The lack of control a mother has is breaking my heart a little bit right now. Emotions around here are thicker than usual as one kid didn't get accepted to go somewhere, and here is just not where he wants to be. Another kid has lost the record of the whole school-year's work in one class-a class she loves, and we have looked everywhere with no success. The third kid had to endure yet more losses in his chosen sport, and while these challenges seem small in the grand scheme of things, frankly, I'm feeling a little sad about it all. Sadder still that there is no magic wand I can wave to take the frustration away.
We're getting through the days and everyone is functioning, it's just that the edges are a little rough-the margins of our relationships seem compressed and the house feels claustrophobic. I'm trying to respond by maintaining or improving my grasp on the things I can control like making sure we have dinner and daily devotions of prayer and scripture study and that I'm home for the comings and goings. These things do make a difference in the spirit of the home, and remind me that the work of motherhood actually does carve out of the chaos of life a safe, embracing place for people to be when the world is bearing down.
But I still just want all the problems solved. Right now, please.
I have to fight hard to remember that these are battles each one must win for their own self and even if I had the power to stop the troubles, would it be wise to do so? I might feel like a better mother, one who is in control, whose home runs so perfectly that nothing like this would ever happen, but how selfish of me to want the credit and to rob them of the very experiences that will achieve what is supposedly my greatest goal-for each one to grow to their best and most complete self.
And so I watch.
And try to help (when I'm invited, which is not always).
And worry.
And wait.
Ah yes, the hard part.
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You have very beautifully expressed this challenge of parenthood, and I'm sure that many, many of us out here will be able to relate, with our own various levels of the same feeling.
ReplyDelete*Hug*
Just the other day I was praying and I said something like this, "She's mine and I know what she needs." Then I felt an answer saying, "No, she's MINE and I know what she needs." That is hardest part of being a mom, trusting the bigger picture. Good luck to all of you.
ReplyDeleteCari said it beautifully. You're there "at the crossroads". For many, that's the hard part, too, but you do that well. Love to you and your family - around the corner some light will arrive.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful post Kelli. I think we all feel this way sometimes, but you have said it so beautifully. It is such a challenge to watch our children have struggles and not be able to fix them the way we would like. I agree that it takes so much trust in the Lord to wait and watch and hope that the resolution will come.
ReplyDeleteMy friend. I want to be that mom too, the one who can fix everything. But I think you're right - we would then be robbing our children of those experiences that the Lord has carved out just for them. It is hard to stand by and watch sometimes, though.
ReplyDeleteYou know I love you :)
Once again your writings are amazing. And even though not a mother myself, I continue to admire you as the mother you are. As my own mother said, a successful mother does not raise children, but raises adults -- and that is so much harder!
ReplyDeleteYou obviously understand the difference!
All I can say is thank you for your example. You're a little farther ahead of me on this mothering path, and I honestly learn so much from you through posts like these. Things I can tuck away for when I'll need them, probably sooner than I realize. Thank you for your faith, Kellie. You are amazing, and your children are so blessed to have you there to create that haven for them.
ReplyDeleteOh Kel...I completely agree with you. I love you too...you are such an awesome awesome example to me of what a parent should be.
ReplyDeletehere's a long distance hug my friend. squueeeze. thanks for sharing your insights and thoughts. I hope with you that courses will shift again soon and right themselves. I'm truly grateful to have a friend like you.
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