This Week's Winner

One of my good friends and I sometimes process the ups and downs of life by pretending to trade back and forth an imaginary prize for being the biggest loser-mom or biggest loser-friend or just for being the most generally lame. Then we trade our sad stories of woe and heartbreak, end up laughing (or occasionally cackling maniacally) and feel better.

This week I win, hands down. I am definitely the WINNER for being the biggest loser, and not in the yay-weight-loss sort of way. This is in the actual-stupidity sort of way.

Don't worry, I know I'm not an actual loser, but I've just gotten past the worst part of a completely avoidable, frustrating situation and my heart is truly heavy over it. Somehow it feels right to just let the big L hover over me for a minute, like the Dark Mark, for all to see.

It doesn't matter too much what happened, but I have learned some things.

• A good cry really does help. 
• I REALLY, really, really want to always be forgiving and assume people are doing their best even when they make big mistakes.  
• Once you do your best to make things right, it really is a choice to either move on or stay stuck. 
• I'm better at the latter, but am going to turn around and choose the former this time. 
• Next time, I'll do better. 
• And last but not least, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me...

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My Trip to Utah

All went well on Friday morning and I made it to Utah just fine.  We landed in the middle of a wild little snow squall that reduced visibility to a couple hundred feet and completely surprised the pilot and crew-that was exciting.  My son Sam picked me up at the airport and we began our wonderful day together.

The purpose of the trip, as I said before, was to be with him as he went through an important step of faith for members of my church. He went to the temple to make covenants that pertain to how he will choose to live the rest of his life.  We believe that by living a certain way, we invite God into our lives every day and are happier, are able to cope with the normal ups and downs of life with perspective and hope, and are able to have a firm purpose to guide all of our decisions.

All are invited to someday enter the temple, but there are requirements for entrance. What happens in the temple is considered sacred, so we don't discuss it except in the most general of terms. This is not meant to exclude but instead to protect and keep the specialness of what happens. There is power in honoring sacred things and not allowing them to become common.

It's a wonderful thing for a parent to see a child want to make what I, of course, consider to be a wise and happiness-inducing decision and I'm glad I could be here. My parents came up from Tucson and my older son and daughter-in-law were with us as well, so it was a memorable family occasion.  Sam seemed well-prepared to absorb and begin thinking about what it means to be a mature participant in his chosen religion and had lots of good questions. I hope you can see the happiness on his face.

Saturday, I spent the morning with my folks before they drove home (it was so incredibly good to see them) and then a couple of hours with Sam while Jeff and Ashlyn had college-y stuff to do. In the afternoon I got to see my friend Cami in her beautiful new home. She used to live near me and I miss her being around. Fortunately I read her blog regularly and so we were able to while away the afternoon talking easily for several hours. That was a treat. I so appreciate her perspective on things and love hearing about all the great things she's doing.

Today we'll go to church together then eat the roast that is already smelling amazing as it cooks in the crockpot, then hopefully spend the evening playing some games or taking a drive.

Most importantly, I've had some mental time to rest and regroup. I was really worried about taking this trip in the middle of everything that's been going on, but it turns out it was just what I needed.

Snow in Spring

Sam in the snow on campus

J-Dawgs for lunch- a local favorite. 

Sam before.

And after. 

Me and Sam after his session

Jeff, Sam and Me

The Brothers

Sam

All of us in front of the temple

Under the arches at the temple

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Always an Adventure

This was the view out my window for an hour and a half
at the gate in Baltimore as mechanics checked the plane.

It's about 6 am Mountain Standard Time or Pacific Daylight Time, whichever you want to call it. Such chronological ambiguity must mean that I'm in Phoenix, because Arizona doesn't participate in Daylight Savings Time. I'm supposed to be in Provo, UT, but I'm not. Yet. I'm in the middle of a Travel Adventure. Thankfully, as T. A.'s go, this one has been pretty tame.

Last evening I got on a plane that was indeed bound for Phoenix, and all seemed well. Then, in that offhand manner of speaking that pilots must learn in Pilot School, we were told that there was a valve in the wing mechanism that had to be checked. That's important, so I could roll with it. At first Captain Relaxed gave the impression that it would be ever so quick and we'd be on our way. A few minutes later when they opened the doors to let in fresh air and started beverage service, I kinda figured it was a lost cause. I only had an hour to start with to make my connection in Phoenix and as the minutes ticked away, so did my hope that I'd be on the second plane. Eventually they just announced that because it was the end of the flying day, we should  plan on getting to our destinations the next day. Because I was in a mindset to be positive and also because I was sitting next to this awesome woman who was pleasantly chatty and upbeat, I didn't even have time to have an anxiety attack.  My phone was acting sketchy, so Eric was able to make a couple of calls for me and get me booked on this morning's flight before the rush last night.  In the end we took off about 90 minutes late and got to Phoenix almost two hours late because of a headwind. I sat on that plane in my assigned two square feet of floor space for 7 hours. As you can imagine, I got a lot of knitting done.

