice and church. Not a bad thing either. This weekend was nice, with a good mix of Christmas cheer and getting things done. I learned that the term "White Elephant" does not always mean what I think it means, but that you can still have fun. Ha Ha. Thanks to Christie for being and extremely good sport. I also learned that a taste of the Nutcracker Ballet is just as much fun as the whole thing, especially when there are friends with you. I am just about ready to get all my mail out tomorrow. The 225 stars are finally painted. Packing the advent calendars will take a bit of work, but I think I have it figured out. Come chat if you see me in the long post-office lines. I'll be the one with the two giant IKEA bags full of packages and my knitting.

Also, I thought this was very interesting from a leader of the LDS (Mormon) church that I belong to.

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Days go by

Evan is sick today. Poor kid. He really wants to go to school, but he's got a miserable sore throat. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it), it is not strep. It is the same nasty sinus thing Sam, Eric and I had that involves nasty post-nasal drip that just wears out the throat. So, no help from meds for him (the unfortunate part). I will take him back to the Dr., just in case, but I feel fairly confident the test will be negative again. My sinus-y thing lasted 3 weeks. So, today I will tend to him while I listen to Christmas music, watch for the storm, and putter around at getting a myriad of Christmasy and photography projects out the door. He is a very sweet, grateful little sick person. When I bring him sodas to sip or a bowl of soup, he says, "Thanks, mom" in the cutest way. The main way you know Ev is sick is that he slows down. He is such a happy, active little guy that when he sleeps late or takes a nap or just lays on the couch under his Spongebob blankie, he is NOT feeling well at all. Today he doesn't even have the energy for a video game. That's serious.

Yesterday was lovely-I got to go to another fun get-together with friends. Heavenly. My favorite moment was when one very young friend named Eli came and grabbed my two hands, looked into my eyes and earnestly asked me to come race cars with him. Of course I did, how could I refuse such fun? I hope that children I meet will always try to forget that I'm significantly taller than them and see the little girl in my eyes who will always want to get on the floor and play.

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What Matters

Two of my favorite holiday traditions happened this week: The Ornament Exchange and The Cloverhill Holiday Dinner. They represent friendships that have spanned the years and weathered many ups and downs.


The women in the ornament exchange are all among my most long-lasting and enduring friendships-at least one I've known since I was about 17.





Over the years, the ornaments I've collected have become sweet reminders of the times we've spent together. This gathering even spans moves and changes because it was begun by my friend Jill before she moved to Omaha, and it goes on without her here, but I always think of her. Now we have a new friend-but she is the sister of an old friend, so I've known and spoken her name for many years. It's like she was always with us. So fun.

The women of Cloverhill Yarn Shop are the wonderful people I've worked with over the years. Some have become intimate friends and others are respected colleagues, and all are admired.

I have more gatherings of both friends and family coming up, and I will trade a lot of the trappings and usual holiday expectations to make sure my schedule will allow for these precious memories. It really is the relationships that matter. I love the gifts and the ornaments and the food, because they remind me of the relationships, but just as they discovered down in Whoville, even if all that were gone, what matters most would remain.

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Good Soup

Here was a successful new recipe. The combination of savory, curry and sweet is one of my favorites. This was so good I am glad it made a huge batch. I'll be living off this all week. I am going to freeze some as an experiment. Skip if you're not into squash-I just love it.

Butternut Squash and Apple Soup Note from Kellie: Peeling the raw squash is a pain. I recommend that you prepare the squash as follows while the onions and then the apples are cooking, or do it completely ahead of time, or buy already cut and peeled squash: Cut squash in half lengthwise and scoop out the seeds. Place halves face up on baking sheet and roast at 350 for about 45 minutes, till soft. Scoop the flesh from the rind and add to the pot. Puree, add cider and adjust seasonings as indicated. You can also microwave the squash, but roasting adds better flavor.

