I refuse to succumb when I feel this way, however, so I get out and do things and in fact I force myself to so that I won't curl up in a ball like a potato bug and just stay there. But man, I am tired. Not lack-of-sleep tired, that would be easy. No, this kind of tired just turns the world grey, with paths that are all slippery and uphill-nothing is easy, nothing is particularly fun, and my emotions respond to my body, so it is incredibly difficult to focus on the positive. I really think that is what saps the energy. The mental exercise of choosing to look at something as an opportunity or as a learning experience or as just a normal part of life is MUCH more difficult than just giving in and seeing normal setbacks and challenges as evidence that my worst fears really are true (you know-the usual: that I probably am a failure at most really important things in life like being organized and detail-oriented and ambitious and tidy, with an uncluttered, well-decorated home and scrapbooks that are all caught up and not having to pay the late fee AGAIN to register for soccer, etc. and will probably never truly succeed at any of them)
But, since those fears are ridiculous and deserve to be in even smaller type, I offer up a report of my week that hopefully will tell the story to my future self that I kept on going, even though I really didn't want to most days. I am soooo grateful to the people who are part of my life that let me be part of their lives so I have reasons to get beyond these inevitable moments.
Here are the good things for this week:
- The Weather! We have been having positively California-esque weather here. Okay, so I realize that if you're FROM Cali, it might not seem that way, but for me, this is heaven. It has been warm, but the humidity has been low, so the sky has been this exquisite clear blue with gorgeous fluffy clouds. We've had a few storms go by, but they've just served to make some nice cool evenings. Seriously, this weather has been such a blessing this week, because the brilliance has literally broken the grey into little shards under my feet. I've tried to be outside as much as possible.
- I got tickets to see So You Think You Can Dance with friends who are all significantly younger and hipper than I. I'm taking my daughter along and if you average my age and her age, together we are 28, so I fit in a bit better. Actually I'm really excited. My one indulgence to the blahs this week was to get under my covers when I felt all achy and cold and catch up on episodes of this fun series. The more I watch, the more I remember how much I loved to dance in high school and how, like poetry, dance is such a beautiful and succinct way to express emotion and experience. Some of the performances made me cry. But maybe that's not saying much this week. ;o)
- As a bonus to getting together to buy said tickets, two lovely pals that I haven't been able to spend tons of time with lately went out for breakfast and ate yummy food and laughed for a good hour and a half. That is always good for the body and soul.
- The one good thing about my anemia getting to this point is I start remembering to take my medicine again, so I start feeling better pretty fast. Unfortunately my learning curve is a little flat and I'll forget again when life gets busy. Probably around Christmas. Maybe you could email me and tell me to take my pills...
- I took a few photos up to the County Fair and whaddayaknow, I got a first place ribbon! There were 963 entries in the photography exhibit, so I am feeling kinda proud about that one. Even more fun is that I got to share the experience with a pal, but I'll let her tell her story. I find it cosmically, ironically, darkly humorous that the winning photo perfectly expresses my physical state this week:
- My darling daughter returned from AZ. She was visiting my youngest sister. There is less of an age difference between my sister and Sara than there is between my sister and me, so they've grown up a bit like sisters themselves. They had a wonderful time, experienced the Breaking Dawn phenomenon together, and she came home happy and sweet. I really missed her.
- My young kindred spirit friend S. and I did something I've always wanted to try: We dyed yarn. It was so fun and creative. I don't know if I'll get deep into it because it requires precision, one of my worst things, but it was super-fun as a try-out. I offered all this knitting and fiber arts stuff to my kids when they were younger but because it was me and I do this professionally, none of them ever responded beyond the okay-we'll-try-it-once stage, so it is really a thrill for me to have someone to play with who really likes these particular endeavors.
Naturally though, the week finished out with me facing my fears again as I find myself unable to find either of my TWO battery chargers for my camera. I've looked EVERYWHERE. Pete's Sakes, as my friend Corinne would say. It should not be this hard. My mom loaned me hers, and I have two super-batteries, so I only need to charge once a month or so, so I'll live, but I can't escape the nagging thought that always strikes me at times like this: Normal people just don't go through things like this. They put the battery charger away and there it is the next time they need it. What is my problem??? Well, at least I have something to aspire to.