Friday, September 21, 2007

Weird Week (Warning: Whiny and pathetic content. Read at your own risk.)

I am glad it is Friday. I don't know if it's because this is the first actual 5-day week of the school year, or if I'm in my usual post-cycle-hormonal-dropout wasteland, but this week felt like swimming through jello. And not yummy strawberry jello with fat-free cool-whip on top. This was green jello, murky and sticky. I have been unable to concentrate on much of anything besides seminary. That is the only thing that has gone well. That, and I was glad to find out there was a card swap and have a reason to spend an afternoon stamping. Cardmaking was very therapeutic because it was mindless and robotic once I got the design worked out. Everything else has just been hard. For no good reason.

We spent most of the week researching cars, taking test drives and discussing pros and cons. I went through most of it in a fog. Eric was great, and the kids were very cooperative and helpful. It just felt ponderous. I was in a stupor of thought. No real deals in the used market were coming to us, and the cars we were looking at were not thrilling us. Our original intent was to spend only the settlement money from State Farm, and we just weren't finding anything that felt right. I suggested that maybe we could wait a while and save some more money before we buy something. You should have seen the looks I got. I finally experienced a moment of clarity when we took the kids to try on a Toyota Sequoia and realized that full-sized male humans (which is what boys grow into long before they move out) do not fit in the 3rd seats of even the largest of Hondas and Toyotas, including mini-vans. I knew we would have to switch gears and get another full-sized truck. Neither Eric nor I have gotten excited about the Big Van Plan, in spite of the obvious practicality and pleothera of comfortable seats. We like trucks. So back to Ford we went. For some strange reason that I do not understand, we felt pretty strongly about getting something new, which would mean another loan after having had the Excursion that just passed away paid off for about 1 year. Another moment of clarity that I did not particularly want. I am sure the reasons will reveal themselves someday. My only comfort is the feeling that I have had that we have in fact been guided along the way.

After trudging through all this ridiculous angst and nonsense, we have a new ride, and the upshot is, its awesome. It is an Expedition EL, about the size of a Suburban. Obviously, I am incredibly grateful that such a blessing has come to us, that we were able to work things out quickly and with no muss or fuss. It is just not what I would choose right now and I'm not dealing well with that. I'm sure many are thinking, "I wish I had her car-poor baby." I'm actually thinking that myself. I am frustrated with myself with my lack of Zen about this whole thing.

So here it is, the new member of the family. The kids are thrilled beyond anything I've ever seen. They are genuinely sad to lose the Truck, and all of them have expressed the feeling that they will miss it because so many memories are connected to that big gray beast, but this has helped. I'm glad of that.
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I am grateful this whole episode is over. In spite of Eric being totally fine and it being a non-incident in the big picture, it has been an intense emotional experience for me. My knitting student who is a psychiatrist says I am experiencing Post-Traumatic Stress symptoms, which makes me feel stupid since nothing happened to me for crying out loud. Having just read Corinne's post about her horrific accident as a teenager I feel like deleting this whole post because it is so whiny. I warned you though.

Well, I'll stop rambling now. This writing gives an idea of my mental capacity this week. Stuck. Stagnating. Struggling. As Shrek would say, "Better out than in." I suppose. Out with it then. Bring on a new week. And let it start now.


  1. Ok, first some cheese to go with that whine...

    I know, lame attempt at a cheer-up. Definitely out than in, what are blogs for? Besides, something traumatic did happen to you--maybe you weren't in the truck, but the person you love most in the whole world was in that truck and it had to affect you. So some PTS is defintely warranted. I often feel way to whiney and 'poorme' when other people have Real Problems, but that doesn't mean our feelings aren't real and don't need to be dealt with. Something rythimic and creative like the card making can be very theraputic. I started knitting quite a bit after a particularly traumatic event during grad school, and it helped.

    And very comforting to know that HF has been helping you get the vehicle your family needs. No matter how small the problem, He is definitely there for you.


  2. I can totally see how the whole new car buying would make your week murky... Being that it wasn't a decision you had planned on facing and with all the stress of the accident... That's all really rough stuff. Glad you found a car that works well for you guys and I'm sending my bestest good vibes your way and hope you have a better week coming up! :)

  3. any decision involving money and commitment is worth stewing about and hoping for inspiration. I hear you. :) may the jell-o phase melt away into Tahoe blue waters!

    (Funny that you mention jello because I made jigglers with the kids for the first time this week!)

  4. I loved your green jello, I feel that way sometimes too. I know exactly what you're saying. I get that way when finances are tight, could that be the issue, the uncertainty of where the finances are at the moment since taking on another bill. That would put a damper on a new car for me.
    ps I totally enjoyed chatting with you today over millions of olives. You're such a neat neat person.

  5. I hate buyer's remorse. I wish there was a pill to get rid of that. I hope you're feeling better now. Just go give Eric a big hug, grateful he's with you and healthy, then just picture how good you're going to look driving in that nice truck, widows down and the wind blowing through your hair! Gorgeous!

  6. Oh man. I hate when a whole weekend is taken up by something that would have been unnecessary. But I'm glad you got a pretty new car out of it! Also, I wish I had a knitting buddy who was a psychiatrist. That would help things out a lot.

  7. I'm sorry about the whole care mess. It's such a bummer to have to spent time and money on something you hadn't planned on--even if you get something great as a result. Thanks for sharing your troubles--you are among friends.

  8. Well, I bet this won't help you any now, but I love you!! I hate the feeling that I'm not thinking clearly and that decisions HAVE to be made. I hate making car purchases. HATE IT. They give me serious stress as well and I think it's partly the money and partly the commitment to something. May this new ride be absolutely perfect for you :)

  9. I tried to leave a comment awhile ago, but I guess the word verification didn't go through, and when I tried to re-do it, Blogger ate my comment. :( So, anyway, I'm sure you're feeling much better by now, so you don't need any clumsy cheering up from me, and I hope you're enjoying your wonderful new car! :D

  10. Okay. Now I get it. My husband signed on to his google account while I was away, which knocked me out of my google account, which is why my comment got et. So, just to clarify, "oswaldo" up there is "heather." :)

    Oh, and since I'm posting an extra comment anyway, I thought I'd let you know that I was hoping to get all caught up with your blog tonight, since it's my last chance until we're done with this next move, but no such luck. I'll be back just as soon as I can! :)


Thank you for sharing your insights!