USAirways put us up in the Twin Palms Hotel, which was exactly as you are picturing it. Exactly. But it was free and better than sleeping on airport chairs, so, though I will stop short of gushing over the amenities, I will say that I'm grateful they had vacancies. They also had free shuttle service to and from the airport, so as I say, this was pretty painless for me. My only sadness is that my weekend with my kids has been cut a bit short, but only by a night. 

So, as long as the flight is not overbooked and I get an actual seat, I'll be winging my way over the Grand Canyon and Moab and a little town called Levan, UT where my dad's family's dairy farm is and getting to the Land of My Birth around ten this morning. My son will pick me up and tonight he'll go through the temple for the first time. 

That is the whole reason for the trip and I'll tell more about that part later. 

Right now I'm going to turn around and watch one of my favorite things in the world:  sunrise over the desert. That's a bonus I wasn't expecting on this trip, so it's all good. 

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The Light Changes and Spring is Here

Today, in the midst of studying for a mid-term, planning for a whimsical upcoming trip and trying to stay on top of work, I had the chance to dig into the garden for a soft, gray, early-morning hour. I thought it was a good way to commemorate another season's change. I found a plant-trading pal on freecycle so I had to do some digging to prepare for her pick-up of some divided bleeding hearts. In return I got some new daylilies and a reason to start in earnest my garden tasks for the spring. I've been gradually working at cleaning up the last of the leaf litter from last fall-I let it lie in the flower beds to protect the roots over the winter-and right now, as the new growth starts, I have the best view all year of the bones of the garden. This is the time to move and rethink and design. It is always a work in progress, but it was good to be outdoors in my boots and overalls, happy for the overnight rain. Mud is a friend when you're properly dressed for it and it makes the work so much easier.

I have daffodils and forsythia blooming in glorious yellows and one bright-eyed Lenten Rose (hellebore) representing the other end of the spectrum. I have high hopes for my hellebores and plan on putting in a few more this year. I think my fuchsia succumbed to the winter extremes in spite of my efforts to protect it, but am not certain yet. I'll give it a few more days before deciding I'm just a zone short of being successful with that particular plant, at least as a perennial. The herb garden endures, with parsley up from last years seed and rosemary starting to make a comeback. It was a good way to start the week- an oasis of calm in the midst of my desert of crazy.

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Not Quite There Yet

The crazy pace continues. Every day this week I've worked to finish tasks and take care of obligations from early am till late, late at night, trying to squeeze every spare minute from every day. I'm really, really tired and I can't remember a time this intense in a long, long time. I wasn't here after school yesterday, which I try to avoid, but we did finally manage to all have dinner together last night-a favorite, simple meal of waffles, bacon, leftover baked potatoes fried up into home fries, and plenty of chocolate milk and orange juice. Yum.  It makes such a difference to do that simple thing-it steadies me to have everyone in sight and talking around the table. Fortunately, my kids are good kids who are independent enough to take care of themselves while I'm gone and busy, but I genuinely like being around. I like being here when they come and go and focusing on the running of the household.

My organization hotspot this week from simplemom was to tackle the paper clutter. This is the one I need most, but this week's tight schedule has thus far made it impossible for me to block out enough time to work on it, not even in 15-minute bits. I made an attempt to take some photos and gather my materials, but that's as far as I got. I'm hoping to get to it today but am not sure THAT will happen because  everything today will be measured in large blocks of time with the only time in between spent driving to the next thing. I'm trying to figure out what I can wear that will get me through the whole day. I will be leaving the house here in about an hour, and may not actually sit down again inside of it (I will be stopping by to drop off and pick up) until about 11:30 tonight. All along the way I'll be making phone calls, trying to stay in touch with the family, and just plain chipping away at this list.

My mood is okay-I'm definitely eating too much chocolate (the Orange Chocolate candies of my heart have returned to Trader Joes!), but I'm staying fairly stable and trying really hard to eat lots of good things in between the chocolate. More importantly, I remembered to put my camera battery on the charger and get through the proper saving of yesterday's photos. There will be more today, but I'm ready.  I can say with surety that this pace and period of everything coming together at once is temporary. It really is. Days will come in the future when I'll see a cleared To Do list (for actual hours at a time) and empty space on my calendar and be able to just putter in my garden or take a walk without feeling an inner mandate to get done and get to the next thing.

