Catching Up

January 25, 2011

Last week was strange. 
The schedule was off to begin with (midterms), then weather skewed everything even more. 
Everything went by in a sort of fog.
Bah!
I forgot things and let things go that I shouldn't have. 
I was so annoyed with myself.
Then I had my tooth thing and used that as a further excuse to stop for a day and do nothing. 
(But oh how people's kindness warmed my heart!) 
Then I went deep inside myself and wrote my talk for church. 
(I actually felt really good about it, even though I wish I wouldn't cry.)
There were TWO wrestling meets on Friday and Saturday 
(yep, one was rescheduled because of weather)
Then yesterday was, yes, another day off school. 
Good for teachers. 
But not good for routines. 
Comfy teens in jammies on the couch make me want to sit down and join them and chat and laugh and be comfy myself, not do other things. 
Now I'm plowed under and trying to dig out. 
Today is: 
laundry 
making and mailing discs of wedding photos all over the country
packing for my upcoming lovely weekend away
shopping for said weekend
another wrestling meet
helping my friend with her book
making a dr. appointment for my aching leg (because internet medical searches of my symptoms are not making me happy)
sorting photos of wrestlers for senior night next week
and then in the afternoon, as a reward
Ah...a massage from my friend (for medical reasons-that leg-remember??)
Ah is much better than Bah. 
Funny how one letter makes such a difference. 

just a random photo-my glass globes in the pale winter light


Do You Recognize This?

January 20, 2011

Yes, it is a dental light. It was my view (while my eyes weren't clenched shut) for about 2 hours today as I experienced yet another major dental procedure. To side-step the inevitable strong emotions that accompany my regular dental dramas, I'm going to count my toothy blessings:
  • I have insurance. 
  • I live in the age of anesthesia (I'm generally much more grateful for this one before those horrible shots in the roof of my mouth and after my eyelids and nostrils stop itching and tingling for 6 hours)
  • I know how to breathe slowly through my nose to avoid the nausea that rises when I taste my own blood and bone in my mouth. 
  • That drilling really only took about 45 minutes-a mere blink in the time-space continuum.
  • I can take narcotic pain relief with little or no side effects.
  • Maybe I'll lose weight as I worry about what to eat for the next 5 weeks so I don't shatter the temporary bridge now sitting in my mouth.
  • I saw a friend whom I haven't seen for months as I was waiting for my prescription for said narcotics. 
  • I don't have to cook tonight because there are tons of leftovers in the fridge. 
  • My children's heartless mocking of my drooling and odd speaking will take my mind off my twitching eyelids and drooping cheek. 
So, I actually am grateful, but right now I'm miserable and perhaps even a bit shocky from the procedure, so I'm invoking my right to moan just a little about my cursed and horrible teeth before I go take a nap. 

May your teeth be strong and your co-pays small. 


Ice Storm

January 18, 2011

Today we have a snow day, or more correctly, an ice day. A light snow was followed by a few hours of freezing rain for just a slight glazing.  It is already starting to soften and melt, and the roads are largely cleared, so we get the benefit of a morning fairy-land of icy trees and plants and another day for kids to study for midterms without too much of the fuss and bother of a really  big storm. Win-win in my opinion. 





Whatever's Written in Your Heart...

January 13, 2011

Today's title is from a song I loved during my college years by a guy named Gerry Rafferty. Sadly, he died last week, so I've been listening to his music a lot.  I have the title song on my player at the bottom of the page along with a few others by Gerry. You might recognize Baker Street-his biggest commercial hit.

Anyway, I would put these songs on the old cassette player when I needed my mind and soul to unwind, and they still do that for me, even as little computer files. So, thanks, Mr. Rafferty. I don't think you had a very happy life, so I hope things are better for you now.  

As I write today, listening to this music, I'm feeling a loosening up of my clenched-up heart, a softening of the knot I've been carrying around in the muscles between my shoulders for weeks, and a general feeling of well-being that has been eluding me lately. There has been a combination of lovely, leavening things over the last few days: a delightful new friend, a  moment of perfect photographic happiness, and, perhaps most significantly, the perfect listening ear attached to a heart that sometimes seems to beat in the exact rhythm of my own. I've literally been aching with anxiety and fear and resentment and misplaced pride and misplaced guilt and a million other things. Now it feels like everything will work out in the end and I can breathe again.  I had almost forgotten what that felt like, frankly.

