I really should just go to bed. Instead I want to process and make sense of things. I woke up with a sick headache that kept me in bed an extra hour and obliterated all my plans of morning routines and running and other productive things.
I did get going but only because a friend texted at just the right time. I was glad she contacted me or else I might possibly have stayed in bed all the morning until it was time to go get Sara from the airport. Aforementioned pal came with me to the airport and the trip to and fro went like a dream. No traffic at all between here and DCA and no mean airport cops telling me to move my car. Yep--dreamy. After that I had a quiet afternoon punctuated by some lovely minutes with a curly-headed almost-two-year-old. For the most part, nothing bad happened all day. When I was moving and the ibuprofen was working, I felt fine. When I stopped, I got so grumpy.
I'm pretty sure there are age-related hormonal reasons for days like this, so I can't really complain, but I kinda want to.
In this state, I had my very first fall-apart, sloppy, sobby cry about my mom; it was brought on completely unexpectedly and uncontrollably by hearing a particular song on the radio in the car. I struggled all day to eat anything but junk food. I felt thick and unable to think as I worked on a new design. I found every single word I read on Facebook to be so annoying as to make me want to delete my account immediately.
By the way, that was not complaining, it was objectively reporting the facts. And none of this is my fault, right?
I just can't leave it this way though. I had conversations with people today that took my breath away as I considered their challenges. Things I actually can't imagine. I witnessed them moving forward and I was inspired. I had hugs and attention from people who love me. I saw the power of family strength as my siblings and I rallied around our mom via emails and texts and readied ourselves for the next phase of her cancer treatment. Even the weather is worthy of mention. I actually enjoy the soft heat of days like today because it means that summer is peaking. The world is drying out and starting to shut down. Growth is slowing and that means autumn is coming, which is good news.
And so, now I can go to bed with the balance being in favor of the good. I know that there is an order in the universe, and even I, in my haze, contributed a little bit to it as I endeavored to be helpful. I listened and worked and planned and even though right now it feels a lot like a wasted day, I know it really wasn't. In the end, the differences we make are small. Moments in our or another person's life that connect us first to each other, then to the divine; those moments do matter most, and I know that. There was the divine woven through the very, very commonplace today, and I can see it better now, through the organizing power of words on the page. Much better than glimpsed through a miasma of miserable memories. Memories are curiously pliable, and it's interesting how choosing the lens through which to view them can influence the final shape they take on.
Tomorrow I can make more progress on a list of things to do that will never lessen or go away. It will change color and be louder or softer sometimes, like some strange bird sitting on my shoulder, but it will always be there. Tomorrow, if I wake up with the headache that even now, as my body stills, I can still feel pinching the corpus callosum right behind my eyes, I'll have a strategy. I'll be ready. I'll plan less, and do yoga first. I'll jot down ideas for a good breakfast so I won't have to stare blankly at the fridge or cupboard. It can be done. I will spend the last week before I turn 49 in a steady state of gratitude, if not a steady state of productivity. After the last 3 weeks of nearly unremitting productivity, I will give myself permission to pull back and regroup.
It really is about the choices, not the circumstances. This I can remember.