That beautiful, ethereal dream will keep me going.

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New Beginnings

The purpose of most youth programs in the world is to help kids know who they are and what they are capable of accomplishing. In my church, our youth program seeks to do that very thing. Of course for us the basis of that it that they are children of a loving Heavenly Father and that he loves them. If you think about it, there is great power in that understanding.

Last night was another annual event on the girl's side of the youth program. It happens near the beginning of the year to teach about what the program does and how it works. This year we chose to do a massive 3-act skit about how young women are actually princesses, complete with Greek-style chorus and narration. The girls had fun with it, all the other women I support as secretary of the organization did an amazing job of putting it together, and it was a great success. I've always had a large place in my heart for teens, and it was moving to watch them say things out loud, with conviction, such as, "We are daughters of our Heavenly Father and He loves us and We love Him. We will stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things and in all places..."  Wow. There is so much of relativism and mere opinion in the world today. It is so easy to be swayed to believe whatever is the latest headline. I am so appreciative that I have been taught that there actually are things that are dependable instead of constantly changing and that living a life of faith actually takes intelligence, action and compassion. It is one of the great triumphs of misinformation that in general, religious people are now thought of as rigid, judgemental and somehow blind. The vibrant, amazing, smart, funny, and diverse group of teenaged-girls I saw share their faith last night were nothing of the sort.

In our church we say that we feel the spirit, which is the influence of God, when something is right or true, and last night, in a decorated gym in a little church in a place not many people have ever heard of , God was aware of these girls and the spirit was indeed present.

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Inspiration in My Mailbox

After my last post, I got lots of love and support from friends and family, which I greatly appreciate, and then this came in a daily inspirational email:

Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs.  Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger.  If you do the little jobs well, the big ones will tend to take care of themselves.  ~Dale Carnegie

Yesterday I pretty much worked on the small jobs from when I got going at 6 am till I went to bed at 2 am.  Now I'm going to catch a nap before class and probably keep about the same schedule. It will be a crazy week, but I've already seen some progress. I got the prints ready for my first photography critique, and many more stitches were knitted. I even had to make the choice to say no to something else that came up. It was hard, but I did it, and it was okay. 


I love it when I reach out for help and my Heavenly Father reaches back with exactly the things I need to sustain me each step of the way. 

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Deadlines

Deadlines. Isn't that a lovely word? Do this or you're DEAD! The history of the word deadline doesn't help much: It refers to the line that actually existed around a prison and indicated the point at which a prisoner could expect to be shot. I think I understand that feeling.

My good friend Gwen has set a goal to have no big knitting deadlines this year, which is good because I'd be sad if she got shot, even metaphorically. Seriously though, I am glad she's doing this because it is stark contrast to the couple of years she's just had while working on a huge, HUGE project.

I, on the other hand, instead of gigantic projects, have lots of smaller ones all coming to some sort of deadline in the next two weeks or so and I feel like I have about 16 high-powered rifles trained on me  with their sinister little laser-sights all quivering constantly on my forehead.  My heart-rate and breathing are rapid and shallow respectively and I have to reassess and remember what's true.

First you may say "Go write it somewhere else, please." Second, it will be "Learn to say no." While that is excellent advice for all of us,  the problem for me is two-fold as follows: Firstly, I do say no a lot (!!!!) and secondly, why would I want to miss out on the things I'm doing? They're good things. Instead of saying no so much that I eliminate the stress of deadlines but trade it for sitting home with a book and my DVR,  here are the truths I have to remember:

1. I have such a good imagination that sometimes I think I really will get shot (metaphorically) if  I miss a deadline. For me the threat is that I'll let someone down or someone won't like me (yes, at the age of forty-I-should-know-better-four that still bothers me) or that failure is, in fact, the same as death. OR simply that I'll miss out on something fun.  The true part is that I've failed lots of times and have lived to tell the tale. I also have missed out on lots of things and similarly survived. I just don't like it. That whole attitude is inherently prideful and reveals that I sometimes do things to be seen or for selfish reasons rather than to be good. Besides, everyone I'm working with is actually a nice person, no sniper-trained prison-guard types in the bunch. It's my own self creating the problem. 


2. I tend to see the world through glasses tinted with words like HUGE JOB, TOO MUCH, PERFECTION IS THE ONLY OPTION, WILL TAKE HOURS AND HOURS, etc. It's not a pretty picture but those glasses seem to be sutured onto my brain. The truth is that the things I'm doing can all be broken down into manageable bites. When I actually set a timer and do things said bite at a time, I do just fine and everything gets done. (And yes, I do follow Flylady. I think she's a genius.) 