The words to this song kind of sum it up for me as I try to think of myself truthfully and as a whole person instead magnifying the fragments of my flaws into a false view. Yes, it's a break-up song, but sometimes those are very, very handy for the occasional cathartic experience.

Maybe I've always set my sights too high
You take the easy way and still get by
I know there ain't no special way
We all get there anyway

Whatever's written in your heart, that's all that matters.
We'll find a way to say it all someday...

Tucson

January 10, 2011

My sister and mother live minutes from the parking lot where the shooting happened a couple of days ago. As in BLOCKS in the case of my sis. I've thought a lot about the what if's.  What if my mom or dad or my sister or brother-in-law was there shopping, as well as my sweet niece and nephew ages 4 and almost 2?  I've thought about all the anger and fear and pain that have found their voice in the public discourse by assigning blame and raising the volume of the vitriol and hatred to an even more shrill level.  I was honestly shocked this morning as I scanned the news to find that some would imply, however obliquely, that there are those in the public eye who would wish for or rejoice over events like this. It saddens me as much as the event itself.  Crime is not born in a rational mind. Millions and millions of us hear the same crap in the news and we choose to write or argue or think, but not to kill. This was not a simple, linear response to some blog entry or series of tweets. This was the act of an infirm, unfortunate individual with issues that none of us fully understand.  The only thing I can think of is to hope that we can, both in our public discourse and our personal feelings, reach for the thoughtfulness and peacemaking that we wish was happening in the political world. We cannot expect society to rise any further than we the people are willing to stretch. In the spirit of that hope, I offer this speech from a leader of my church that was given in the aftermath of the Amish shootings several years ago.  I hope it will be a balm to any angry and overthrown heart.