2 tablespoons unsalted butter 2 tablespoons good olive oil 4 cups chopped yellow onions (3 large) 2 tablespoons mild curry powder 5 pounds butternut squash (2 large) 1 1/2 pounds sweet apples, such as McIntosh (4 apples) 2 teaspoons kosher salt 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper 2 cups water 2 cups good apple cider or juiceWarm the butter, olive oil, onions, and curry powder in a large stockpot uncovered over low heat for 15 to 20 minutes, until the onions are tender. Stir occasionally, scraping the bottom of the pot. Peel the squash, cut in half, and remove the seeds. Cut the squash into chunks. Peel, quarter, and core the apples. Cut into chunks. Add the squash, apples, salt, pepper, and 2 cups of water to the pot. Bring to a boil, cover, and cook over low heat for 30 to 40 minutes, until the squash and apples are very soft. Process the soup through a food mill fitted with a large blade, or puree it coarsely in the bowl of a food processor fitted with a steel blade. Pour the soup back into the pot. Add the apple cider or juice and enough water to make the soup the consistency you like; it should be slightly sweet and quite thick. Check the salt and pepper and serve hot.

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Merry Craigslist!

I do love a bargain, and Santa just scored big. Thanks to Craig's List I was able to get two major gift requests for my kids for less than a fraction of what just ONE of them would have cost retail. All I have to do is drive a little, and that's okay--more time to listen to Christmas music!

Ironically, the catalog madness has started up again after a brief respite. Today's count was 14, and yesterday's count was 6. The funny thing today was that I got 5 different Sierra Trading Post catalogs. I love their stuff, though and found a few good deals. No weirdies today. Maybe they've all given up.

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Cozy

Why I love the first snowy days of the season:

Everything inside feels cozy with flakes coming down outside the window.
The light is different because of the reflection off of billions of icy crystals.
The world is damped to near silence.
Time seems to slow down as I wait to hear if plans have changed.
When things get canceled it feels like an extra evening gets dropped into my lap.
The kids can't wait to play outside.
I love the sight of their boots and coats draped all over the living room.
It goes so well with Christmas decorations.
Even the suburbs are pretty in the snow.
The cycle of the seasons seems complete.

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Traditions

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7:30 am and All's Well

I slept in today till 6:30. The house is still quiet an hour later. If I let them, everyone will sleep till at least 9, with the tweeners sleeping even longer. That's when you know they're teenagers or going to be soon. They just love to sleep. When they get the chance, I let them, because they work pretty hard all week. Sam is so whipped from wrestling and cutting weight (arrgggh) that he has been going to bed at 9. That is weird for a teen.

Johnathan started work at Costco yesterday. He did a full shift: 11-7. I am very excited for him and his 11 bucks an hour. He got to work most of the day with a friend, Derek, which isn't a bad way to start a new job. He has at least one other friend working there, also. It has been an interesting journey to this point with Costco. He applied back in the summer and they called him right away, before the store even opened. To give a little background, and without this being any kind of a judgement on any other individual or family's beliefs or practices, we have taught our kids that the Sabbath (Sunday for us) is not a day for working if it can be avoided, and that it should be avoided actively. Johnathan has decided to adopt this belief and practice for himself. So, when they called a couple months back and told him he would have to work on Sunday, he politely told them he would not because of religious conviction, and they politely told him no thanks. So he applied for several other jobs, and just never got called. We kept hearing that Costco was shorthanded and Johnathan should call back for reconsideration. So he did, twice. Twice he was told the same thing. As much as I wanted him to get a job, I did not want to suggest that he compromise his personal integrity by standing down on his Sabbath beliefs. I knew there would be other rewards, even if it wasn't in the job market. So, a couple of weeks ago, they called him back, not for an interview or any questions, but just a straight up drug test. They said they needed seasonal help and still had his application. So we figured he was hired if they went to the expense of a drug test. The end of the story is that he went Friday for orientation, asked about the Sunday thing and this time they said, "No problem." He started up the next day and said it went well. I don't know what will happen from here, but I'm glad he is starting his working life with this experience. Doing what you believe is right is not always easy and it doesn't always bring obvious rewards, but his knowing that he was true to himself will stand him in good stead for the rest of his life. At least I hope it will.

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