3. The problem with that last thing is that I spend too long seeing things in the big, looming way and sometimes it is actually (and only) the approaching deadline that motivates me to action and so sometimes I really do run out of time. Then another problem emerges which is that I'll kill myself to meet that deadline (so I don't get shot-see the irony?) and then I get the same adrenaline rush as a base-jumper and feel all happy and floaty for a while. I've tried it and I get no adrenaline mainline from doing things with time to spare. It actually feels kind of boring, like I'm not really being creative. I've even second-guessed things I've gotten done in plenty of time and re-done them at the last minute to make sure they're really "right." The truth is that the floaty feeling is a fake kind of happiness. Getting things done without the rush is better. And I don't need a parachute or risk smashing into the sidewalk if it doesn't open. 


I imagine at this point some of you are thinking "just choose the book and dvr scenario already!" or else "Get to a doctor, woman!" But really, that's the beauty of blogging right? I can journal my real life, and you can skip to the next thing on your reader. I won't mind. Feel grateful that I have another, totally private blog where the real real life gets recorded.  Writing like this, and even to an audience, helps me. I edit and process as I go and try to get to the other side of whatever I'm going through. One good thing about me is that I'm very, very aware of all my, ahem, idiosyncrasies and honestly desire to cope with them in the healthiest way possible. I grew up thinking that having problems and weaknesses of any sort was bad and so I have pretended in the past that I didn't have any. Now instead I'm just trying to be realistic and forgiving of myself and solve them as they come up.

I'll get through all this stuff and one by one the quivering targets will fade away. Or maybe a few of those feared bullets will find their path and I will let someone down or someone will think less of me. That will make me feel sad. Really sad. But it won't kill me and the truth is that then it's the other person's job to forgive me and my job to keep doing my best and and REMEMBER that I did my best.

Okay, back to work.

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Project Simplify Project #1 To Have or to Be?

I've been thinking a lot about the phrase in the title as I've worked on my closet this week. It's actually quoted from the title of a book that I bought in my youth at the behest of a friend but haven't picked up in too many years. It's by Erich Fromm and explores the difference between society centered on people and relationships and society centered on always having and getting. As I cleaned out this week, one of the rules was to touch every thing in my closet in order to decide if it belongs in my life. I did and learned a lot:

• Having too much makes it hard to access and use the things you actually do like
• I avoid wearing things that need ironing because my ironing process is cumbersome-it takes a long time to get out the iron and all that. I have a plan to solve that problem, which is good. 
• By simplifying the rules of what makes something worthwhile to keep, I was able to much more aggressively remove things that have not been useful for a long time. 
• I keep things that aren't useful any more because either I fear I might need them at some point, or because I love some sensual aspect of them-the fabric or the way it is made-even if it doesn't fit or flatter me.
• I fall prey to the fantasy that if I wear certain things I'll somehow become a different person-buying the me I want is easier than working to become the me I want. 

I know, deep stuff sometimes. But it is an important thing to get a handle on. It speaks to contentment, satisfaction with life, what I need to be happy and other things. And it's important to remember that "having" refers to stuff other than stuff. It's any thing or undertaking that takes the focus off of people and relationships and living life in the moment rather than always waiting for something to make me happy. I'm grateful for the chance to explore my tendencies and maybe get over some of my need to "have."  Fortunately, I have some balance and know the importance of being and also of people, so I'm not swept away by my stuff. I do feel overwhelmed by it at times, and frankly, that just should not happen. 

So here are the photos: 

Before. So now you know. 

The Sorting. A magic hat would have made it easier but
I'm proud of how I did all by myself. 

This many hangers were freed from their forced servitude. 

After.  It's a good start. I could have been braver, but even
in my cowardice, I filled up 4 large shopping
bags with stuff for Goodwill. 

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Spring Cleaning

I've been hit hard by the urge to purge my stuff. Last week I got a start on my craft supplies and was able to share with friends from church about half of what I was ready to let go. I've already got everything that didn't get taken in my giveaway on Saturday packed up and in in the car. Goodwill is on my list of stops today.

For the next 5 weeks, as the badge to the left attests,  I'm de-cluttering along with simplemom and rather looking forward to it.  I'm up at my usual time and I couldn't wait to see what the hot spot for the week would be. It is...drumroll please...

MY WARDROBE! Ack! It's like she knows me. My closet is a mess-the great closed door on all my clutter skeletons. I love her reasons for starting here rather than with something that seems more critical like paper clutter or the kitchen. She says I should take care of myself first and I'm not good at doing that, so this is a good exercise.