The Healing Power of Forgiveness

JAMES E. FAUST
Second Counselor in the First Presidency


James E. Faust
If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being.
My dear brothers and sisters and friends, I come before you humbly and prayerfully. I wish to speak on the healing power of forgiveness.
In the beautiful hills of Pennsylvania, a devout group of Christian people live a simple life without automobiles, electricity, or modern machinery. They work hard and live quiet, peaceful lives separate from the world. Most of their food comes from their own farms. The women sew and knit and weave their clothing, which is modest and plain. They are known as the Amish people.
A 32-year-old milk truck driver lived with his family in their Nickel Mines community. He was not Amish, but his pickup route took him to many Amish dairy farms, where he became known as the quiet milkman. Last October he suddenly lost all reason and control. In his tormented mind he blamed God for the death of his first child and some unsubstantiated memories. He stormed into the Amish school without any provocation, released the boys and adults, and tied up the 10 girls. He shot the girls, killing five and wounding five. Then he took his own life.
This shocking violence caused great anguish among the Amish but no anger. There was hurt but no hate. Their forgiveness was immediate. Collectively they began to reach out to the milkman’s suffering family. As the milkman’s family gathered in his home the day after the shootings, an Amish neighbor came over, wrapped his arms around the father of the dead gunman, and said, “We will forgive you.” 1 Amish leaders visited the milkman’s wife and children to extend their sympathy, their forgiveness, their help, and their love. About half of the mourners at the milkman’s funeral were Amish. In turn, the Amish invited the milkman’s family to attend the funeral services of the girls who had been killed. A remarkable peace settled on the Amish as their faith sustained them during this crisis.
One local resident very eloquently summed up the aftermath of this tragedy when he said, “We were all speaking the same language, and not just English, but a language of caring, a language of community, [and] a language of service. And, yes, a language of forgiveness.” 2 It was an amazing outpouring of their complete faith in the Lord’s teachings in the Sermon on the Mount: “Do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.” 3
The family of the milkman who killed the five girls released the following statement to the public:
“To our Amish friends, neighbors, and local community:
“Our family wants each of you to know that we are overwhelmed by the forgiveness, grace, and mercy that you’ve extended to us. Your love for our family has helped to provide the healing we so desperately need. The prayers, flowers, cards, and gifts you’ve given have touched our hearts in a way no words can describe. Your compassion has reached beyond our family, beyond our community, and is changing our world, and for this we sincerely thank you.
“Please know that our hearts have been broken by all that has happened. We are filled with sorrow for all of our Amish neighbors whom we have loved and continue to love. We know that there are many hard days ahead for all the families who lost loved ones, and so we will continue to put our hope and trust in the God of all comfort, as we all seek to rebuild our lives.” 4
How could the whole Amish group manifest such an expression of forgiveness? It was because of their faith in God and trust in His word, which is part of their inner beings. They see themselves as disciples of Christ and want to follow His example.
Hearing of this tragedy, many people sent money to the Amish to pay for the health care of the five surviving girls and for the burial expenses of the five who were killed. As a further demonstration of their discipleship, the Amish decided to share some of the money with the widow of the milkman and her three children because they too were victims of this terrible tragedy.
Forgiveness is not always instantaneous as it was with the Amish. When innocent children have been molested or killed, most of us do not think first about forgiveness. Our natural response is anger. We may even feel justified in wanting to “get even” with anyone who inflicts injury on us or our family.
Dr. Sidney Simon, a recognized authority on values realization, has provided an excellent definition of forgiveness as it applies to human relationships:
“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.” 5
Most of us need time to work through pain and loss. We can find all manner of reasons for postponing forgiveness. One of these reasons is waiting for the wrongdoers to repent before we forgive them. Yet such a delay causes us to forfeit the peace and happiness that could be ours. The folly of rehashing long-past hurts does not bring happiness.
Some hold grudges for a lifetime, unaware that courageously forgiving those who have wronged us is wholesome and therapeutic.
Forgiveness comes more readily when, like the Amish, we have faith in God and trust in His word. Such faith “enables people to withstand the worst of humanity. It also enables people to look beyond themselves. More importantly, it enables them to forgive.” 6
All of us suffer some injuries from experiences that seem to have no rhyme or reason. We cannot understand or explain them. We may never know why some things happen in this life. The reason for some of our suffering is known only to the Lord. But because it happens, it must be endured. President Howard W. Hunter said that “God knows what we do not know and sees what we do not see.” 7
President Brigham Young offered this profound insight that at least some of our suffering has a purpose when he said: “Every calamity that can come upon mortal beings will be suffered to come upon the few, to prepare them to enjoy the presence of the Lord. … Every trial and experience you have passed through is necessary for your salvation.” 8
If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being. Some recent studies show that people who are taught to forgive become “less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious and less stressed,” which leads to greater physical well-being. 9 Another of these studies concludes “that forgiveness … is a liberating gift [that] people can give to themselves.” 10
In our day the Lord has admonished us, “Ye ought to forgive one another,” and then makes it requisite when He says, “I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men.” 11
A sister who had been through a painful divorce received some sound advice from her bishop: “Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in.” 12 For the Amish, it was already there because “forgiveness is a ‘heartfelt’ component of [their] religion.” 13Their example of forgiveness is a sublime expression of Christian love.
Here in Salt Lake City in 1985, Bishop Steven Christensen, through no fault of his own, was cruelly and senselessly killed by a bomb intended to take his life. He was the son of Mac and Joan Christensen, the husband of Terri, and the father of four children. With his parents’ consent, I share what they learned from this experience. After this terrible deed, the news media followed members of the Christensen family around relentlessly. On one occasion this media intrusion offended one of the family members to the point that Steven’s father, Mac, had to restrain him. Mac then thought, “This thing will destroy my family if we don’t forgive. Venom and hatred will never end if we do not get it out of our system.” Healing and peace came as the family cleansed their hearts from anger and were able to forgive the man who took their son’s life.
We recently had two other tragedies here in Utah which demonstrate faith and the healing power of forgiveness. Gary Ceran, whose wife and two children were killed on Christmas Eve when their vehicle was hit by a truck, immediately expressed his forgiveness and concern for the alleged drunk driver. Last February, when a car crashed into Bishop Christopher Williams’s vehicle, he had a decision to make, and it was to “unconditionally forgive” the driver who had caused the accident so that the healing process could take place unhampered. 14
What can we all learn from such experiences as these? We need to recognize and acknowledge angry feelings. It will take humility to do this, but if we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us. The Lord requires us “to forgive all men”15 for our own good because “hatred retards spiritual growth.” 16 Only as we rid ourselves of hatred and bitterness can the Lord put comfort into our hearts, just as He did for the Amish community, the Christensens, the Cerans, and the Williams family.
Of course, society needs to be protected from hardened criminals, because mercy cannot rob justice. 17 Bishop Williams addressed this concept so well when he said, “Forgiveness is a source of power. But it does not relieve us of consequences.” 18 When tragedy strikes, we should not respond by seeking personal revenge but rather let justice take its course and then let go. It is not easy to let go and empty our hearts of festering resentment. The Savior has offered to all of us a precious peace through His Atonement, but this can come only as we are willing to cast out negative feelings of anger, spite, or revenge. For all of us who forgive “those who trespass against us,” 19 even those who have committed serious crimes, the Atonement brings a measure of peace and comfort.
Let us remember that we need to forgive to be forgiven. In the words of one of my favorite hymns, “Oh, forgive as thou wouldst be e’en forgiven now by me.” 20 With all my heart and soul, I believe in the healing power that can come to us as we follow the counsel of the Savior “to forgive all men.” 21 In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Good Things