I've just gotten Sara off to seminary and I've already taken my before photos (nope-no cheating or photoshopping-you'll see them here at the end of the week in all their horrid glory) and started gathering my tools. I'm a notorious off-to-a-great-start-then-get-overwhelmed-or perfectionistic-so-I-stop-midway sort of person, so I need to take do this wisely, taking the whole week to get it done and done right. Fortunately I know what to do. I read and dream about these kinds of processes all the time. I just need to keep moving.

Wish me luck! Better yet, come spring clean along with me!

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Sick Day

Evan has strep again. He's always been somewhat of a susceptible kid, getting the worst possible version of whatever is going around, but this is bad even for him (he just had a case of strep about 6 weeks ago). Three others of us are on the edge of being sick, but so far, no fever and other symptoms that Ev is going through. We missed church today and he'll have to stay home tomorrow, so, even though he's nearly 15, time will stop for us and we'll have a couple of quiet days in the house together. Mostly he'll sleep, and I'll be able to step out for some of what's on my calendar, but I actually like the chance to take care of an ailing teen. Sometimes its the only time I can actually do anything for them. I try not to hover and also to stay away from WebMD and the like and just trust my instincts about how they're feeling, when to get worried and all that, but I have to admit it's sort of nice to have them around when they're sick. My husband mocks me constantly about making the immediate leap from a mysterious bruise to something horrible like leukemia, but in some ways, I'm pretty relaxed about sickness, trying at all costs to avoid unnecessary antibiotics and OTC remedies, trying to remember that the best medicine (besides laughter of course) is good old Tincture of Time, and most of all, trying hard to let them stop and rest. It's hard in this day and age, especially for a high-schooler, but it will be best in the long run.

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Book Review: Sylvester

Sylvester
by Georgette Heyer
Adult fiction, romance
I listened to the abridged audio book, read by Richard Armitage (He is a favorite actor, so finding him as narrator helped me to decide to listen rather than read. I usually avoid abridged versions, but this one seemed to be well-edited. It never felt choppy or incongruous. I am curious about what is missing, though, so I probably will find a print version to read)

I first heard about Georgette Heyer from my pal Mendy, who is a prolific reader and always good for helping me find things I've never heard of before. This is my first of Heyer's books and I absolutely enjoyed it. It is a Regency Romance, set in the same sort of time period as Jane Austen's books, and somewhat similar in tone and plot. Heyer is usually called the originator or the queen of Regency Romance. Jane Austen wrote contemporaneously-of the time when she lived, but Heyer wrote in the early 20th century and had to meticulously research her Regency details. Anyway, in that spirit, it was full of the manners of the time, the ins and outs of society and the difficulties of class and gender. It was a fun, dreamy read that kept me completely engaged and wondering how things would turn out.

It is about the eponymous very proper, somewhat misunderstood, highly eligible bachelor and an unlikely young lady named Phoebe. The enjoyably well-paced plot runs on witty lines, misunderstandings, flirtations, lovely settings, bad decisions, wishes, dreams and all sort of happenings-much like Austen-something is always happening, so my interest never waned.

She was a prolific writer, and I look forward to discovering more of her works.

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Watching is Hard Sometimes

The lack of control a mother has is breaking my heart a little bit right now.  Emotions around here are thicker than usual as one kid didn't get accepted to go somewhere, and here is just not where he wants to be. Another kid has lost the record of the whole school-year's work in one class-a class she loves, and we have looked everywhere with no success. The third kid had to endure yet more losses in his chosen sport, and while these challenges seem small in the grand scheme of things, frankly, I'm feeling a little sad about it all. Sadder still that there is no magic wand I can wave to take the frustration away.

We're getting through the days and everyone is functioning, it's just that the edges are a little rough-the margins of our relationships seem compressed and the house feels claustrophobic. I'm trying to respond by maintaining or improving my grasp on the things I can control like making sure we have dinner and daily devotions of prayer and scripture study and that I'm home for the comings and goings. These things do make a difference in the spirit of the home, and remind me that the work of motherhood actually does carve out of the chaos of life a safe, embracing place for people to be when the world is bearing down.

But I still just want all the problems solved. Right now, please.

I have to fight hard to remember that these are battles each one must win for their own self and even if I had the power to stop the troubles, would it be wise to do so? I might feel like a better mother, one who is in control, whose home runs so perfectly that nothing like this would ever happen, but how selfish of me to want the credit and to rob them of the very experiences that will achieve what is supposedly my greatest goal-for each one to grow to their best and most complete self.

And so I watch.
And try to help (when I'm invited, which is not always).
And worry.
And wait.

Ah yes, the hard part.

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