January 8, 2011

Sam flew back to Utah for another semester of university studies on Monday. Here is how the kids spent their last night of Christmas break: in a companionable game of Settlers of Catan. I always enjoy listening to them play games like this-the joking, the different approaches, the teasing, etc. It is a wonderful little snapshot of their relationship. I'm glad they chose to interact and make a memory together instead of just separating to do their own thing.

Johnathan started classes at HCC on Monday and is keeping busy with homework and a possible job opportunity.

Sara is focused on getting driving experience and is getting better and better out on the road. I don't love the driver training times of parenthood, but I have a lot of patience with them while they are learning-it's kind of ironic. I struggle to have patience with many other aspects of teenage-hood, but I'm a compassionate and supportive driving instructor. It must be something about wanting them to feel happy, calm, confident and capable while I'm strapped with them into a 5000-pound instrument of death. Yeah, something like that.

Evan "won" his wrestling match on Tuesday by forfeit, then lost yesterday in the first round of a tournament. He lost again today, but  I think he's satisfied with his experience as a wrestler thus far. He knows that this year is largely about gaining experience since he's never done it before.

For myself, I decided to go for the fun. I paid my tuition this week and am registered for another class at HCC during spring semester. Just one class on Tuesdays again. This time it will be basic photography, with film. I'm excited to step back into the world of film and see if I can even do it.  It's been 5 or 6 years since I shot film. Digital has taken so much of the risk and technicality out of photography that this will be like flying with instruments only. No chimping  by looking at the screen on the camera, no delete button, no 50 images just to get the one picture I like of a kid's smile or an apple in a tree. I'm looking forward to an adjustment of my mindset, a narrowing of my parameters, and going through an organized system of learning photography rather than always learning in the moment by what the situation requires. Not that there isn't value in that, it's just that I hope to find and begin to fill in the blank spaces in my knowledge.

I also have a new knitting contract and am working every day on that, in addition to the final re-claiming of the house from the happy chaos of the holidays. I'm starting to feel a little more in control, though there is still a lot of purging and sorting to do in the wake of everyone receiving new treasures for Christmas.

I've started and abandoned 3 or 4 blog posts over the last little while because I'm trying to process some hard things right now but don't really like to put a lot of negative stuff out there in the public zone. It has been somewhat therapeutic to write and rant and edit and write some more and consider just saying what's really on my mind, then decide it is better to look at the bright side. It always is, actually. Toward that end, tonight I attended a wonderful church meeting that is held twice a year just for adults. It is always an oasis of calm and quiet in the midst of life's craziness. This evening,  we heard messages on the importance of love, forgiveness, and the constancy of God. It was a balm to my currently troubled soul. I finally felt some insight into how to deal with some problems I've gotten stuck on and move forward.

That is definitely a good thing.

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